OP here- thanks! My couples counselor has suggested that my DH get individual treatment, maybe CBT or medication, but my DH is refusing to go to either couples counseling or individual counseling.

At this point, my counselor is seeing my individually and making diagnosis based on the past year of couples counseling..... she says there is hope that I can have a functional relationship with someone, and is advising me on how to deal with his multiple personalities....basically, I am now supposed to be his "mirror" and put him in touch with the parts of him, learn to be my DH's unofficial therapist .......which sounds excusing and what am I getting out of it?

Basically have confirmation of what Ive suspected: that my DH is self-absorbed, even when relatives are dying he makes it about this, blames me for his unhappiness and physical ailments, even when I have serious things happening with my family's health or work, it is all about him. It is as if I am talking to a wall and he is insulted if I have any problems because that is drawing the attention away fro him - and he threatens to divorce me. Then the next day acts as if nothing happened.

It just feels crazy to me. I don't engage anymore. The swings in mood/personality are so extreme for a period of 12-36 hours then back to usual. There is usually a build up, then an "Explosion" (e.g. a threat to divorce me - one something mundane - like how I exhaled,etc - or a perceived slight where there was none intended on my part).

After the mood "explosion" (where he says he definitely wants to leave me, that marrying me was a mistake, that he will be out the door soon) then reversion in next 12 hours back as if "normal" -- lovey dovey, cute, etc.

it is hard to reconcile the parts. I absolutely adore partner when he is normal -- but the "mood swings" that happen -- typically every 6-12 weeks -are building up more and more.

It seems that if there are multiple personalities (which I don't know for sure) or personas, that this is getting more extreme.

HE was abused as a child, I believe, and this may have contributed to some of this..... he also made it to his 50s being single before he married......

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I think DH is abusive/mean at times but our couples counselor in an individual session told me he had different parts of him and two distinct personalities - she said multiple personalities - that he is self absorbed and with narcissistic tendancies - she said there is hope to integrate the personalities etc

OP, there are very few mental health professionals who are professionally able to diagnose dissociative identity disorder. If your couples counselor called it "multiple personality disorder" I am almost willing to guarantee that she is NOT one of them. If she had experience with DID, she would be calling it that and would be treating it more seriously. For example, if I was providing counseling to a couple, one of whom was diagnosed with DID (or if I suspected a DID diagnosis), I would require that person to see another clinician individually to treat his or her illness in addition to the couples counseling. If that person was not willing to do that, I would not be willing to continue the couples counseling, because it would be utterly pointless.

DID is so rare that many question its existence. Many criminals use it to claim that it was not really they that committed the crime.

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I think DH is abusive/mean at times but our couples counselor in an individual session told me he had different parts of him and two distinct personalities - she said multiple personalities - that he is self absorbed and with narcissistic tendancies - she said there is hope to integrate the personalities etc

Is your couples counselor a psychiatrist with training and experience in diagnosing the most serious mental conditions? I am not being snarky but genuinely asking, OP.

It takes an experienced psychiatrist to diagnose something as rare as a true multiple personality disorder. A psychologist can detect it too, but you probably need your DH to see a psychiatrist -- they are usually the ones to diagnose the most serious mental issues and multiple personalities would be very serious indeed.

Even if your couples counselor is perfectly qualified to make this diagnosis, you need a second opinion. Of course, this all depends on your husband's being willing to accept that something is going on with him and that he needs this evaluation. If he does not buy into getting examined and diagnosed (whatever that diagnosis may be) -- then you can forget his getting any help. Enlist your counselor to work with you both on ensuring your DH will get the evaluation he needs. If your counselor is resistant to your getting a second opinion then that's a red flag that your counselor is not a good one. Any decent mental health professional -- counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. -- will be open to a patient's getting further evaluation.

Meanwhile, please go back and re-read the post above from the PP whose spouse was smoking pot that caused a personality change. It does happen; I've seen it too. Pot isn't as innocent as people want to believe, and for some people it creates real havoc. If it's not pot, there could be another drug involved here. If it's not any drug and it's truly a mental health issue, you need to know that, and if it's just an abusive personality you need to know that too, and as soon as possible.

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I think DH is abusive/mean at times but our couples counselor in an individual session told me he had different parts of him and two distinct personalities - she said multiple personalities - that he is self absorbed and with narcissistic tendancies - she said there is hope to integrate the personalities etc

So, a few things - I'm sorry you're dealing with an abusive, narcissistic parter. His behavior is not your fault and you do not deserve it. Regardless of the reasons behind his behavior, he is not acting in a way that is safe, healthy or respectful for you. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more likely it is that you will be hurt or killed.

PLEASE seek out individual counseling for yourself with someone who specializes in domestic violence. If you're in Maryland, the House of Ruth is a great resource as is the Family Justice Center in MoCo. They offer free and sliding scale counseling services.

Couples counseling is NOT recommended in cases of abuse (physical or emotional). If your relationship hasn't escalated to physical abuse yet, it will. Your couples counselor should be aware that couples counseling isn't indicated in these situations.

Your couples counselor is also not the one who should be making a diagnosis about your husband unless she is a specialist in trauma and dissociative identity disrorder, and it doesn't sound like she is.

At this point, don't worry about your husband, worry about yourself and your own safety. This is not a healthy or safe relationship, and you need to protect yourself before it's too late.

Op here: I think DH is abusive/mean at times but our couples counselor in an individual session told me he had different parts of him and two distinct personalities - she said multiple personalities - that he is self absorbed and with narcissistic tendancies - she said there is hope to integrate the personalities etc

I did. It was diagnosed and she was getting help.

It came out when we were making out (first time) and she suddenly shifted to a child like personality; we stopped.

I identified at least 4 different "modes" in the 6th months I was seeing her.

She was the victim of some horrific abuse as a kid, and sex was a trigger to shifting. It became clear to me that we did not have a romantic future, but we remain friends.

Probably borderline. They get very angry and have amnesia type symptoms WAY more common.

So was he diagnosed by a mental health professional? How long did they see him before making such a diagnosis? This is complex stuff, and people can be very Jeckyll and Hyde, but it's because of other disorders.

Anonymous wrote:were you able to work it out? medical health professional has warned me this will only get worse over time......has anyone made it work? i have a case of two different personalities coming out and figuring out how to manage this......i really love DH, it's been confusing for me to realize this over the past few years but now it's clear that this is likely what I am dealing with.... i have an amazing, loving, kind DH most of the time....but there is an alter-ego or some part that comes out that is very dark..... when in one mode, he forgets about the other mode, and forgets what he said in that other mode.......I am trying to figure out if anyone else has dealt with this, any tips....

I don't have experience with that. What I do have experience with is a husband who is loving and kind and patient like what you describe, and then who got extremely nasty and abusive out of the blue. And for years I couldn't figure out what was going on. Turns out he was smoking pot daily. A lot of it. He hadn't done it while we were dating or the first part of our marriage. Sometimes marijuana can make people paranoid and aggressive, and that seems to have been the case for my husband. He got arrested, stopped smoking, and is back to the old loving husband I had at first.

I'm just putting it out there in case it may be caused by drug use, whatever kind of drug.

DID is extremely rare, so I'd seek out second opinions on the diagnosis before anything, and individual and couple's counseling for both of you regardless. Rare does not mean it doesn't exist, and I know very little about you, your relationship, or your DH, but be cautious in any information you are getting from him regarding his condition... this could also be a pattern of an abusive relationship.

honeymoon hateful honeymoon hateful

MPD is rare. VERY rare. And most likely not what your husband has. He's just mean.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't, but is he seeing a therapist? Actual Dissociative Identity Disorder (it's no longer called MPD) is caused by extreme childhood trauma. If that's not his circumstance, he may just be an abusive asshole (based on your very brief description). I would ask for permission to talk to HIS therapist about this. If he's not seeing a therapist for this diagnosis, he needs to be.

+1 DID is incredibly rare. More likely he's just an abuser, and an armchair diagnosis of mental illness is not going to help you.

I haven't, but is he seeing a therapist? Actual Dissociative Identity Disorder (it's no longer called MPD) is caused by extreme childhood trauma. If that's not his circumstance, he may just be an abusive asshole (based on your very brief description). I would ask for permission to talk to HIS therapist about this. If he's not seeing a therapist for this diagnosis, he needs to be.

were you able to work it out? medical health professional has warned me this will only get worse over time......has anyone made it work? i have a case of two different personalities coming out and figuring out how to manage this......i really love DH, it's been confusing for me to realize this over the past few years but now it's clear that this is likely what I am dealing with.... i have an amazing, loving, kind DH most of the time....but there is an alter-ego or some part that comes out that is very dark..... when in one mode, he forgets about the other mode, and forgets what he said in that other mode.......I am trying to figure out if anyone else has dealt with this, any tips....