I think both kids should be treated equally. I'm assuming he is living in your home. It really depends on the family set up. If he is putting his money away for college, I have no issue with giving my child money for daily needs depending on what it is. My parents put our money away for college and gave us money. We'll probably do the same. I put all birthday and other money away. I don't have an issue paying for prom but would set a money limit.

You could help your daughter given she's only 9 with meals.

You sound really stingy, OP. Re: prom, the girl is your stepson's date, so he should pick up the tab for her. If your DH is picking up your son's tab, then picking up the girl's tab as well is not a big deal at all. I don't know why you'd ever see it as such or think that it should be any other way. She doesn't have to be your date for chivalry to kinda factor in here. It feels like you don't like the fact that your DH is generous with his son and it feels like you want to nitpick the things your DH does / gives so you are trying to pick apart any little thing.

Do you not like your stepson? Do you have issues with him? What is the REAL problem here. Because it's certainly not a prom ticket and a prom dinner.

Typical experiences of high school - and prom and other dances are typical - should be paid by the parents - - within a "typical" price point. Almost all families now-a-days share the cost boy or girl - though bean counting and keeping exact score is rude and unnecessary in the big picture of things.

The DS of a poster in another thread paid for his own fleshlight

I don't have an issue with the food. Yes, IMO, it's a waste of money. But I find that in order to manage life, I sometimes spend money just to make my life easier.

I opted not to pay for prom. I also am not a fan of the idea that the boy foots the bill just because he's the boy. So even if I were so inclined to pay for prom, I would not pay any of the dates expenses. I am ok with my son deciding he wants to do something special for his girlfriend, but that's different than paying because he's the boy.

For junior prom, My sons girlfriend bought her own ticket and paid for her dinner. Parents provided transportation for junior prom - we drove to and her parents picked up. For senior prom, my son will drive because he has a car and is no longer on a restricted license. My son decided that it was too extravagant to spend two weeks of wages for one night. He would rather not have gone. Since it was important to his girlfriend, she decided to pay her own way.

I would tend to agree with you.

My kids are younger, they don't have an allowance and pay nothing. They contribute to the household by working in the garden, vacuuming the house, that sort of thing.

OP here again.
Thx again for all the responses.

He's very responsible. He definitely can make food and cook basics. My budgeting thoughts aren't about fixing a problem, just an instinctive slightly different approach. Like I said, I didn't verbally disagree with DH, I was just surprised. (Actually, I think i did clarify on the prom tickets, as I was really surprised, but, she is in his grade, so it's her prom too!)

My parents were pretty wealthy, and I got a nice allowance growing up. However, I don't remember ever going to them for supplements. I lived pretty frugally for 10 years after college, and I think the allowance plus self budgeting works well.

We are almost the same as pp but my teens no longer get an allowance.

My oldest DS, a senior who has a girlfriend, has a credit card for our convenience so that he can purchase gas, and do things like pick up the family car from the repair shop, grocery shop etc. I was worried about abuse but he has been really responsible with it.

He pays for his own dates from money he earned from summer jobs. I will pay for prom tickets for both him and his girlfriend, and likely dinner since it is a one-time special event related to school. (If it were her prom, then I'd expect for her or her family to pay for both tickets.)

Anonymous wrote:I don't make my kids pay for any of their three meals a day. I feel it's my job as a parent to provide food, you know.

If they go out with friends to a movie or to Starbucks or something, that's on them. My kids also get allowances. They pay for things like cute clothes, apple downloads (music/games/movies), gifts for others, larger purchases like the iphone you mentioned.

I'd definitely pay for bigger school events like prom. I pay for musical instruments. I pay for sports gear. If my kid wants something better than my budget, then s/he can contribute more to get the better item.

My kids have had allowances since age 10. Not tied to chores. They all do chores. The money is to help them earn to manage it in smaller amounts. Plan ahead, save, and all that.

Me again. OP, I feel like all that eating out when DH is traveling is a waste of money, too, (and maybe not very healthy) but it could also fall under the time-management category. And we all do pick and choose what's easier to pay for than to spend time on.

However, looking at the long game here, make sure your step son knows how to cook, how to plan healthy meals, and all that. My mom did a lot of stuff for me too, until I left the house. I became a very frugal and self-sufficient person when that happened. Out of necessity. but I was lucky she and my dad taught me how. So even though I didn't do that much stuff at home, I knew how to do it when I had to do it for myself. If your step son knows how to cook and plan meals, when he is in a money crunch or out on his own, he can plan ahead on what's important to him and what's not.

I don't make my kids pay for any of their three meals a day. I feel it's my job as a parent to provide food, you know.

If they go out with friends to a movie or to Starbucks or something, that's on them. My kids also get allowances. They pay for things like cute clothes, apple downloads (music/games/movies), gifts for others, larger purchases like the iphone you mentioned.

I'd definitely pay for bigger school events like prom. I pay for musical instruments. I pay for sports gear. If my kid wants something better than my budget, then s/he can contribute more to get the better item.

My kids have had allowances since age 10. Not tied to chores. They all do chores. The money is to help them earn to manage it in smaller amounts. Plan ahead, save, and all that.

OP here. Thx for the responses.

It's funny. I don't give a second thought paying for the big stuff (college will be paid for, we cover clothes, gas money, phone, etc) It's the little choices around the edges where I just think I'd do it differently, precisely as a learning experience (i.e., you can't get that iPhone 7 if you eat at chipotle instead of packing lunch). It's sort of like my 8 year old and chores. Most of what she does, I can still do faster and better, but I think the routine and responsibility is important.

Dating is really new, btw, so I'm especially curious about thoughts on that!

Anonymous wrote:Harsh there PP.

My 16 yr old DD pays for nothing. Her 'job' is school. She excels at that. She also plays 2 sports.

She has a debit card that I keep loaded for her. Shopping with friends is really the only expense we discuss and agree upon prior to it's occurrence.

She is surrounded by kids with much wealthier families and bigger homes. DH and I decided to give her spending money
to remove some of the 'we are poor' thoughts she might have. We are not poor BTW.

You are seriously doing your DD a disservice. She will be 18 in two years. How will she have any idea how to manage money? Plus, she should know by now that not being as rich as everyone else does not equal poverty. You should not be giving her extra money to keep up with the Joneses.

My teens pay only for things I don't know about. So, basically we pay for everything (college too). Because since they were young we tell the kids that we all have jobs, some days are fun, many days not so fun but their job is school and we expect them to do the very best they can. And that has not really changed. So we never expect them to have jobs during the school year (but they all started lifeguarding at 15 and are employed every summer). Also, this is not a financial hardship for us, our kids haven't abused their privilege and they do well in school. Stepfamilies are hard.

Harsh there PP.

My 16 yr old DD pays for nothing. Her 'job' is school. She excels at that. She also plays 2 sports.

She has a debit card that I keep loaded for her. Shopping with friends is really the only expense we discuss and agree upon prior to it's occurrence.

She is surrounded by kids with much wealthier families and bigger homes. DH and I decided to give her spending money
to remove some of the 'we are poor' thoughts she might have. We are not poor BTW.

I'm just interested in general opinions, as this is mainly theoretical for me at this point. I have a 17 yo stepson and a 9 year old daughter. I manage our finances, including transferring money to DSS, so I'm aware of everything he gets money for. There are a few areas where I'm surprised by the decision my husband made, so I'm curious where other people fall. For context, DSS gets a weekly allowance, has a summer job, and gets essentially unlimited data for his phone. (He's never abused this). He's currently saving for an iphone 7, to give a sense of where his savings level is at.

Anyhow, he's going to prom this year. The tickets are $70. DH agreed to not only pay for his ticket and dinner, but also his date's ticket and meal. I find this kid of weird. The second issue is meals. We, obviously, provide all meals and food for DSS. DH still makes his lunch every day, as he enjoys it and puts together a really great, healthy lunch. However, when DH is out of town, DSS buys lunch and DH reimburses him for it. Our daughter makes her own lunch when DH is away. This week, DH had to go out of town for an extended period of time during a period of time I had to work late as well, and he gave DSS money to essentially have every meal out or take-out for three days.

It's not like I argued these points. But, if it were just asked to me de novo, I think I'd say we could sponsor prom as a gift to DSS, but if he's taking a girl, either she/ her parents pay or he pays for her. She's not my date!
With lunches, I think he should make a lunch at home or use his own money if he wants to buy take-out. For an extended trip, I could definitely see spotting him for a dinner, again, just as a treat. But, again, seems like his allowance is there for regular meals out. Otherwise, he never has to make budgetary choices while he's saving money.

Anyhow, I'm curious what people think.