Anonymous wrote:

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps, Internet dating isn't for you since you prefer interpersonal contact and it would be hard to perceive online if a woman is a match for your southern charm. Are you looking for someone in your age range? Someone without kids? Someone long-term? Short term?

You seem to have many great qualities and should have no problem finding a suitable partner. You may just have to put yourself out there and get involved in some activities or groups so you can meet new people.

Thank you as well for responding. I'm open to dating ladies with or without kids and I am not hell-bent on age either. My last relationship was with a single mom with three kids and she was in her late thirties. We dated for 4-5 months and the primary reason that I broke up with her was over her poor financial situation and the fact she couldn't manage money. She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. Another issue that didn't sit well with me was the fact that she was sacrificing spending time with her kids to spend time with me. In my view, kids come first.

I completely agree with you as I'm a bit shocked over the problems I'm having and I'm quickly realizing that internet dating is basically a numbers game; you have to "play if you want to win"... Being a strategic thinker and a long-range type of guy, I'm much more suited for long-term relationships. For example, I was married for 16 years and prior to being married, I was in a relationship for ~9 years.

L_S

To be fair, raising 3 kids on 140k is tough in this area. My dad was a single parent with 3 kids here, had to borrow a ton of money, barely made ends meet, had debt for years, and his credit is ruined. Also, as a woman, it's difficult to keep a man around if you don't sacrifice some kid time. Just some things to think about.

I think the problem with online dating is it gives people the impression that they can find a perfect partner NOW, when the reality is that it takes years to find the right one. That's not so bad when you're just dating the random people you meet in real life, but is extremely frustrating when you suddenly have hundreds of options and none are right. Sort of like if you went to a restaurant, ordered something off the menu, and they kept bringing out the wrong dish over and over.

I had much better luck when I stopped expecting a soul mate and started seeing it as a way to meet new and interesting people. I also put a lot more time and effort into developing my own life and interests, which is ultimately how I met my DH. Are there any hobbies or activities you've wanted to try but were never able to?

OP, please re-read the paragraph in bold above and commit it to memory. It's the way to go. Focus on your interests (and on doing some good, such as perhaps finding volunteering that actually interests you and which you feel is important to do). You will meet people that way, but please--don't go into any activity or join a group or start volunteering just with the goal of meeting someone to date. Value the activity for its own sake and you will possibly end up meeting women who are also in that activity for its own sake.(If you don't, then at least you learned something or had new experiences or helped someone else.) Shared interests and values are (as I know you know already) the most important thing. If you give off a vibe that you're doing activities or are a "joiner" just to meet women, believe me, the women will pick up on that vibe and will be turned off. So should you be, if you realize a woman is in an activity just to husband-hunt and will be gone once she's done or finds the activity doesn't work out.

Basically, do what you think is worthwhile and fulfilling and of value to the world at large, and you will meet others doing the same thing. The basis for anything else that happens will be a much richer and more real basis than you'll find in random online match-ups.

Online dating is a whole different animal indeed.

Try the online dating e-book from these guys:
http://swooptheworld.com/e-books/

Ok, they're PUAs but it may help you get back in the game. It's not that much to spend anyway.

I used to be into the PUA scene (now happily married) and if you look at it more as a way to improve your confidence and self-esteem (not just to sleep with as many women as possible), it can be useful.

OP, I think you're mature enough to understand you won't have the same relationship that you had before. This doesn't mean you can't be happy again. The only real complaint I hear is chemistry and connection isn't happening on your schedule. It sucks, but it's the same for most people. Internet or not. Relax, enjoy meeting and getting to know other people, and good things will happen. Good luck!

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:
Thank you as well for responding. I'm open to dating ladies with or without kids and I am not hell-bent on age either. My last relationship was with a single mom with three kids and she was in her late thirties. We dated for 4-5 months and the primary reason that I broke up with her was over her poor financial situation and the fact she couldn't manage money. She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. Another issue that didn't sit well with me was the fact that she was sacrificing spending time with her kids to spend time with me. In my view, kids come first.

Was she trying to put them through private school? $140K is plenty if you go public. Definite money management problem though.

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps, Internet dating isn't for you since you prefer interpersonal contact and it would be hard to perceive online if a woman is a match for your southern charm. Are you looking for someone in your age range? Someone without kids? Someone long-term? Short term?

You seem to have many great qualities and should have no problem finding a suitable partner. You may just have to put yourself out there and get involved in some activities or groups so you can meet new people.

Thank you as well for responding. I'm open to dating ladies with or without kids and I am not hell-bent on age either. My last relationship was with a single mom with three kids and she was in her late thirties. We dated for 4-5 months and the primary reason that I broke up with her was over her poor financial situation and the fact she couldn't manage money. She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. Another issue that didn't sit well with me was the fact that she was sacrificing spending time with her kids to spend time with me. In my view, kids come first.

I completely agree with you as I'm a bit shocked over the problems I'm having and I'm quickly realizing that internet dating is basically a numbers game; you have to "play if you want to win"... Being a strategic thinker and a long-range type of guy, I'm much more suited for long-term relationships. For example, I was married for 16 years and prior to being married, I was in a relationship for ~9 years.

L_S

To be fair, raising 3 kids on 140k is tough in this area. My dad was a single parent with 3 kids here, had to borrow a ton of money, barely made ends meet, had debt for years, and his credit is ruined. Also, as a woman, it's difficult to keep a man around if you don't sacrifice some kid time. Just some things to think about.

I think the problem with online dating is it gives people the impression that they can find a perfect partner NOW, when the reality is that it takes years to find the right one. That's not so bad when you're just dating the random people you meet in real life, but is extremely frustrating when you suddenly have hundreds of options and none are right. Sort of like if you went to a restaurant, ordered something off the menu, and they kept bringing out the wrong dish over and over.

I had much better luck when I stopped expecting a soul mate and started seeing it as a way to meet new and interesting people. I also put a lot more time and effort into developing my own life and interests, which is ultimately how I met my DH. Are there any hobbies or activities you've wanted to try but were never able to?

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps, Internet dating isn't for you since you prefer interpersonal contact and it would be hard to perceive online if a woman is a match for your southern charm. Are you looking for someone in your age range? Someone without kids? Someone long-term? Short term?

You seem to have many great qualities and should have no problem finding a suitable partner. You may just have to put yourself out there and get involved in some activities or groups so you can meet new people.

Thank you as well for responding. I'm open to dating ladies with or without kids and I am not hell-bent on age either. My last relationship was with a single mom with three kids and she was in her late thirties. We dated for 4-5 months and the primary reason that I broke up with her was over her poor financial situation and the fact she couldn't manage money. She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. Another issue that didn't sit well with me was the fact that she was sacrificing spending time with her kids to spend time with me. In my view, kids come first.

I completely agree with you as I'm a bit shocked over the problems I'm having and I'm quickly realizing that internet dating is basically a numbers game; you have to "play if you want to win"... Being a strategic thinker and a long-range type of guy, I'm much more suited for long-term relationships. For example, I was married for 16 years and prior to being married, I was in a relationship for ~9 years.

L_S

You might try one of the professional services "Just Lunch" or something like that. You get what you pay for with the low cost random sites thus investing some serious money may help you out. No one will ever replace your late wife but that doesn't mean lightening can't strike twice. In terms of the house, while you may be holding on to it for investment purposes, starting someplace fresh and creating new memories might be a good idea.

OP--I'm so sorry for your loss. Online dating is not for everyone. It's a lot like going to the bars used to be for us. You would go out and see if there was anyone that caught your eye and you would walk over and talk to that person.....maybe you walked away with their number.

Online dating is a lot like that except you don't have to go to the bar. You find a person that is attractive to you and you start a conversation. If its seems to be going well, you exchange numbers and eventually meet in person.

The problem with this is that the entire "transaction" takes much longer than the old way. People may not respond immediately and the initial get to know you can take a week or longer before you decide to finally meet.

The other thing that I've found is that my definition of attractive has changed. Let's me honest....I'm 45. I no longer have perky boobs, rock hard abs, and the youthful glow of an 18yr old. In my mind however, I think that's exactly what I look like . This carries over into what I'm looking for.....I still think I'm looking for that really cute 18yr old guy with the full head of dark hair, the broad shoulders, the swagger that comes with the innocence of youth. Then when I look at a 50+ profile, of course I'm disappointed.

Now at our age, we both know that looks aren't everything. But that's how online dating starts the process. If I were to meet the same man at an event, I would probably happily chat with him. Maybe it will go somewhere and maybe it won't. But by being at an event together, we already have a common platform to springboard the conversation. If we're getting along, it might be natural to continue the conversation after the event is over. And if I don't meet someone at an event, at least I've had a nice night out doing something that I enjoy. But online, it's way to easy just to ignore someone that isn't physically attractive off the bat to you.

I've found that internet dating sucks. I've met one or two people that I've gone out with 4-5x but it just sort of fizzled. My advice is to go to events that you enjoy and just expand your circle of friends. Who knows who you might meet.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Just going by your post, it appears that you want to fit another woman in the space that your wife left and I would not find that attractive. This is a time to reinvent yourself somewhat (e.g. why live in a 5-bdr house?).

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Based upon my post, I can see why you'd say that I am just looking for another woman to fall in on the existing void. In a matter of speak, I am. Let me ask, since I have already had a great relationship once, should I now lower my standards and just resolve myself to the fact that being in love doesn't strike twice? That I should just accept that relationships of today are void of connection and chemistry? Let me also share that the reason for the large house is for investment purposes. I can explain further via PM, if interested...

L_S

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

What is your result? Little interest? Wrong types of people? Why do you think you're doing something wrong?

Internet is not for dating; it's for getting in touch with people you wouldn't meet otherwise. Quite nifty. No reason why you can't switch to calls or meet rather quickly, if there's interest.

Thank you for the kind words. Sometimes, it's little interest, other times it’s the wrong type. I get so frustrated that I turn off my profile for months at time. I have even had other ladies read my profile for advice so as to provide feedback and that hasn't helped. Let me state that my interest are rather varied. While I'm a sports-minded type of guy, I'm just as comfortable at the Kennedy Center as I would be at a Nat's game.

Your point is valid on the true purpose/value of internet dating and maybe I need to manage my expectations. I will give that some thought...

L_S

Perhaps, Internet dating isn't for you since you prefer interpersonal contact and it would be hard to perceive online if a woman is a match for your southern charm. Are you looking for someone in your age range? Someone without kids? Someone long-term? Short term?

You seem to have many great qualities and should have no problem finding a suitable partner. You may just have to put yourself out there and get involved in some activities or groups so you can meet new people.

If you work on growing your social network you may find someone (I'm young, and that was my preference when I was single). Join meetup groups with your interests, physical activities (tennis, dancing?), if you're religious go to church events, join a political group, etc. Internet dating is not mandatory, but it is straight forward and less work to meet people.

Hi OP. Just going by your post, it appears that you want to fit another woman in the space that your wife left and I would not find that attractive. This is a time to reinvent yourself somewhat (e.g. why live in a 5-bdr house?).

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

What is your result? Little interest? Wrong types of people? Why do you think you're doing something wrong?

Internet is not for dating; it's for getting in touch with people you wouldn't meet otherwise. Quite nifty. No reason why you can't switch to calls or meet rather quickly, if there's interest.

Folks,

Need some advice and this is as good a place as any (I think)... Here we go: My wife of 16 years, died of cancer approximately three years ago and at ripe old age of 49, I have found myself thrust back into the dating scene and hating every minute of it. For those of the younger crowd, let me digress a bit and share that dating ~20 years ago was considerable different than of today. Internet dating was embryonic at best and singles had to rely on their interpersonal skills to find suitable dates/partners (that means actually conversing with someone "eyeball-to-eyeball", not via keyboard). Needless to say, dating has radically changed over the years. And let me share that I think I have a decent package to bring to the table; I'm far from broke as I have an established career (Executive for a large Defense Corporation), I have a 5-bedroom house (with no kids), possess all of my teeth and hair and I'm not on any medication for anything (which as I understand it, is a rarity these days). I am a bit "old-school" and also being raised in the South (Roll Tide!!), I'm a firm believer that chivalry is not dead as I still open doors, assist ladies with their jackets, etc (another rarity, as I understand it).

I thoroughly enjoyed being married and was fortunate enough to marry my best friend as our relationship was nothing short of utopia. We shared everything and while both of us were far from perfect, we never judged each other. I even took this topic to my mom (yes, she's very progressive and doesn't hold back) so as to get a different perspective and her theory is that I'll never be able to find a spouse in the DC area as everyone is focused on a "Career-First, Relationship-Second" model. There is some truth to this just by living in the Nation's Capital and the people that live/work here. Yet, I refuse to believe that all of the single ladies fall into this model. On that note, I continually question myself on what am I doing wrong? Am I the only one having a hard time with internet dating? Is the internet the only way to date or find a spouse these days?

Enough details to assess my situation - fire away...