Anonymous wrote:So he had absolutely no activities available to him and he became bored and spiteful. You might want to work with a therapist to come up with ongoing activities that are actually interesting to him.

It not the first time. He sees a therapist once a week when he agrees to go. He plays on three basketball teams and has practice 4 days week including last night. This all happened between 3:30 and 6:30.

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried therapy and parent coaching? Much cheaper (and probably more effective) than boarding school.

+1, I would try to stick it out before sending him away. Get him a full educational and mental health evaluation. Get him an individual and separate family therapist, preferably a male. You may need to interview several therapists to find one he likes. Instead of taking away, now that everything has been taken away have him earn privileges.

Have you tried therapy and parent coaching? Much cheaper (and probably more effective) than boarding school.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks for the response. Unfortunately, he is more than a bit uninspired and argumentative.
He is disruptive, disrespectful, fails to listen to anything we say despite taking away nearly every privilege.

Yesterday is a good example. He was supposed to go to detention after school but he didn't go because he said yesterday was like a weekend because of no school.

He went home and after using up his allotted 30 minutes on the computer became bored and frustrated because he is locked out of the tv. He decided to unplug most of the tv's in the house from cable boxes, etc. He re-programmed the thermostats in the house. The a/c was on. He took my medicine for high blood pressure (shocking I know) and hid it. He re-set my ipad after too many failed password entries. He then made 5 bags of microwave popcorn.

And this was just yesterday.

That does sound like a miserable day. I'm sorry; it must be hard for you.

Notwithstanding the pronouncements above, I've spent 25 years working with adolescents and I'm totally unqualified to diagnose your child. However, the defiance, especially as it includes the potential danger involved in hiding your meds, is cause for concern. If you haven't checked in with a qualified and trusted therapist, I think it's worth doing so now. There are aspects of your son's behavior about which I'd want to know more if he were my child or student, and I'd want some professional input on whether suspending privileges is likely to be effective with your child. (At some point you can only take away so many things, y'know? It seems like you're aware of that.)

A colleague once said something that's stuck with me (and that I haven't always followed, because I'm a crappy parent, just like everybody): When you impose consequences for behavior, it's always better to think about the goal you're pursuing. It's easy in anger to send the message that you have the power, and dammit, you're going to use it. But that doesn't always help the child. The more a consequence can be designed to create incentives for better behavior, the more likely it is to change that behavior. Consequences are important, but they're only one tool to reinforce values and change behavior.

Not to put too fine a point on it: The behavior you described is outside the norm for a bored preadolescent. I would seek some professional guidance. To me the question of boarding school would be secondary.

Best of luck. This is not easy territory.
Peter

And where were you when all this behavior was going on? I will assume you were at work. I know you and others will bash, but many kids need to know that.that they come first in their parent's life. Right now, I like him more than you. Boarding school is not the answer.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks for the response. Unfortunately, he is more than a bit uninspired and argumentative.
He is disruptive, disrespectful, fails to listen to anything we say despite taking away nearly every privilege.

Yesterday is a good example. He was supposed to go to detention after school but he didn't go because he said yesterday was like a weekend because of no school.

He went home and after using up his allotted 30 minutes on the computer became bored and frustrated because he is locked out of the tv. He decided to unplug most of the tv's in the house from cable boxes, etc. He re-programmed the thermostats in the house. The a/c was on. He took my medicine for high blood pressure (shocking I know) and hid it. He re-set my ipad after too many failed password entries. He then made 5 bags of microwave popcorn.

And this was just yesterday.

This is troubling. Very. But to me, this indicates a child in need of much more assistance and guidance, and parents who probably need some guidance as well. What steps have you taken so far, other than taking away privileges?

I think sending kids away to school is ok if kids want to go. And I think sending kids away to school is the right thing to do for very troubled kids who haven't responded to other measures. But I think sending your kid away because you're annoyed and frustrated with his behavior without first making a concerted effort to help him *solve his problems* (as opposed to handing the problems to someone else to solve) is a tremendous parenting failure.

He is in 7th grade, and you are ready to just wash your hands of him and his problems? What sort of message do you think that sends to your son?

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks for the response. Unfortunately, he is more than a bit uninspired and argumentative.
He is disruptive, disrespectful, fails to listen to anything we say despite taking away nearly every privilege.

Yesterday is a good example. He was supposed to go to detention after school but he didn't go because he said yesterday was like a weekend because of no school.

He went home and after using up his allotted 30 minutes on the computer became bored and frustrated because he is locked out of the tv. He decided to unplug most of the tv's in the house from cable boxes, etc. He re-programmed the thermostats in the house. The a/c was on. He took my medicine for high blood pressure (shocking I know) and hid it. He re-set my ipad after too many failed password entries. He then made 5 bags of microwave popcorn.

And this was just yesterday.

Your kid is bored. He doesn't need boarding school, he needs structured activities.

Anonymous wrote:So he had absolutely no activities available to him and he became bored and spiteful. You might want to work with a therapist to come up with ongoing activities that are actually interesting to him.

+1 I was a bad preteen/teen because looking back my parents didn't let me participate in anything after school. Some of it was logistical because they both worked and I was a latch key kid but it was other things as well. I also am pretty sure I had/have undiagnosed add as I did very poorly in school. I would get to the bottom of your sons issues and reflect on yourself as a parent before you send him away to boarding school.

So he had absolutely no activities available to him and he became bored and spiteful. You might want to work with a therapist to come up with ongoing activities that are actually interesting to him.

Boarding schools don't want troubled assholy kids. They want positive, hard working, community minded delights.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks for the response. Unfortunately, he is more than a bit uninspired and argumentative.
He is disruptive, disrespectful, fails to listen to anything we say despite taking away nearly every privilege.

Yesterday is a good example. He was supposed to go to detention after school but he didn't go because he said yesterday was like a weekend because of no school.

He went home and after using up his allotted 30 minutes on the computer became bored and frustrated because he is locked out of the tv. He decided to unplug most of the tv's in the house from cable boxes, etc. He re-programmed the thermostats in the house. The a/c was on. He took my medicine for high blood pressure (shocking I know) and hid it. He re-set my ipad after too many failed password entries. He then made 5 bags of microwave popcorn.

And this was just yesterday.

This is not worthy of sending your kid away to boarding school.

OP here.
Thanks for the response. Unfortunately, he is more than a bit uninspired and argumentative.
He is disruptive, disrespectful, fails to listen to anything we say despite taking away nearly every privilege.

Yesterday is a good example. He was supposed to go to detention after school but he didn't go because he said yesterday was like a weekend because of no school.

He went home and after using up his allotted 30 minutes on the computer became bored and frustrated because he is locked out of the tv. He decided to unplug most of the tv's in the house from cable boxes, etc. He re-programmed the thermostats in the house. The a/c was on. He took my medicine for high blood pressure (shocking I know) and hid it. He re-set my ipad after too many failed password entries. He then made 5 bags of microwave popcorn.

And this was just yesterday.

Anonymous wrote:We are looking into sending our current 7th grader to boarding school. He is a B student who puts in no effort currently at school (MCPS) and has become increasingly difficult to deal with at home.
Anyway, looking for any help in getting started with research or recommendations. I'm lost as to even where to start other than google searches.

It's not uncommon for boys in middle school to become a bit ... uninspired. You might ask his teachers whether his attitude toward school is outside the norm for what they see.

It's also common for middle schoolers to become surly and argumentative. One of the primary tasks of adolescence is to declare, "I'm independent!" In many instances, the closer you are to your son, the harder he's going to have to push against you to become his own person. I don't have nearly enough information to suggest reasons he may not be performing well in school, but I would do your best on his attitude changes by trying to set clear boundaries and not to engage the worst confrontations with the "miniature attorney" (per Wendy Mogel's brilliant phrase). Depending on your child's temperament, there is probably nothing you (or he) can do to "fix" it — it's normal, what we used to call "a phase," so just ride it out. It usually resolves in (ugh) two to three years.

I don't know your motivations for the question about boarding school. I worked in a boarding school for five years and loved the experience, as did the kids I met there, some of whom have become good friends as they've become adults. However, I think it's important to consider it because you believe it's a good path, not as a "punishment" for normal, if objectionable, preadolescent behavior. Parents who use boarding school as a threat risk setting their children up for a miserable experience, and a sense that their parents are turning them out at the time they may need clear parenting most.

If you decide to go with it, I second the recommendation for Clare (no "i") Anderson. I've known her a long time and she's a total pro. She's on Old Georgetown in Bethesda.

Good luck!
Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

Contact Claire Anderson. She is a great education consultant generally and boarding is her particular expertise. Google her for contact info.

We are looking into sending our current 7th grader to boarding school. He is a B student who puts in no effort currently at school (MCPS) and has become increasingly difficult to deal with at home.
Anyway, looking for any help in getting started with research or recommendations. I'm lost as to even where to start other than google searches.