Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about my DW. Just feel miles apart, sexless and unloved. No abuse, huge arguments, two great kids, great house, many good things. But a marriage that is utterly devoid of passion. It is sad

We are working on it. But years of resentment built up on both sides. In hindsight we never fought enough. We each bottled up our problems and they festered. To borrow someone else's analogy, the pilot light is barely on. But we went to a Retrouvaille program and have been working on it. We are 19 years this summer. I tell any couples getting married now that one of the most important things you can do in your marriage is fight. Learn to fight, fight fairly and address conflict before it smoldered and grows into something too big

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I need to read the love languages book. My neighbor told me about it. I forget what she said, but there was something about showing love by words, touch, actions...it sounded very interesting. Thanks for that reminder.

I love what a PP said about the empty nest years. I hope that's true for us. I really want to have that with my dh.

And it's interesting what another PP said about the counselor asking her dh what he did for his wife and he responded with making dinner. The counselor's answer was very interesting to me because it's absolutely right and I would not have thought about that being for the family and not for the wife. My dh does similar things--he pitches in a lot with cooking and kids lunch making. I always feel badly when i can tell he is helping a lot but still that's not something that warms my heart. I truly appreciate it and value it, but it doesn't feel romantic. Maybe that's not my love language. Or maybe it's directed at the family and not towards me.

It's all confusing. We have elementary aged kids so we have a while to go before an empty nest. I hope I figure out something sooner than that. I think that my dh's love language has something to do with me going back to work--this is not a slight against either SAHMs or working outside the home moms. I've been both and both have their pros and cons. I think my dh is conservative especially when it comes to finances and this is a pricey area to live in. It is a source of stress for him. He likes to have savings and little debt. So when I went back to work full time after staying home for 10 years, I feel he was really happy and appreciative.

Are love languages different for men and women, typically?

They're just different because you're different people, not because you're male or female. The idea is to know what yours is so you can articulate it and to know what your partner's is. AND you have to be okay with the fact that what makes you happy isn't necessarily what makes your partner happy. For example, my partner feels loved and appreciated if I remember little things she likes at the store and then buys them without any reminders, like a particular mustard or soap or some product she mentioned in passing. But I could care less if she does the same for me. I mean, sure, I appreciate it, but if she didn't do it, I wouldn't feel ignored or unloved. Sometimes she gets frustrated because she'll buy me something small and expects a different response. I don't get all excited the way she does when I do that for her. I feel appreciated and loved when she touches me, like takes my hand in public, hugs me, snuggles on the couch, etc.

Thank you for your response. This makes a lot of sense. I was just wondering if men and women tend to have a more common love language.

Anonymous wrote:OP, enough of tbe love language Dr. Philspeak. What is the root cause of the problems in your marriage?

I was just replying to a PP about the love languages. I thought it was interesting. There are no root problems other than feeling disconnected. I look at others marriages and they seem so connected and I'd like to have that feeling too.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I need to read the love languages book. My neighbor told me about it. I forget what she said, but there was something about showing love by words, touch, actions...it sounded very interesting. Thanks for that reminder.

I love what a PP said about the empty nest years. I hope that's true for us. I really want to have that with my dh.

And it's interesting what another PP said about the counselor asking her dh what he did for his wife and he responded with making dinner. The counselor's answer was very interesting to me because it's absolutely right and I would not have thought about that being for the family and not for the wife. My dh does similar things--he pitches in a lot with cooking and kids lunch making. I always feel badly when i can tell he is helping a lot but still that's not something that warms my heart. I truly appreciate it and value it, but it doesn't feel romantic. Maybe that's not my love language. Or maybe it's directed at the family and not towards me.

It's all confusing. We have elementary aged kids so we have a while to go before an empty nest. I hope I figure out something sooner than that. I think that my dh's love language has something to do with me going back to work--this is not a slight against either SAHMs or working outside the home moms. I've been both and both have their pros and cons. I think my dh is conservative especially when it comes to finances and this is a pricey area to live in. It is a source of stress for him. He likes to have savings and little debt. So when I went back to work full time after staying home for 10 years, I feel he was really happy and appreciative.

Are love languages different for men and women, typically?

They're just different because you're different people, not because you're male or female. The idea is to know what yours is so you can articulate it and to know what your partner's is. AND you have to be okay with the fact that what makes you happy isn't necessarily what makes your partner happy. For example, my partner feels loved and appreciated if I remember little things she likes at the store and then buys them without any reminders, like a particular mustard or soap or some product she mentioned in passing. But I could care less if she does the same for me. I mean, sure, I appreciate it, but if she didn't do it, I wouldn't feel ignored or unloved. Sometimes she gets frustrated because she'll buy me something small and expects a different response. I don't get all excited the way she does when I do that for her. I feel appreciated and loved when she touches me, like takes my hand in public, hugs me, snuggles on the couch, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you speak each other's Love Languages?

I have realized recently that my DH speaks NONE of the five love languages. Our marriage counselor called him on it when he said that making dinner most nights is how he shows me he loves me. Counselor said, "That's what you do for the family. What do you do for your wife?" Went down the list. Nothing.

He has Aspergers. It makes for a very lonely marriage.

This is a good marriage counselor. A true rarity.

OP, enough of tbe love language Dr. Philspeak. What is the root cause of the problems in your marriage?

OP here. I need to read the love languages book. My neighbor told me about it. I forget what she said, but there was something about showing love by words, touch, actions...it sounded very interesting. Thanks for that reminder.

I love what a PP said about the empty nest years. I hope that's true for us. I really want to have that with my dh.

And it's interesting what another PP said about the counselor asking her dh what he did for his wife and he responded with making dinner. The counselor's answer was very interesting to me because it's absolutely right and I would not have thought about that being for the family and not for the wife. My dh does similar things--he pitches in a lot with cooking and kids lunch making. I always feel badly when i can tell he is helping a lot but still that's not something that warms my heart. I truly appreciate it and value it, but it doesn't feel romantic. Maybe that's not my love language. Or maybe it's directed at the family and not towards me.

It's all confusing. We have elementary aged kids so we have a while to go before an empty nest. I hope I figure out something sooner than that. I think that my dh's love language has something to do with me going back to work--this is not a slight against either SAHMs or working outside the home moms. I've been both and both have their pros and cons. I think my dh is conservative especially when it comes to finances and this is a pricey area to live in. It is a source of stress for him. He likes to have savings and little debt. So when I went back to work full time after staying home for 10 years, I feel he was really happy and appreciative.

Are love languages different for men and women, typically?

Anonymous wrote:Do you speak each other's Love Languages?

I have realized recently that my DH speaks NONE of the five love languages. Our marriage counselor called him on it when he said that making dinner most nights is how he shows me he loves me. Counselor said, "That's what you do for the family. What do you do for your wife?" Went down the list. Nothing.

He has Aspergers. It makes for a very lonely marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about my DW. Just feel miles apart, sexless and unloved. No abuse, huge arguments, two great kids, great house, many good things. But a marriage that is utterly devoid of passion. It is sad

So, why don't you start trying more? Fix it.

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is 110% better since the kids left home for college. Truly. We went to marriage counseling twice (once as newlyweds and again around years 18-19 when things were hard with teens, 2 careers, elderly parents= Stress).

We are at Year 25 now and things are better than they were during our dating, engagement, and entire married life. The empty nest can be a quietly restorative thing for some couples. It was hard earned. We arrived exhausted when the last one left home.

Now, i think we will go to our graves with a love for each other that truly grew with the passing of time and outgrew the hard years of child raising. I am so glad we stuck it out. The pilot light never went out, but there were some dark times when it barely flickered.

It's a journey. But I truly recommend the empty nest years, and for those who are close to it, waiting to separate/divorce until you have experienced the empty nest together. Those child rearing years can be hard on a marriage. The empty nest could be the most surprising thing to revive a marriage that you never imagined could be revived.

Long marriages are made up of several different marriages, each lasting for a season of 5-8 years. DH and I are now in an entirely different season and different marriage and it's the best one so far.

Thanks for sharing this.

My marriage is 110% better since the kids left home for college. Truly. We went to marriage counseling twice (once as newlyweds and again around years 18-19 when things were hard with teens, 2 careers, elderly parents= Stress).

We are at Year 25 now and things are better than they were during our dating, engagement, and entire married life. The empty nest can be a quietly restorative thing for some couples. It was hard earned. We arrived exhausted when the last one left home.

Now, i think we will go to our graves with a love for each other that truly grew with the passing of time and outgrew the hard years of child raising. I am so glad we stuck it out. The pilot light never went out, but there were some dark times when it barely flickered.

It's a journey. But I truly recommend the empty nest years, and for those who are close to it, waiting to separate/divorce until you have experienced the empty nest together. Those child rearing years can be hard on a marriage. The empty nest could be the most surprising thing to revive a marriage that you never imagined could be revived.

Long marriages are made up of several different marriages, each lasting for a season of 5-8 years. DH and I are now in an entirely different season and different marriage and it's the best one so far.

Do you speak each other's Love Languages?

I'm separated and the court date is coming up soon.

My friend's husband died a few years ago from cancer. On his death bed, as he was heavily drugged, he asked her to marry him again. I'm searching for that in my next long-term relationship.

I feel the same about my DW. Just feel miles apart, sexless and unloved. No abuse, huge arguments, two great kids, great house, many good things. But a marriage that is utterly devoid of passion. It is sad

I really wish that I had the same connection with dh that others have with their spouses. I hear about and see so many solid marriages where the couple is so in tune with one another, find each other sexy, and seem so completely content and happy with their lives. I really want to have that. But I don't. Dh and I have been growing apart for years. We've been to marriage counseling and idk, it didn't really get to the root of what's going on with us. Now I'm in individual counseling. I'm listening to her the best that I can. But this is so hard. Marriage is so lonely sometimes. Is this normal?

Ok, pity party is over. Thank you for listening.