NP and our kids are 12 and 14 and yes they do need to be driven to activities if they are at all serious about a sport; I just think that ship has sailed and I can't get them interested in a local basketweaving class now. So I'm sympathetic with OP.

Hey OP, can you and kids move closer to where he works so he is not gone 2 hours a day?

Can he work from home 1 day a week? Or, can he leave for work super-early and get home early, one day a week? etc?

One thing to do, if he can work from home one or two days a week is to make sure he's rewarded for staying home, not just given a full day's worth of chores, or he won't stay home. (I know from experience; i set up an office for him at home, but mistakenly gave him a pile of To-Dos too soon, so he doesn't stay home--but when he's home, uses it as a man-cave. ughhh!) LOL

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife forced me to give up a $65k job where I was happy to take a better-paying job with a long commute where I was unhappy. I'm now making twice what I did before and no longer married.

Congrats, and your situation has nothing to do with OP. Thanks for playing

You are doing all the household work and the man won't consider taking a different, either higher paying or lower hours job?


Hell no. I would dump this guy so fast.

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife forced me to give up a $65k job where I was happy to take a better-paying job with a long commute where I was unhappy. I'm now making twice what I did before and no longer married.

I think this situation seems different. Her DH commutes a lot - if he found a similar paying job closer in with fewer hours it might make a difference.

OP - can you clarify? It sounds like you would be happier if he got the same pay + shorter commute better hours. Or maybe more pay but at least a long commute and long hours would feel more justified?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All valid points made above. I could accept low pay, if he worked fewer hours. That is just not going to happen with this job. Our kids are 12 and 14 and do need to be driven to multiple activities. I feel like I have pulled more than my weight for years since he is rarely around. I have looked for a new higher paying job as well, but honestly would feel resentful taking on even more stress to keep him where he is. I don't expect for him to magically find a job, just to make a serious attempt to see what else is out there. If nothing, so be it.

PP, I would say that your 12 and 14 year old don't have to be driven to activities. They can be restricted to activities that are family schedule friendly (on weekends or at the school and they can walk home, or they can take public transit to get there. As much as it sucked, I just couldn't participate in activities when I was a kid because both my parents worked and had long commutes. I fully recognize that my way of giving my kids what I didn't have revolves around activities. I have had to compromise wth DH what activities they are involved in and get his support with drop off and pickups etc for the activity or frankly the answer is no. And there are certain things my kids are not involved in because it would be too big of a commitment.

Either your husband values the activities your kids are in and wants them to do all these things, in which case he should be willing to help make it happen, or YOU want them to do it and are willing to do all the work to make it happen. Agree first on what you value and if you find a disconnect, hear each other out and come up with joint solutions for a compromise. While I wouldn't tell DH to get a new job that makes more money, there would not be a scenario in which I'm getting a new job with no flexibility making more money AND doing all the things I did prior due to the flexibility of my old job.

Answer honestly, are you OP willing to commute longer, work more hours and give up the flexibility you have to earn more? If you think it is important enough for you to make those sacrifices, I would discuss with DH what changes need to be made to make that happen. That means, he has to take off sick days with the kids or help come up with a solution. Your increase in salary has to be enough to cover a helper when needed but he also has to commit to making things work around his home commitments. So if he is picking up Tues/Thursday and has something come up, can he still pick up the kids and then log in once they go to sleep or does he have a contingency plan that isn't to call you and have you leave early every time? This is the type of negotiation and compromise I would expect.

I have a saying that you shouldn't be telling someone what they should sacrifice.

Op here. All valid points made above. I could accept low pay, if he worked fewer hours. That is just not going to happen with this job. Our kids are 12 and 14 and do need to be driven to multiple activities. I feel like I have pulled more than my weight for years since he is rarely around. I have looked for a new higher paying job as well, but honestly would feel resentful taking on even more stress to keep him where he is. I don't expect for him to magically find a job, just to make a serious attempt to see what else is out there. If nothing, so be it.

Where do you live? In most of the country, $64k is well above average. Obviously, not in DC.

It's not unreasonable to want more money. I think it's a little unreasonable to insist that your over 50 husband upend his stable career and magically find a "high paying job." It's difficult for people over 50 to get a good job these days. I also think it's unfair to put the entire onus on him to "make more money." He's not salesman working at your car dealership. If you want to make more money, then the first place you should look is in the mirror.

My ex-wife forced me to give up a $65k job where I was happy to take a better-paying job with a long commute where I was unhappy. I'm now making twice what I did before and no longer married.

Is there a pension through his job? What do your retirement savings look like in general?

Does he have other options? Early 50s is not an ideal age to be looking for a job. That age tends to get laid off more than hired. Sounds like he has a level of comfort that's hard to give up. This conversation would have been better/more appropriate 15 years ago.

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.

How good are his benefits? Waiting for a pension?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. DH was in a lower-paying job as well, working ridiculous hours and traveling every other week. He sounds like your husband - liked the job, but complained a lot. I didn't give him an ultimatum but I definitely encouraged him to find something else. In the end, he did. He was traveling twice as much in his new job, but made significantly more money, and more importantly, it was a good stepping stone to his current position. We're much better off for it.

If he's unwilling to find something else, is there any way you can get a higher-paying job and have him step up to take care of more family duties?

How old are your kids?? You're in your early 50s and driving them to after school activities? Hmm.

And yes, he should at least look for something that pays better so you can save for retirement and all that.

DH has been at his current job for 20 years. Last year, he made $64,000. He works 60 hour weeks and often on weekends. His commute is 2 hours a day. I have tried on occasion to convince him to look for something else for at least 10 years. I also work. We are in our early 50's and can't save for anything. Our small savings has been eaten away to pay bills. I have considered trying to get a higher paying job myself, but my job is very flexible and I am able to take kids to after school activities, doctor appointments etc... As it is, I do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry, bills and cooking. My husband is very smart and a hard worker, but this has been a huge disappointment for me. I feel very resentful. Am I being unreasonable? DH likes his job, but he also complains about it a lot.