OP my heart goes out to you. I work with children with eating disorders and I want to share what I think you should do.

I am impressed that you recognize that anxiety is the root of all of this, this has to be approached the way you would approach any anxiety in a child. First rule: do not accommodate the anxiety. That doesn't mean wash your hands of the whole thing, it means that you are sending a clear message to your son (and yourself) that this is an issue that he has to get past in his own way and in his own time. This is not your issue to fix for him, this is his issue for you to help him figure out for himself how to fix.

It is a very important issue. Please don't ever let anyone convince you that if he doesn't eat in the cafeteria it's not the end of the world. This isn't about eating in the cafeteria, it's about anxiety. And anxiety must always be taken seriously and addressed.

If you haven't already, I would acknowledge his struggle with him and assure him that you are a resource to help him figure out how to get through this. Ask him if he has thought about setting an end goal: by ________ date he will be able to sit in the cafeteria for ___________ minutes and eat __________. Something to that effect.

Ask him to visualize, if you could eat something in the cafeteria what would it be? What do you think would taste good? What do you think you could open easily and eat easily? What kinds of things do his friends eat? Also ask him what would he do if he ate something and he didn't like the way it tasted? What would that mean to him and what could he do about it? I don't mean to pepper him with a million questions, I'm just giving you some ideas of what you can ask.

I suspect that he has other areas where he is self-conscious, although I could be wrong. It sounds like part of his issue is that he doesn't want to be watched while he eats which is why he has difficulty eating outside of the house. Look for areas where the anxiety is generalizing in other areas.

If you do the goal setting, which I highly recommend, make it a teeny little goal. Like, by the end of the week do you think you could have one goldfish cracker?

Is he learning how to breathe? Does he know where he holds anxiety in his body?

Kudos to you for reaching out OP.

I completely agree with baby steps. Your end goal is him eating school lunch in the school setting every day, but you need to break it down into steps that he can take. You could even involve him in planning those steps. Maybe step 1 is bringing food from home (using the prep-ahead of time strategy) and he does that for an amount of time, then the next step is he brings some things from home but circles specific things on the school menu that he will try every day, then he moves on to eating mostly school lunch, etc.

I don't know what your work flexibility is, but would it be possible for you to drop in to have lunch with him on the first day for each step? So maybe once a month or every couple of months or however long it takes?

This is 6:45... I do want to say that my child (12) is MUCH better now. I can reliably find solutions for almost every situation. He still won't eat random cafeteria/school food (big problem when he did an overnight camp last summer!) but he absolutely eats at friends' houses and with other people at restaurants provided that the food is familiar to him. He still won't touch unfamiliar food outside our home and still shows physical symptoms like looking physically ill in these circumstances... anyway, babysteps!

OP, I have a son with the same issues. (He has generalized anxiety so this is just one of many!) For him, eating outside the home extends to include any outsider being in our home! He is so extreme that I still can't convince my mother that he eats like a typical kid most of the time--she is deeply concerned and thinks he doesn't eat enough.

I think you should separate the lunch problem, which you should accommodate however you can, from treating the anxiety and helping him get better. What I mean is, I would do whatever it takes to get him to eat something at lunch because it is so important for his energy, his learning, EVERYTHING to get some food in the middle of a long school day. For us that means that I have always packed lunch for this kid every single day, and absolutely always something he likes and will eat. No novelty or challenge because simply eating is more than enough challenge in the school environment! (We can discuss contents more if you want -- I do have lots of tricks here.) Independently, I think addressing the anxiety on its own is crucial. I am very sympathetic to how resources must be tight for you but I want to say that weekly private therapy for my son was truly beneficial--for him and me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid with anxiety and I'm usually a "push through" person, but I think it's kind of unfair of you to make him do that in a seeming loud, crowded, chaotic cafeteria with questionable tasting food. I think you should work on trying new foods at home when he's more in control of it. Since you're a single working mom, tell him that he needs to help pack his lunches if he doesn't want to bring anymore. Sunday mornings you make a list together, go shopping together, prep food together. You can freeze PBJs, sort crackers into individual sized bags. Cut veggies together. In the morning he's responsible for pulling his lunch together from the components you worked on over the weekend. This will hopefully empower him and make him feel in control of lunch, which might transfer to confidence at school.

Some of this could work, but the school cafeteria is small, and only 2 classes eat there at a time (in fact it might be just 2 classes that eat there - other classes eat in their classrooms). It's a nut-free school, and I'm not sure he would eat nut free sandwiches. He eats very well at home, but not well anywhere else - restaurants are very difficult, friends houses are impossible, and family members homes are hard too. It's not the "trying new foods" that's the problem right now (he does that home weekly at least with minimal issues), it's anxiety surrounding food at school and anywhere but home. I guess I just don't think at this point that working on new foods at home will help him start eating food elsewhere because it's been a few years of working on food issues.

That makes sense. You know your child best-- Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid with anxiety and I'm usually a "push through" person, but I think it's kind of unfair of you to make him do that in a seeming loud, crowded, chaotic cafeteria with questionable tasting food. I think you should work on trying new foods at home when he's more in control of it. Since you're a single working mom, tell him that he needs to help pack his lunches if he doesn't want to bring anymore. Sunday mornings you make a list together, go shopping together, prep food together. You can freeze PBJs, sort crackers into individual sized bags. Cut veggies together. In the morning he's responsible for pulling his lunch together from the components you worked on over the weekend. This will hopefully empower him and make him feel in control of lunch, which might transfer to confidence at school.

Some of this could work, but the school cafeteria is small, and only 2 classes eat there at a time (in fact it might be just 2 classes that eat there - other classes eat in their classrooms). It's a nut-free school, and I'm not sure he would eat nut free sandwiches. He eats very well at home, but not well anywhere else - restaurants are very difficult, friends houses are impossible, and family members homes are hard too. It's not the "trying new foods" that's the problem right now (he does that home weekly at least with minimal issues), it's anxiety surrounding food at school and anywhere but home. I guess I just don't think at this point that working on new foods at home will help him start eating food elsewhere because it's been a few years of working on food issues.

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty classic anxiety.

Can you obtain a copy of the school lunch menu? If you in MoCo it's available on line and it is sent home once a month. Go over it with your son. Get his impressions and talk about the food a bit. There should be something pretty familiar and mundane -- grilled cheese let's say, or a piece of fruit.

Can he choose a target date for when he will have a lunch or part of a lunch? Let him be in charge of when and what. Just maybe a couple of bites and see how it goes. I would praise him to the skies for trying. Also, if he is willing to drink milk, maybe he can have milk with his crackers.

Yes, we will get a copy of the menu and will hang it up on the fridge. It's almost March, so the new menu will be out in a day or 2. And I will try all of these, thanks!

I have one kid with anxiety and I'm usually a "push through" person, but I think it's kind of unfair of you to make him do that in a seeming loud, crowded, chaotic cafeteria with questionable tasting food. I think you should work on trying new foods at home when he's more in control of it. Since you're a single working mom, tell him that he needs to help pack his lunches if he doesn't want to bring anymore. Sunday mornings you make a list together, go shopping together, prep food together. You can freeze PBJs, sort crackers into individual sized bags. Cut veggies together. In the morning he's responsible for pulling his lunch together from the components you worked on over the weekend. This will hopefully empower him and make him feel in control of lunch, which might transfer to confidence at school.

This is pretty classic anxiety.

Can you obtain a copy of the school lunch menu? If you in MoCo it's available on line and it is sent home once a month. Go over it with your son. Get his impressions and talk about the food a bit. There should be something pretty familiar and mundane -- grilled cheese let's say, or a piece of fruit.

Can he choose a target date for when he will have a lunch or part of a lunch? Let him be in charge of when and what. Just maybe a couple of bites and see how it goes. I would praise him to the skies for trying. Also, if he is willing to drink milk, maybe he can have milk with his crackers.

Hi everyone, I realize I may be out of place on this forum, but I think the elementary forum will have limited useful advice. My second grader, just barely 8 years old, is having some anxiety issues at school. So far it's limited to lunch and food. I don't pack a lunch (school lunch is free to everyone, I'm a single mom and my budget and available time is tight).

Basically, he won't eat lunch. He'll eat the school breakfast, and will eat crackers that his friend shares, but won't even open the school lunch. He finally told me today that it's because he's nervous about what it will taste like. I see this at home too, although with a lot of effort he will try most things at home, and eats a very balanced diet at home. Trying new things at home was very anxiety ridden for along time, and I got him over it by always having something at dinner be familiar when I was serving something new, and I stopped focusing on the meal over dinner conversation, and we talk about other things now, which helps him try new things without worrying what I will think if he doesn't like it, and the familiar food (veggie or protein) is something he knows he can eat if he doesn't like the new item.

I'm working with a psychologist at the school to see if we can make progress at lunch (he suggested a lunch bunch group with one of the social workers, and a few other things).

I guess I'm looking for some BTDT experiences and suggestions - I could pack a lunch, but that treats the symptom (the not eating) rather than the problem (the anxiety).