Anonymous
12/28/2016 15:00
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Is DH competitive with his ExW about gift giving?
Anonymous
12/28/2016 14:59
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Anonymous wrote:An 11 year old doesn't need a phone.
Maybe the particular 11 year old you have in mind doesn't, but you have no idea if his 11 year old needs a phone.
What's more, most people get Christmas gifts that aren't specifically needs. I didn't need a new necklace. I got one anyway.
Anonymous
12/28/2016 14:11
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Anonymous wrote:You should have a discussion about budgeting, but I do not think you should micromanage his Christmas gifts. Assuming you're not deeply in debt, $1100 for two tweens for Christmas is not really excessive, especially considering that they needed phones anyway. Christmas gifts are just too freighted with meaning. Wait a month, and then talk about budgeting. Maybe in time for next year you can set a reasonable Christmas budget. But do NOT make this about gifts for his kids. That's just going to be too sensitive a way to enter into a discussion about budgeting.
Don't mention the iPhones for his kids.
People who say $1100 is nbd, are out of touch?
Everyone is becoming poor communicators because of these stupid iphones
Anonymous
12/28/2016 10:01
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
You should have a discussion about budgeting, but I do not think you should micromanage his Christmas gifts. Assuming you're not deeply in debt, $1100 for two tweens for Christmas is not really excessive, especially considering that they needed phones anyway. Christmas gifts are just too freighted with meaning. Wait a month, and then talk about budgeting. Maybe in time for next year you can set a reasonable Christmas budget. But do NOT make this about gifts for his kids. That's just going to be too sensitive a way to enter into a discussion about budgeting.
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:54
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
An 11 year old doesn't need a phone.
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:35
Subject: Re:DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Anonymous wrote:Let it go.
It's his money.
No, it's family money. A purchase of $1100 for ANYONE would need to be discussed and budgeted for in my family.
OP, your second suggestion is the best idea going forward. You need to have a budget. Everyone's needs should be factored in. Everyone's wants should also be factored in. I would try really, really hard NOT to make this about the iPhones for your stepkids. I would especially avoid suggesting that your husband should've given them your old phones so that you guys could get new ones. But definitely have a conversation about big expenditures and prior discussions thereof. In my family (also a blended family - daughter from my first marriage and second daughter with DH, so I'm sympathetic to the whole deal), we have an agreement that any purchase over $200 needs to be discussed before it happens.
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:35
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Address expectations about spending (i.e., you agree to discuss purchases over $X first). Plus, you should have had a discussion before it happened and agreed on a Christmas budget-- overall and/or per kid. And going forward, do you agree about things like paying for college, weddings, etc. you need to be on the same page financially.
Not sure I would touch the iPhones now, though. That horse has left the barn. And, for many families, getting a child an iPhone for Christmas is nbd. DH May have felt like he was on solid ground (although, if he hid the receipt, maybe not). Others, like us, give kids hand me downs when we upgrade. You might come off as a little evil stepmom-- we can afford an iPhone upgrade for us, but not YOUR kids (although as I said, I agree with the premise of use iPhones for kids).
So, deal with the underlying problem-- poor communication about money.
Not sure I would touch the iPhones now, though. That horse has left the barn. And, for many families, getting a child an iPhone for Christmas is nbd. DH May have felt like he was on solid ground (although, if he hid the receipt, maybe not). Others, like us, give kids hand me downs when we upgrade. You might come off as a little evil stepmom-- we can afford an iPhone upgrade for us, but not YOUR kids (although as I said, I agree with the premise of use iPhones for kids).
So, deal with the underlying problem-- poor communication about money.
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:31
Subject: Re:DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Let it go.
It's his money.
It's his money.
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:29
Subject: Re:DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
How tight is money?
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:28
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Anonymous wrote:
They are his kids??
I think so, the title is confusing.
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:27
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Anonymous wrote:I think your second thought about a family budget is the best idea, and properly forward looking. Though there would be some sort of agreement that if those phones are lost or broken, they are replaced with old school flip phones. Breaking four phones is not acceptable to my mind!
+1
Mistakes were made. Address yourself to the future. Get mad if he goes back on an agreement you two come to as adults and equals. It sounds like maybe you have different views on personal spending, which I can imagine may lead to resentment in the future (if it hasn't already).
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:19
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
I think your second thought about a family budget is the best idea, and properly forward looking. Though there would be some sort of agreement that if those phones are lost or broken, they are replaced with old school flip phones. Breaking four phones is not acceptable to my mind!
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:18
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Anonymous wrote:Please tell me if I need to let this go. I have three amazing step-kids. DH is an Apple Store junkie. He bought himself a new laptop and gave his old one to the 17 yo. No problem. He bought the 14 yo and the 11 yo new iPhone 6s phones. (Meanwhile he has five and I have a six). I found the receipt and they are $550/ea. The 14 yo has broken 4 iPhones this year and Apple canceled her insurance. The 11 yo is 11. I think this is completely ridiculous. I knew we wanted to get them phones, but he said something about getting refurbished phones or 5s phones. To get brand new phones and not even tell me seems wrong. If I'd known he was going that route I would have asked him to give them our old phones at least! We are not financially in a place where this is nbd and I watch what I spend. DH and I are already on the edge and communicating poorly. Should I just let this go and focus on having us sit down to do a family budget? (This is a long overdue task I know).
They are his kids??
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:17
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
I think you need to discuss money as a general topic. I'm not sure that them being your step kids has anything to do with this. The year I bought iPads for our kids, I discussed it with DH. It's a lot of money. The discussion needs to be about the money, not the gift.
Anonymous
12/28/2016 09:12
Subject: DH Xmas gifts to stepkids
Please tell me if I need to let this go. I have three amazing step-kids. DH is an Apple Store junkie. He bought himself a new laptop and gave his old one to the 17 yo. No problem. He bought the 14 yo and the 11 yo new iPhone 6s phones. (Meanwhile he has five and I have a six). I found the receipt and they are $550/ea. The 14 yo has broken 4 iPhones this year and Apple canceled her insurance. The 11 yo is 11. I think this is completely ridiculous. I knew we wanted to get them phones, but he said something about getting refurbished phones or 5s phones. To get brand new phones and not even tell me seems wrong. If I'd known he was going that route I would have asked him to give them our old phones at least! We are not financially in a place where this is nbd and I watch what I spend. DH and I are already on the edge and communicating poorly. Should I just let this go and focus on having us sit down to do a family budget? (This is a long overdue task I know).