Putting energy into the marriage is like putting energy into maintenance. It often doesn't feel immediately rewarding. It won't bite you in the ass immediately if you put it off. Kids & work, on the other hand, often do require attention right now and/or provide instant feedback.

But, just like if you ignore maintenance on your house too long, you can find that you've lost a major investment because the foundation is crumbling.

Anonymous wrote:The novelist was describing how marriage can become an LLC focused only on the business of raising kids. She described how you have to invest in work, in loving the other person, to overcome all the ways that living with someone is hard.

What do you do to improve your marriage muscle?

Something I noticed over Thanksgiving is how often I talk negatively in my head about DH. I catch myself thinking "I can't believe how lazy he is. Why can't he see trash can is overflowing?" I want to work on turning off that negative tape, maybe creating positive self talk?

That's exactly what I've been saying in counseling recently. That is the problem. We agree (I think) that we need to "invest in work, in loving the other person, to overcome all the ways that living with someone is hard" but finding actionable ways to do this on a daily basis is the problem because we always default to CoParenting Inc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

BobRoss wrote:All I know for sure is this - you think negative thoughts, etc...and what happens if your marriage ends? Then all you think about are the things you miss, the things that were good and happy. And you end up forgetting about all the silly little things like over-flowing trash. But by then it's too late...

We expect out partners to be perfect, and when they're not, we feel personally affronted. Then we start to focus only on that and not on what they bring to the relationship. The tape that needs to be played is that your husband isn't perfect and that's ok.

Oh, come on. Neither one of these is reality. The overflowing trash can + the sweet stuff are marriage. There's no one without the other.

You obviously did not understand what Bob Ross was saying. He is correct. He wasn't saying "sweet stuff", he was saying "acceptance of what is".

I disagree with Bob Ross, obviously. If it is really, truly just the trashcan, then, yeah, sure, switch jobs, don't think about it again, and problem solved. But if the overflowing trashcan is just an example of not fulfilling responsibilities to the household, it can come to feel like the person you are married to doesn't care much about your quality of life. If they are showing it in enough other ways, then you can perhaps reorient your thinking, but if, instead, you barely see each other because of work, kids, etc., then the sweet stuff may barely be visible.

It also seems like this advice is most often directed at women: who cares if he does domestic chores? He loves you, makes you laugh, bring home some of the money. You got a man, baby!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't forget to find your Glove Language, y'all.

I've never heard of this. What is Glove Language?

It's sign language using gloves.

Drat, I was hoping for something in the BDSM family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't forget to find your Glove Language, y'all.

I've never heard of this. What is Glove Language?

It's sign language using gloves.

Anonymous wrote:Don't forget to find your Glove Language, y'all.

I've never heard of this. What is Glove Language?

What do I do? I try to reframe things in a way that gives me a role and responsibilities in the matter.

Instead of, "Why can't DH see the trashcan is overflowing," I think, "DH is slow to deal with this. What can we do to fix this? Make throwing it out every other night a goal, even if it's not completely full? Swap household duties?"

Don't forget to find your Glove Language, y'all.

Read John Gottman books

Find 3-5 things ever day that you like/enjoy or are grateful about your spouse...then tell him.

Distract your negative voice by paying attention to the good stuff.

Anonymous wrote:For me personally it's about ending the self-critical stuff. I excuse myself in being critical of DH because *i* also create high expectations of myself. When he or I miss my self-imposed high standards, he can't understand. I call it fair, in my head, because I'm hard on myself too.

I stopped doing that, with slip ups, a few years ago. I didn't realize how much self-help would improve my part in giving to our marriage.

That's just me. Could be other people too. More generally, I think a lot is about getting the care you need to be your best. You can't give if you're burner out, bring issues that you're not working on. My spouse could give and give and give, he's sweet, but it was slowly gnawing at 'us.'

My husband used to say this to me too: "I'm only as hard on you as I am on myself." To which I laughed in his face and said "I don't give a crap how hard you are on yourself, that's not my problem." He did stop and we have a very good marriage (lots of hard work but it's been over 20 years). He said that he was parroting what his mother used to say to him growing up (about being hard on himself).

Anonymous wrote:

BobRoss wrote:All I know for sure is this - you think negative thoughts, etc...and what happens if your marriage ends? Then all you think about are the things you miss, the things that were good and happy. And you end up forgetting about all the silly little things like over-flowing trash. But by then it's too late...

We expect out partners to be perfect, and when they're not, we feel personally affronted. Then we start to focus only on that and not on what they bring to the relationship. The tape that needs to be played is that your husband isn't perfect and that's ok.

Oh, come on. Neither one of these is reality. The overflowing trash can + the sweet stuff are marriage. There's no one without the other.

You obviously did not understand what Bob Ross was saying. He is correct. He wasn't saying "sweet stuff", he was saying "acceptance of what is".

For me personally it's about ending the self-critical stuff. I excuse myself in being critical of DH because *i* also create high expectations of myself. When he or I miss my self-imposed high standards, he can't understand. I call it fair, in my head, because I'm hard on myself too.

I stopped doing that, with slip ups, a few years ago. I didn't realize how much self-help would improve my part in giving to our marriage.

That's just me. Could be other people too. More generally, I think a lot is about getting the care you need to be your best. You can't give if you're burner out, bring issues that you're not working on. My spouse could give and give and give, he's sweet, but it was slowly gnawing at 'us.'

BobRoss wrote:All I know for sure is this - you think negative thoughts, etc...and what happens if your marriage ends? Then all you think about are the things you miss, the things that were good and happy. And you end up forgetting about all the silly little things like over-flowing trash. But by then it's too late...

We expect out partners to be perfect, and when they're not, we feel personally affronted. Then we start to focus only on that and not on what they bring to the relationship. The tape that needs to be played is that your husband isn't perfect and that's ok.

Oh, come on. Neither one of these is reality. The overflowing trash can + the sweet stuff are marriage. There's no one without the other.

All I know for sure is this - you think negative thoughts, etc...and what happens if your marriage ends? Then all you think about are the things you miss, the things that were good and happy. And you end up forgetting about all the silly little things like over-flowing trash. But by then it's too late...

We expect out partners to be perfect, and when they're not, we feel personally affronted. Then we start to focus only on that and not on what they bring to the relationship. The tape that needs to be played is that your husband isn't perfect and that's ok.

The novelist was describing how marriage can become an LLC focused only on the business of raising kids. She described how you have to invest in work, in loving the other person, to overcome all the ways that living with someone is hard.

What do you do to improve your marriage muscle?

Something I noticed over Thanksgiving is how often I talk negatively in my head about DH. I catch myself thinking "I can't believe how lazy he is. Why can't he see trash can is overflowing?" I want to work on turning off that negative tape, maybe creating positive self talk?