Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 16:16     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is perfectly fine, so long as you realize that no healthy male will go very long without pursuing sex. If he doesn't bring it up with you, then he already has another girl.
Sounds like you are OK staying in a DADT marriage, so good for you!


Right. There's tons of women who want to sleep with this catch.


A horny man will always find a receptive woman. Believe me on that.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 16:11     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We almost got divorced 2 years ago due to my frustration with his refusal to work. He was laid off 6 years ago and never put any effort into finding a job, and until recently didn’t do much around the house either. After seriously contemplating divorce for a while, I finally decided that I’m sticking with it. Not because I’m in love with him, but because of how much harder life will be if I go through with a divorce. His lack of working has put a serious financial strain on the family, but if we divorce I will spend even more money on a lawyer, and then alimony and childcare. We’d move into separate places, and it would be difficult for my daughter. I’d rather stick with it and let my daughter spend her time with a father who loves her, rather than at a daycare that doesn’t. He does a much better job now at doing stuff around the house. He’s taking care of stuff that I would have to do if we got divorced. We’ve gotten to a comfortable point where we’re friendly with each other and spend time together. I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him, though. I just don’t want to. I lost so much respect for him over the years that I don’t have those feelings anymore. I have zero desire to kiss or even touch him. I don’t hate him, I’m just not in love with him anymore. I know he would like some intimacy, but he doesn't bring it up. I think he's afraid of what I'll say. We sleep in separate rooms.

Am I just fooling myself that this is going to be okay?


Short answer: Yes, you bet your ass you are fooling yourself


+1. You've settled for a horrible relationship and a sad sad life.


These kinds of comments add nothing.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 16:09     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We almost got divorced 2 years ago due to my frustration with his refusal to work. He was laid off 6 years ago and never put any effort into finding a job, and until recently didn’t do much around the house either. After seriously contemplating divorce for a while, I finally decided that I’m sticking with it. Not because I’m in love with him, but because of how much harder life will be if I go through with a divorce. His lack of working has put a serious financial strain on the family, but if we divorce I will spend even more money on a lawyer, and then alimony and childcare. We’d move into separate places, and it would be difficult for my daughter. I’d rather stick with it and let my daughter spend her time with a father who loves her, rather than at a daycare that doesn’t. He does a much better job now at doing stuff around the house. He’s taking care of stuff that I would have to do if we got divorced. We’ve gotten to a comfortable point where we’re friendly with each other and spend time together. I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him, though. I just don’t want to. I lost so much respect for him over the years that I don’t have those feelings anymore. I have zero desire to kiss or even touch him. I don’t hate him, I’m just not in love with him anymore. I know he would like some intimacy, but he doesn't bring it up. I think he's afraid of what I'll say. We sleep in separate rooms.

Am I just fooling myself that this is going to be okay?


Short answer: Yes, you bet your ass you are fooling yourself


+1. You've settled for a horrible relationship and a sad sad life.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 16:04     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
Anonymous wrote:We almost got divorced 2 years ago due to my frustration with his refusal to work. He was laid off 6 years ago and never put any effort into finding a job, and until recently didn’t do much around the house either. After seriously contemplating divorce for a while, I finally decided that I’m sticking with it. Not because I’m in love with him, but because of how much harder life will be if I go through with a divorce. His lack of working has put a serious financial strain on the family, but if we divorce I will spend even more money on a lawyer, and then alimony and childcare. We’d move into separate places, and it would be difficult for my daughter. I’d rather stick with it and let my daughter spend her time with a father who loves her, rather than at a daycare that doesn’t. He does a much better job now at doing stuff around the house. He’s taking care of stuff that I would have to do if we got divorced. We’ve gotten to a comfortable point where we’re friendly with each other and spend time together. I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him, though. I just don’t want to. I lost so much respect for him over the years that I don’t have those feelings anymore. I have zero desire to kiss or even touch him. I don’t hate him, I’m just not in love with him anymore. I know he would like some intimacy, but he doesn't bring it up. I think he's afraid of what I'll say. We sleep in separate rooms.

Am I just fooling myself that this is going to be okay?


Short answer: Yes, you bet your ass you are fooling yourself
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 15:46     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
Anonymous wrote:This is perfectly fine, so long as you realize that no healthy male will go very long without pursuing sex. If he doesn't bring it up with you, then he already has another girl.
Sounds like you are OK staying in a DADT marriage, so good for you!


Right. There's tons of women who want to sleep with this catch.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 15:42     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
You're roommates. What a sad life. If you don't think your child will see and be affected by this pathetic relationship, you're blind and ignorant.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 15:38     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
This is perfectly fine, so long as you realize that no healthy male will go very long without pursuing sex. If he doesn't bring it up with you, then he already has another girl.
Sounds like you are OK staying in a DADT marriage, so good for you!
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 15:33     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
Anonymous wrote:You have no intamcy and a deadbeat husband? I'd be gone like the wind. Yeah, it might mean an initial setback, but Id have to believe my my life would ultimately turn out more prosperous and emotionally fulfilling. You get one shot at this life so how many years are you going to lose to this situation?


He's now doing all the housework, grocery shopping, errands, and kid's doctor and dentist appointments, etc. I basically go to work and come home. So I wouldn't really call him deadbeat now (until the past year, yes, deadbeat). He's trying, but it's not making me fall back in love.


Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 15:29     Subject: Re:Marriage okay without intimacy?
Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know what to do--how to guess the future exactly--but here are some things to consider:
-the longer he is out of work and you are the breadwinner, the more likely he will be awarded alimony or some kind of support.
-the longer he is out of work and you are the breadwinner, the more your joint assets (assets primarily paid for with your money) will likely grow and the more you will have to pay him (i.e. your house will appreciate in value, your retirement 401k will be larger). even if you own the house (it's in your name), he will be eligible for 50% of its increase in value during the time you were married.
-if he is a SAH and you are a WOH and this is a documented arrangement, the more likely he will get primary custody of your daughter.

When you say it's expensive to divorce, it's true, it is, but that cost will only grow with time not shrink and recede. If things are not good now and permanently so, kicking the can down the road will lead to a larger can, IMHO.


Custody of my daughter is what I most worry about. I could not stand to lose custody. That would kill me.

We rent now. We had to sell a lovely house and downsize because we could no longer afford it, due to the loss of income. Him staying home was not an arrangement we agreed upon. The loss of income has seriously hurt us. What most damaged our relationship wasn't the job loss so much, but the absolute lack of effort in trying to find another one. We've talked about it so much over the years that there is no way he doesn't know it bothers me. It has been brought up many, many times. I'm just resigned now to the fact that it's not going to change and trying to make the best of it. The most important thing to me is my daughter. I think I can live like this, but am worried it's going to get tough as the years go by and this is how I'm living. On the other hand, it would be nice to grow old with someone who knows me well and is the father of my child.

Maybe I just need more time.

Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 15:22     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
You have no intamcy and a deadbeat husband? I'd be gone like the wind. Yeah, it might mean an initial setback, but Id have to believe my my life would ultimately turn out more prosperous and emotionally fulfilling. You get one shot at this life so how many years are you going to lose to this situation?
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 15:16     Subject: Re:Marriage okay without intimacy?
It's hard to know what to do--how to guess the future exactly--but here are some things to consider:
-the longer he is out of work and you are the breadwinner, the more likely he will be awarded alimony or some kind of support.
-the longer he is out of work and you are the breadwinner, the more your joint assets (assets primarily paid for with your money) will likely grow and the more you will have to pay him (i.e. your house will appreciate in value, your retirement 401k will be larger). even if you own the house (it's in your name), he will be eligible for 50% of its increase in value during the time you were married.
-if he is a SAH and you are a WOH and this is a documented arrangement, the more likely he will get primary custody of your daughter.

When you say it's expensive to divorce, it's true, it is, but that cost will only grow with time not shrink and recede. If things are not good now and permanently so, kicking the can down the road will lead to a larger can, IMHO.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 14:52     Subject: Re:Marriage okay without intimacy?
Anonymous wrote:If your accepting of it and he's accepting of it and your child is happy why rock the boat? At some point this will change especially as you approach empty nesting years.


This is what I'm thinking right now. We're both getting something out of staying together, but it's certainly not what I had pictured for myself in a marriage. I do still have a lot of resentment though, so I wonder when we're empty nesters if the intimacy thing will change. On the plus side, I have no desire to be with anyone else. I'm not sure if that's because I really don't, or lack of opportunity, or just too tired to contemplate it.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 14:47     Subject: Re:Marriage okay without intimacy?
If your accepting of it and he's accepting of it and your child is happy why rock the boat? At some point this will change especially as you approach empty nesting years.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 14:32     Subject: Re:Marriage okay without intimacy?
You will be able to make this work for a little while, but in my opinion, you will get to the point where you CRAVE intimacy and need a man who will fulfill this.
You will either find one and have an affair, get more resentful, or give in and get this from your husband.

If you really want to make it work you have to find a way to get past the resentment. Figure out how to fall in love with him again.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2017 13:47     Subject: Marriage okay without intimacy?
We almost got divorced 2 years ago due to my frustration with his refusal to work. He was laid off 6 years ago and never put any effort into finding a job, and until recently didn’t do much around the house either. After seriously contemplating divorce for a while, I finally decided that I’m sticking with it. Not because I’m in love with him, but because of how much harder life will be if I go through with a divorce. His lack of working has put a serious financial strain on the family, but if we divorce I will spend even more money on a lawyer, and then alimony and childcare. We’d move into separate places, and it would be difficult for my daughter. I’d rather stick with it and let my daughter spend her time with a father who loves her, rather than at a daycare that doesn’t. He does a much better job now at doing stuff around the house. He’s taking care of stuff that I would have to do if we got divorced. We’ve gotten to a comfortable point where we’re friendly with each other and spend time together. I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him, though. I just don’t want to. I lost so much respect for him over the years that I don’t have those feelings anymore. I have zero desire to kiss or even touch him. I don’t hate him, I’m just not in love with him anymore. I know he would like some intimacy, but he doesn't bring it up. I think he's afraid of what I'll say. We sleep in separate rooms.

Am I just fooling myself that this is going to be okay?