Guys who work long hours have very limited time with their kids, so only their very closest friends/favorite hobbies/activities make the cut. Lame of them not to even respond to invites though.

Because kids are all-consuming. They suck up 110% of your time, and what little you have left, you need for sleep... possibly for feeding and bathing yourself, but that is secondary. If you do miraculously find a spare moment, you are honor-bound to spend it grasping at whatever intimacy you have left with your partner because that relationship is on edge and you desperately need to make sure it doesn't fall victim to neglect.

Either they love their kids and want to see them or are afraid if they go out without their wife, their wife will do the same and they are scared as shit to be alone with that little creature.

The excuses are all well and good and true, but a "Sorry I can't make it" text is not asking for too much. Unless they're just ready to move on and have made hints they no longer want to hang out or aren't that into you anymore -- normal friendships growing apart stuff -- and you just haven't picked up on that.

Anonymous wrote:No offense,OP, I'm certain this is not you, but you sound like the thirty year old guy who's still wearing his varsity letter jacket from high school and unwilling to move on and grow up.

Ha! Too funny. I'm a near-tenured professor. I assure you I'm not fratting out. I'm talking about things like wine tastings, coffee, art museums, etc. Not stupid shit kids in their 20s do in DC like softball leagues or kickball.

All of the above. And btw, if you want to get these friends to occasionally make plans with you, quit assuming that their wives are holding them hostage or nagging them. If they went out with you before kids, obviously the wives didn't interfere then. As all the PPs said, these parents want to spend their limited time with their kids and it is exhausting to boot. The bottom line is that they want to spend more time with their kids than with you. It won't always be like this - they will make some time but more limited and structured. Time away between the spouses is a trade-off that is usually carefully managed.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. For a few weeks/months, okay. But in perpetuity? FWIW, I'm a guy and I'm talking mostly about my guy friends. Is it that their wives are keeping them away? That they don't want to see what it's like back in the single/non-kidded world? It can't be that they are that "busy." I'm not talking about crashing Vegas and roadtrips, but guys who I used to have a weekly dinner with or grab coffee or a beer for an hour during or after the workday that literally disappear. Not even "Oh sorry I can't make it"... just radio f'in silence. Makes me feel like the childfree types -- of which I'm not one myself -- have a point.

What gives?

They are. Kids are a lot of work.

It's fine to be less available. But to lose the common manners of responding to invitations (extended personally via text or email) is just rude. I get that you have less time, but your manners shouldn't simply change because you've procreated. It takes 2 seconds to send an "I can't make it this week, Bill" text.

No offense,OP, I'm certain this is not you, but you sound like the thirty year old guy who's still wearing his varsity letter jacket from high school and unwilling to move on and grow up.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. For a few weeks/months, okay. But in perpetuity? FWIW, I'm a guy and I'm talking mostly about my guy friends. Is it that their wives are keeping them away? That they don't want to see what it's like back in the single/non-kidded world? It can't be that they are that "busy." I'm not talking about crashing Vegas and roadtrips, but guys who I used to have a weekly dinner with or grab coffee or a beer for an hour during or after the workday that literally disappear. Not even "Oh sorry I can't make it"... just radio f'in silence. Makes me feel like the childfree types -- of which I'm not one myself -- have a point.

What gives?

Maybe they'd rather see their kids and their wife than you.

I agree that they should respond to invitations one way or the other, but if your close friends are blowing you off, it's entirely possible that they're avoiding you for some reason.

Their kids are more important than you are. Deal with it

Kids are cool, and when you have them you're kind of into them and want to spend time with them. And to do that you have to be home from 6-8pm and you need to be awake at 7am. That kind of cuts into bro time. They also get up a lot at night so you're tired. And everyone knows its hard to motivate yourself to leave your house if you are home and settled in and its 9pm.

It just becomes less fun to be out at the bars when you could be watching your kid learn what rain is or something. Like everyday they are learning something new, thinking something new, saying something new. If you love them you're pretty interested in that.

So basically, my child-free out of work hours are serverly limited. After work is not a good time to meet up, because I race home to see my kids for the 2 hours I get every day before they are both asleep. Then we make dinner, clean up our stuff and the kid's stuff, get ready for the next day, and go to bed. Our kids are up at 5:30am. Even on weekends. That means if I want to go out on a Friday night, I have to ask my spouse to not only cover the evening shift (even if it's just the cleaning up from the day part, it's still work) but also the early AM shift.

I prioritize sleep over many social encounters these days. I socialize around my kids. Why? Bc I like my kids.

Kids keep you busy and exhausted Baw!

I don't get it. For a few weeks/months, okay. But in perpetuity? FWIW, I'm a guy and I'm talking mostly about my guy friends. Is it that their wives are keeping them away? That they don't want to see what it's like back in the single/non-kidded world? It can't be that they are that "busy." I'm not talking about crashing Vegas and roadtrips, but guys who I used to have a weekly dinner with or grab coffee or a beer for an hour during or after the workday that literally disappear. Not even "Oh sorry I can't make it"... just radio f'in silence. Makes me feel like the childfree types -- of which I'm not one myself -- have a point.

What gives?