Anonymous
02/23/2017 15:52
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
Anonymous wrote:I don't like the type of people my parents are. I realized I could not live with them as soon as I was old enough to make it on my own. I have a half-way decent relationship with my mother. I barely talk to my father; he's the one with serious issues.
Wow, I could have written this. When I left for college, I never looked back. I realized by late childhood that I didn't particularly like either of my parents.
My dad has untreated mental illness (OCD, depression), and is unstable and unreliable. As a child, it was incredibly frustrating to be gaslighted by him. He would constantly go back on his word, and then claim that the rest of us were crazy and he had never said any such thing when we tried to call him out on it. He is also emotionally abusive.
My mother is a completely overbearing religious fanatic and judgmental of anyone who isn't "saved," but I've learned to mostly ignore it and we get along OK.
I continue to work on my resentment issues in therapy, and it's helped a lot.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 15:26
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
I was a child when I realized I didn't like my mother. She had a hidden mean streak, and I was her sole, designated target. I thought it was my fault, somehow, because that's how kids think.
I've always had a good memory for my dreams, and as a child, the part of my mother was always played by a generic warm, kind, loving woman. I felt guilty about this, even though you can't help your dreams.
Half a century later, I've learned I have to be a loving mom to myself. She'll never change.
I've always had a good memory for my dreams, and as a child, the part of my mother was always played by a generic warm, kind, loving woman. I felt guilty about this, even though you can't help your dreams.
Half a century later, I've learned I have to be a loving mom to myself. She'll never change.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 14:14
Subject: Re:When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I had the opposite trajectory.
Growing up - I hated my parents. I grew up in a wealthy white area and watched all my friends get handed everything. Meanwhile, my parents, while they had the means, thought it was more important to make me work for things and show me that nothing in life is free.
As a kid, obviously I hated this. And it caused us to fight a lot. Obviously there were many other issues - but needless to say, our relationship as horrible and I was a horrible son.
As I go through life - especially the harder parts of life - I really grew to appreciate my parents lessons. My ability to find solutions, to work hard, to not give up, to constantly strive to be a better person... All these things are things I learned from my parents. It took me a long time to really understand it and once I did, I was so grateful for my parents.
We were really developing a much better relationship and things were going very well... Unfortunately, my father just passed away of cancer a few weeks ago. It was devastating to me to realize how much time I had wasted with him - he was an amazing man.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It's never easy.
This made me think back to a conversation I had with DH. He convinced himself that being hard on our boy will somehow make him grow up a better person. I completely disagree. We're not in the position to hand "everything" to our son, but I absolutely don't want him to struggle. Hopefully, we'll find a workable balance. When I was a teenager, my dad was harping on my mom for not giving me more chores. He somehow thought that I will not be able to take care of myself unless I slave away in the kitchen through my teenage years. Thankfully, my mom called his BS and said out right: She'll have plenty of work to do in her life. It's been almost thirty years, and I still agree with my mom on this one.
PP - to clarify, my parents weren't slave drivers. And there is a balance. Kids need to be able to be kids. Life is so hard and you might as well let your children enjoy it while they can. At the same time, I have a daughter now - she is three months old. I think about the type of parent that I want to be. I think that the most important thing for me - is that I can at least give my daughter the tools to have a happy life - whatever that might mean for her. I think about what it takes to survive in this world and I think about the tools that I have had to use in order to find my own happy place. I don't think I will ever care about what my daughter does - from a status stand point. I don't have a path for her like some parents do. I really want my daughter to be able to choose her own paths in life. I want her to do things for herself and not because she was expected to do something. It is hard - especially for women - this society has so many demands and expectations for women - what they should look like, how they should act, what they should do with their lives, etc. It is so difficult. I really just hope that I can at least provide her with the necessary tools to be able to stand up for herself, embrace herself and her beliefs/values, and to be happy.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 14:08
Subject: Re:When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
Anonymous wrote:I had the opposite trajectory.
Growing up - I hated my parents. I grew up in a wealthy white area and watched all my friends get handed everything. Meanwhile, my parents, while they had the means, thought it was more important to make me work for things and show me that nothing in life is free.
As a kid, obviously I hated this. And it caused us to fight a lot. Obviously there were many other issues - but needless to say, our relationship as horrible and I was a horrible son.
As I go through life - especially the harder parts of life - I really grew to appreciate my parents lessons. My ability to find solutions, to work hard, to not give up, to constantly strive to be a better person... All these things are things I learned from my parents. It took me a long time to really understand it and once I did, I was so grateful for my parents.
We were really developing a much better relationship and things were going very well... Unfortunately, my father just passed away of cancer a few weeks ago. It was devastating to me to realize how much time I had wasted with him - he was an amazing man.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It's never easy.
This made me think back to a conversation I had with DH. He convinced himself that being hard on our boy will somehow make him grow up a better person. I completely disagree. We're not in the position to hand "everything" to our son, but I absolutely don't want him to struggle. Hopefully, we'll find a workable balance. When I was a teenager, my dad was harping on my mom for not giving me more chores. He somehow thought that I will not be able to take care of myself unless I slave away in the kitchen through my teenage years. Thankfully, my mom called his BS and said out right: She'll have plenty of work to do in her life. It's been almost thirty years, and I still agree with my mom on this one.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 14:01
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
I was in college and home because I had mono. I was passed out on the couch in our family room, feeling like death, and my mom came in from grocery shopping. She found a teacup in the sink, that my dad had used for a morning cup of tea before leaving for work. For whatever reason, she blamed me for it. She grabbed a knife and started flailing it around while screaming at me, cursing at me, and blaming me for it. When she got close enough that I thought she was going to use the knife to stab me, I hopped off the other end of the couch, ran around our first floor and up our back set of stairs to my room, locking myself in there. She ran up, stabbing the knife at the door (knife marks are still there to this day). I had my dad paged out of the emergency room (he's a doc) and had him rush home. I have HATED her since that day (this wasn't the first mean / crazy thing she had done to me) and I no longer speak to her. I will never tolerate her for any reason, either. If I have kids, I've made it clear to my dad that they will never set foot in our family home. He can come see him on his own, but they will never even know that my mom exists. Because she's a psychotic, narcissistic sociopath.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 13:27
Subject: Re:When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
My parents have always had conflicts with friends and family members. For years they declared themselves victims of other people, but over the past few years, it's become obvious that they are just as guilty. They don't know when to let things go, they have trouble minding their own business, they judge others, they can't shrug things off, they can't argue in a civil manner without yelling and throwing zingers at people... now it all makes sense to me. The crux of their problem is that they have to win and be right all the time, even at the expense of relationships with others. They have old friends and family members who they have not spoken with for years due to fall-outs or grudges over who slighted who at a party.
DH and I have had minor conflicts with them since our children were born and we've come to terms with the fact that they will never change and will always play the victim card.
So, I guess I don't like them as people. I tolerate them because they love my kids, but if it weren't for that fact, I'd probably see them only once a year. We have very little in common. They lack interests outside of politics and religion-- they don't paint, fish, hunt, travel, volunteer-- so. as you can imagine, there's very little opportunity for pleasant, lighthearted visits because everything has to escalate.
DH and I have had minor conflicts with them since our children were born and we've come to terms with the fact that they will never change and will always play the victim card.
So, I guess I don't like them as people. I tolerate them because they love my kids, but if it weren't for that fact, I'd probably see them only once a year. We have very little in common. They lack interests outside of politics and religion-- they don't paint, fish, hunt, travel, volunteer-- so. as you can imagine, there's very little opportunity for pleasant, lighthearted visits because everything has to escalate.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 12:43
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP of 11:59, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your parents sound amazing.
Thank you! My parents are amazing - I was a selfish, entitled, self-centered child. I don't know where I got it from (possibly adoption issues)... But, I was a horrible son.
Anything good in me - comes from emulating my Dad - he was a great man.
I learned so many things about his after his death that I am ashamed I did not know about him while he was a live.
He marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. and used to co-sign for mortgages for African American families that were racially discriminated against when trying to obtain loans.
He flew airplanes in the air force during the Korean War.
He was a Sr. Engineer for Boeing and helped design and innovate the Chinook helicopter.
He left a very lucrative job at Boeing to start his own company to make advances in minimally intrusive surgical equipment such as ultrasound machines, heart monitors, etc.
He flew gliders - although I do remember as a young child - my Dad flying me and my twin brother in the glider.
He was a great man - he was big on social responsibility, big on values, big on compassion - he was a great husband to my mother - I never saw them fight - I know they would have discussions in the bedroom with the door closed, but when they came out - they were a united front - and he adored her until the day he died (think old couple still pinching each other's butts)...
Your description of your father made an internet stranger tear up. He was a giant of a man.
I lost my dad 2 years ago and the grief still comes in waves. I wish you peace and healing.
I am sorry for your loss as well and I wish you peace and healing as well.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 12:40
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP of 11:59, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your parents sound amazing.
Thank you! My parents are amazing - I was a selfish, entitled, self-centered child. I don't know where I got it from (possibly adoption issues)... But, I was a horrible son.
Anything good in me - comes from emulating my Dad - he was a great man.
I learned so many things about his after his death that I am ashamed I did not know about him while he was a live.
He marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. and used to co-sign for mortgages for African American families that were racially discriminated against when trying to obtain loans.
He flew airplanes in the air force during the Korean War.
He was a Sr. Engineer for Boeing and helped design and innovate the Chinook helicopter.
He left a very lucrative job at Boeing to start his own company to make advances in minimally intrusive surgical equipment such as ultrasound machines, heart monitors, etc.
He flew gliders - although I do remember as a young child - my Dad flying me and my twin brother in the glider.
He was a great man - he was big on social responsibility, big on values, big on compassion - he was a great husband to my mother - I never saw them fight - I know they would have discussions in the bedroom with the door closed, but when they came out - they were a united front - and he adored her until the day he died (think old couple still pinching each other's butts)...
Your description of your father made an internet stranger tear up. He was a giant of a man.
I lost my dad 2 years ago and the grief still comes in waves. I wish you peace and healing.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 12:29
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
Anonymous wrote:PP of 11:59, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your parents sound amazing.
Thank you! My parents are amazing - I was a selfish, entitled, self-centered child. I don't know where I got it from (possibly adoption issues)... But, I was a horrible son.
Anything good in me - comes from emulating my Dad - he was a great man.
I learned so many things about his after his death that I am ashamed I did not know about him while he was a live.
He marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. and used to co-sign for mortgages for African American families that were racially discriminated against when trying to obtain loans.
He flew airplanes in the air force during the Korean War.
He was a Sr. Engineer for Boeing and helped design and innovate the Chinook helicopter.
He left a very lucrative job at Boeing to start his own company to make advances in minimally intrusive surgical equipment such as ultrasound machines, heart monitors, etc.
He flew gliders - although I do remember as a young child - my Dad flying me and my twin brother in the glider.
He was a great man - he was big on social responsibility, big on values, big on compassion - he was a great husband to my mother - I never saw them fight - I know they would have discussions in the bedroom with the door closed, but when they came out - they were a united front - and he adored her until the day he died (think old couple still pinching each other's butts)...
Anonymous
02/23/2017 12:25
Subject: Re:When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
As a preteen/tween I was really close to my mother and as a teenager/young adult I realized that she had been basically using me as her therapist and sharing things that I shouldn't have had to deal with at such a young age. As I grew older I gradually realized that I was losing respect for her and being more frequently frustrated by her overwhelming negativity. Things really came to a head around the time of my wedding and I lost pretty much all respect for her.
Since then, I've tried to focus on her good qualities and to recognize how much of her behavior stems from mental health issues. She's gotten less negative over the past few years which is a great relief and makes it easier to be around her. I know that she loves me and try to keep my expectations low which has also helped significantly. It's only now that I'm finally recognizing the full extent of my parents' issues and what caused them to behave the way they do (anxiety, depression, probable ADHD). Unfortunately, unlike a PP, the lessons that I learned from my parents were more about what NOT to do, but at least I learned the lessons and any time I find myself slipping into lazy or negative or self-centered behavior I catch myself and recognize that I'd never want my kids to feel about me the way that I feel about my mother.
Since then, I've tried to focus on her good qualities and to recognize how much of her behavior stems from mental health issues. She's gotten less negative over the past few years which is a great relief and makes it easier to be around her. I know that she loves me and try to keep my expectations low which has also helped significantly. It's only now that I'm finally recognizing the full extent of my parents' issues and what caused them to behave the way they do (anxiety, depression, probable ADHD). Unfortunately, unlike a PP, the lessons that I learned from my parents were more about what NOT to do, but at least I learned the lessons and any time I find myself slipping into lazy or negative or self-centered behavior I catch myself and recognize that I'd never want my kids to feel about me the way that I feel about my mother.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 12:16
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
I love my parents. They're good people, generous and kind. They've taught my brother and I good values that would benefit us throughout life.
Unfortunately, I don't like being around my mom, who's the worst kind of micromanager and a nit-picking perfectionist. The realization started dawning around my 20s, but it was manageable b/c I lived far away. Now that mom lives close, our daily interactions really magnify our dysfunctional dynamic. I'm in my 40s and still being parented on every little thing. It's exhausting.
Unfortunately, I don't like being around my mom, who's the worst kind of micromanager and a nit-picking perfectionist. The realization started dawning around my 20s, but it was manageable b/c I lived far away. Now that mom lives close, our daily interactions really magnify our dysfunctional dynamic. I'm in my 40s and still being parented on every little thing. It's exhausting.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 12:10
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
PP of 11:59, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your parents sound amazing.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 11:59
Subject: Re:When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
I had the opposite trajectory.
Growing up - I hated my parents. I grew up in a wealthy white area and watched all my friends get handed everything. Meanwhile, my parents, while they had the means, thought it was more important to make me work for things and show me that nothing in life is free.
As a kid, obviously I hated this. And it caused us to fight a lot. Obviously there were many other issues - but needless to say, our relationship as horrible and I was a horrible son.
As I go through life - especially the harder parts of life - I really grew to appreciate my parents lessons. My ability to find solutions, to work hard, to not give up, to constantly strive to be a better person... All these things are things I learned from my parents. It took me a long time to really understand it and once I did, I was so grateful for my parents.
We were really developing a much better relationship and things were going very well... Unfortunately, my father just passed away of cancer a few weeks ago. It was devastating to me to realize how much time I had wasted with him - he was an amazing man.
Growing up - I hated my parents. I grew up in a wealthy white area and watched all my friends get handed everything. Meanwhile, my parents, while they had the means, thought it was more important to make me work for things and show me that nothing in life is free.
As a kid, obviously I hated this. And it caused us to fight a lot. Obviously there were many other issues - but needless to say, our relationship as horrible and I was a horrible son.
As I go through life - especially the harder parts of life - I really grew to appreciate my parents lessons. My ability to find solutions, to work hard, to not give up, to constantly strive to be a better person... All these things are things I learned from my parents. It took me a long time to really understand it and once I did, I was so grateful for my parents.
We were really developing a much better relationship and things were going very well... Unfortunately, my father just passed away of cancer a few weeks ago. It was devastating to me to realize how much time I had wasted with him - he was an amazing man.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 11:55
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
I don't like the type of people my parents are. I realized I could not live with them as soon as I was old enough to make it on my own. I have a half-way decent relationship with my mother. I barely talk to my father; he's the one with serious issues.
Anonymous
02/23/2017 11:47
Subject: When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?
At what age and what was the catalyst for determining that you don't like one of your parents?
A relative of mine confided that she just realized she can't stand her mother and wants to limit contact with her - she is 55. I found it interesting that up until now, she has had a good relationship with her. Nothing specific happened, it just dawned on her that her mom's influence has made her the person she is today and is in essence, blaming her for for some of her shortcomings. I would think this realization would happen at a much younger age or that a specific issue happens to cause a change of feelings.
A relative of mine confided that she just realized she can't stand her mother and wants to limit contact with her - she is 55. I found it interesting that up until now, she has had a good relationship with her. Nothing specific happened, it just dawned on her that her mom's influence has made her the person she is today and is in essence, blaming her for for some of her shortcomings. I would think this realization would happen at a much younger age or that a specific issue happens to cause a change of feelings.