OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have younger kids so can't offer any parenting advice. But, I can say that I personally was (1) spoiled and (2) fairly depressed and angsty and miserable in late high school and early college. I hope I didn't treat my parents this way, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I did.

My dad yelled at me one time when I was home visiting, really laid into me, for picking up a cashmere throw that belonged to my stepmother and taking it outside to cover up while I sat on a dirty porch chair. He told me I needed to have respect for other people's things, to not assume I had access to everything, and to remember that the world didn't revolve around me. It was harsh at the time, but I still remember it and have ever since tried to act like a respectful guest now when I'm home. Point being, talk straight with your kids about what you expect and brook no dissent. They are adults now and should be acting like it. Neither you nor anyone else is their punching bag for whatever else is going on in their lives.

I really feel for you. I get glimpses of the total lack of respect and entitlement from my young teens. It's heartbreaking when you have worked so hard to try to raise good people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't they working? I was raised differently: you start working at 16yo and pay for your own clothes, etc.

I wouldn't threaten to cut them off unless they are nicer and more appreciative. Instead, realize that they are adults and need to start working, even if it's just for spending money. Separately, they also need to learn to be nice.

I did not work at college while I was taking full time classes. When I took part time, I did. But not full time. I couldn't have done either successfully.

15:30 pp here. I don't buy this. Maybe certain semesters if you're taking intense classes like organic chemistry or something. College jobs vary. Some are sitting at desks. I did that and did my homework. Sports center.

AGREE! Unless the kid has some of learning difficulty, he can put 10+ hours into a job. College kids are in class only 10-12 hours/week. The rest of the time they're hanging out, napping, drinking, and -- yes -- studying. I doubt most college students study more than 20 hours/week, except for exams.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't they working? I was raised differently: you start working at 16yo and pay for your own clothes, etc.

I wouldn't threaten to cut them off unless they are nicer and more appreciative. Instead, realize that they are adults and need to start working, even if it's just for spending money. Separately, they also need to learn to be nice.

I did not work at college while I was taking full time classes. When I took part time, I did. But not full time. I couldn't have done either successfully.

15:30 pp here. I don't buy this. Maybe certain semesters if you're taking intense classes like organic chemistry or something. College jobs vary. Some are sitting at desks. I did that and did my homework. Sports center.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't they working? I was raised differently: you start working at 16yo and pay for your own clothes, etc.

I wouldn't threaten to cut them off unless they are nicer and more appreciative. Instead, realize that they are adults and need to start working, even if it's just for spending money. Separately, they also need to learn to be nice.

I did not work at college while I was taking full time classes. When I took part time, I did. But not full time. I couldn't have done either successfully.

I worked all summer and saved most of that cash for my spending money at college. Are they working summer jobs at least? That does not interfere with school.

I just want to say I am so sorry. It is clear you love your kids deeply, and your hurt is totally understandable. For whatever reason, they are pushing you away. Are you at all too smothering or controlling? I struggle with this myself. You need to cut way back on the handouts and recalibrate the relationship. Where is their dad in this picture?

Anonymous wrote:Time to have a hard conversation with them where you lay it all out and stop the gravy train. If they want walking around money they need to earn it...either from you or from a job. Seriously, stop the hand outs. Tell them if they can't pull it together and be respectful and helpful, they won't be invited back for the next break. Then follow through. You need to be direct, lay out expectations and follow through. If you don't follow through nothing with change and that would be your fault.

+1 AND, they should work at school. I did and didn't even get the money- it was part of my financial aid and went to tuition. Any student can work 5-15 hours a week. And they should. It builds responsibility which your kids need.

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't they working? I was raised differently: you start working at 16yo and pay for your own clothes, etc.

I wouldn't threaten to cut them off unless they are nicer and more appreciative. Instead, realize that they are adults and need to start working, even if it's just for spending money. Separately, they also need to learn to be nice.

I did not work at college while I was taking full time classes. When I took part time, I did. But not full time. I couldn't have done either successfully.

When I was 17 and went away to college, my parents deposited a certain amount of money into an account I had a debit card for, monthly. Their goal was to get me to budget on a monthly basis. I think they sent me $80 a month, and I was to let them know if it wasn't enough? I had a food plan too, so this money covered snacks in my dorm room, toiletries, movie tickets, etc. I don't think I ever asked for more, and I don't think I thanked them - it was like allowance, sort of.

But when I came home I did not grumble when asked to throw out the trash or set the table for dinner.

Leave your son alone. Your son and daughter will talk and your son will get the message from her. Don't tell her to tell him. Definitely stop sending them money. Or at least, the son for SURE.

Why aren't they working? I was raised differently: you start working at 16yo and pay for your own clothes, etc.

I wouldn't threaten to cut them off unless they are nicer and more appreciative. Instead, realize that they are adults and need to start working, even if it's just for spending money. Separately, they also need to learn to be nice.

They will be mad you are cutting off their funds. They will have temper tantrums. But like a 3yo, you can't give in.

Anonymous wrote:Time to cut off funds.

Yup. You weren't doing them any favors handing out the cash, even though it felt like you were. They need to have some skin in the game.

Time to have a hard conversation with them where you lay it all out and stop the gravy train. If they want walking around money they need to earn it...either from you or from a job. Seriously, stop the hand outs. Tell them if they can't pull it together and be respectful and helpful, they won't be invited back for the next break. Then follow through. You need to be direct, lay out expectations and follow through. If you don't follow through nothing with change and that would be your fault.

Time to cut off funds.

I don't really know if this is the place to post, but here goes: I have always had a very close relationship with my children, they are both young adults. When they are away at school we get along great. They don't work at school and when they request money(usually weekly), I put it in their accounts. One child never responds that he has received funds,no acknowledgement at all. The other child always grateful and appreciative for everything.
That being said, when they came home this holiday, they didnt do anything at all, expect handouts constantly, and are basically rude.
My son doesn't even come out of his room and when I ask him to do ANYTHING he complains and mutters under his breath. They were so rude to me on Christmas. I actually left the room and cried. They were so unappreciative of their gifts I was sick. They are acting so spoiled and entitled I feel as if I don't even know them. If someone else gave them a gift they were gracious but my daughter would then text me that they got the wrong thing and it was my fault.
My daughter texted me late that night and apologized to me for her behavior. My wayward son has said nothing, just continues to be combative with me no matter what I say. I have actually stopped engaging in conversation with either of them. If they speak to me I am pleasant and civil. My son knows I am upset and has not spoken to me or asked for anything. My daughter is coming around and we seem to he getting over this. Honestly, I can't even speak about it to anyone because I am so embarrassed by their behavior and clearly I have enabled this situation.