Anonymous
12/03/2016 15:52
Subject: I hate myself
If you have a lot of equity in your home, take some out and pay off the debt. No big deal. Learn from it and move on. My husband I have been there several times. Try to identify where you can take money out besides retirement account, if possible, and pay the debt off or down.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 15:39
Subject: Re:I hate myself
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Open up to him. Tell him exactly what you feel and why you keep doing this.
30K debt is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things(you could make that in a year or two working night jobs as a caregiver). The betrayal is.
You have to figure out how to help him get over your betrayal.
OP here. Yes, exactly. I also have major generalized anxiety disorder, so I'm having trouble putting into perspective how bad this is. I always go to the catastrophic scenario. The anxiety is what makes it so hard for me to share anything negative with him, much less this.
Have you discussed this, the anxiety, hiding behaviors and/or shame with a therapist? This sounds like an area that would really improve with some focus and work.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 15:15
Subject: I hate myself
Anonymous wrote:He lost his job. I don't get why he would have any say.
Then maybe you should have started this thread instead of OP because OP clearly has a conscience. She realizes and regrets her mistake.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 15:11
Subject: I hate myself
Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been in your shoes. Last year I accumulated $10,000 of credit card debt, with really nothing to show for it, felt so depressed and out of control. I was super scared to tell my husband, for reasons I didn't really understand other than shame. I posted about my situation on the money forum and got great advice and took it.
My situation is different in that my DH did not discover the debt. It was on a card I have had for ages that I got for work, it was an Amex, which has crazy high interest rates if you carry a balance. So I opened a new Visa card through my bank in one of those first year no APR and free balance transfer deals. I transferred the Amex balance to the new card. I closed the old Amex card. I then had a year to pay off the new Visa with the old Amex balance without interest.
Suddenly, I felt in control. It's hard to explain, but just the act of taking charge of getting the new card and transferring the balance and knowing I had a year to pay it off without anymore accumulating interest had a mental effect on my state of mind in a very positive way. I paid it off in 3 months. It was such a relief and I lost all that anxiety. So I told my DH, I guess because I felt so guilty (as if I was having an affair). He was surprised I hadn't said anything sooner and told me never to feel I couldn't come to him. And I haven't racked up a balance on this new Visa. I am keeping it open to help my credit.
Maybe consider starting a thread in the money forum. Marriage and money go hand in hand. The responses I received were all super supportive and very helpful, from both a practical and relationship standpoint. Don't beat yourself up about the 30k, you can move past this,
Thank you for this.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:49
Subject: Re:I hate myself
Anonymous wrote:Open up to him. Tell him exactly what you feel and why you keep doing this.
30K debt is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things(you could make that in a year or two working night jobs as a caregiver). The betrayal is.
You have to figure out how to help him get over your betrayal.
OP here. Yes, exactly. I also have major generalized anxiety disorder, so I'm having trouble putting into perspective how bad this is. I always go to the catastrophic scenario. The anxiety is what makes it so hard for me to share anything negative with him, much less this.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:40
Subject: I hate myself
Anonymous wrote:He lost his job. I don't get why he would have any say.
Tell that to the SAHMs always harping 'our money'.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:34
Subject: Re:I hate myself
Anonymous wrote:Open up to him. Tell him exactly what you feel and why you keep doing this.
30K debt is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things(you could make that in a year or two working night jobs as a caregiver). The betrayal is.
You have to figure out how to help him get over your betrayal.
She snowballed 30K of debt with a spouse that's unemployed and that's not a big deal? It's a big deal.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:22
Subject: I hate myself
Cut up everything but your debit card. Start automatic payments from your paycheck direct to creditors. Then confess and show him what you've done to set it right.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:20
Subject: I hate myself
OP, I've been in your shoes. Last year I accumulated $10,000 of credit card debt, with really nothing to show for it, felt so depressed and out of control. I was super scared to tell my husband, for reasons I didn't really understand other than shame. I posted about my situation on the money forum and got great advice and took it.
My situation is different in that my DH did not discover the debt. It was on a card I have had for ages that I got for work, it was an Amex, which has crazy high interest rates if you carry a balance. So I opened a new Visa card through my bank in one of those first year no APR and free balance transfer deals. I transferred the Amex balance to the new card. I closed the old Amex card. I then had a year to pay off the new Visa with the old Amex balance without interest.
Suddenly, I felt in control. It's hard to explain, but just the act of taking charge of getting the new card and transferring the balance and knowing I had a year to pay it off without anymore accumulating interest had a mental effect on my state of mind in a very positive way. I paid it off in 3 months. It was such a relief and I lost all that anxiety. So I told my DH, I guess because I felt so guilty (as if I was having an affair). He was surprised I hadn't said anything sooner and told me never to feel I couldn't come to him. And I haven't racked up a balance on this new Visa. I am keeping it open to help my credit.
Maybe consider starting a thread in the money forum. Marriage and money go hand in hand. The responses I received were all super supportive and very helpful, from both a practical and relationship standpoint. Don't beat yourself up about the 30k, you can move past this,
My situation is different in that my DH did not discover the debt. It was on a card I have had for ages that I got for work, it was an Amex, which has crazy high interest rates if you carry a balance. So I opened a new Visa card through my bank in one of those first year no APR and free balance transfer deals. I transferred the Amex balance to the new card. I closed the old Amex card. I then had a year to pay off the new Visa with the old Amex balance without interest.
Suddenly, I felt in control. It's hard to explain, but just the act of taking charge of getting the new card and transferring the balance and knowing I had a year to pay it off without anymore accumulating interest had a mental effect on my state of mind in a very positive way. I paid it off in 3 months. It was such a relief and I lost all that anxiety. So I told my DH, I guess because I felt so guilty (as if I was having an affair). He was surprised I hadn't said anything sooner and told me never to feel I couldn't come to him. And I haven't racked up a balance on this new Visa. I am keeping it open to help my credit.
Maybe consider starting a thread in the money forum. Marriage and money go hand in hand. The responses I received were all super supportive and very helpful, from both a practical and relationship standpoint. Don't beat yourself up about the 30k, you can move past this,
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:06
Subject: I hate myself
Anonymous wrote:He lost his job. I don't get why he would have any say.
You aren't very familiar with the concept of family, are you?
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:05
Subject: I hate myself
So how did you get $30,000 in debt anyway? I ask only because it sounds like a spending problem, like an addiction almost. You are going to have to STOP spending and pay that stuff off. Can you do it?
I'm not great with money, either, so I empathize. But I always tell my husband my screw ups.
There are three aspects of what to do when you screw up. Apologize, fix it, and try your hardest to never do it again.
In your shoes, I would repeat how sorry I was, tell him it's actually $30,000 (like ripping off a bandaid,, just do it), lay out "a" plan to pay it off or else ask him how he wants to handle it (maybe he should take over all the money), acknowledge how hurtful the deceit was, be willing to do whatever it takes to earn back his trust, and if necessary, go to counseling. Focus on those three ways to remedy your mistake. Do them because they are the right thing to do. Not because you think it will save your marriage. That's his choice, but I do think with honesty and integrity on your part, he should be able to work through this. With time.
I'm not great with money, either, so I empathize. But I always tell my husband my screw ups.
There are three aspects of what to do when you screw up. Apologize, fix it, and try your hardest to never do it again.
In your shoes, I would repeat how sorry I was, tell him it's actually $30,000 (like ripping off a bandaid,, just do it), lay out "a" plan to pay it off or else ask him how he wants to handle it (maybe he should take over all the money), acknowledge how hurtful the deceit was, be willing to do whatever it takes to earn back his trust, and if necessary, go to counseling. Focus on those three ways to remedy your mistake. Do them because they are the right thing to do. Not because you think it will save your marriage. That's his choice, but I do think with honesty and integrity on your part, he should be able to work through this. With time.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:03
Subject: I hate myself
How did you accumulate so much debt with such a high salary? Do you have a shopping addiction? You say you can pay it off but I wonder if you're kidding yourself unless you have a dramatic change in habits. I don't know your husband so I can't say what you can do to reveal the whole problem to him. I do think you should start by cutting those cards in half to show him you really mean to change.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:02
Subject: Re:I hate myself
Open up to him. Tell him exactly what you feel and why you keep doing this.
30K debt is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things(you could make that in a year or two working night jobs as a caregiver). The betrayal is.
You have to figure out how to help him get over your betrayal.
30K debt is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things(you could make that in a year or two working night jobs as a caregiver). The betrayal is.
You have to figure out how to help him get over your betrayal.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 14:00
Subject: I hate myself
He lost his job. I don't get why he would have any say.
Anonymous
12/03/2016 13:56
Subject: I hate myself
For years, I've been hiding credit card debt from my husband. It snowballed this year when he lost his job and I've been the sole breadwinner since January. It's now $30k. I know I'll get flamed for this because it is a horrible thing to do to someone. I have been stressed out about this for as long as I can remember and have been trying to find a way to tell him, but he is not easy to talk to when something has gone wrong. He loses his temper.
Anyway, yesterday he found out about $15k of the debt and he was furious and is now just very quiet. He feels betrayed and is questioning who I am. I have to tell him about the other $15k, and I'm afraid that it will be the straw that makes him leave me. The thing is, we can pay it off. I make $200k and we don't have other debts other than mortgage. We have savings, 401k, etc. Or we could get a loan to pay it off at lower interest. We have financial options. The problem is how deceptive I was.
I don't know what to do. Don't know what to say to him.
Anyway, yesterday he found out about $15k of the debt and he was furious and is now just very quiet. He feels betrayed and is questioning who I am. I have to tell him about the other $15k, and I'm afraid that it will be the straw that makes him leave me. The thing is, we can pay it off. I make $200k and we don't have other debts other than mortgage. We have savings, 401k, etc. Or we could get a loan to pay it off at lower interest. We have financial options. The problem is how deceptive I was.
I don't know what to do. Don't know what to say to him.