Anonymous wrote:He buys you flowers and Birthday gifts. You are doing OK.

Just tell him you want gifts. Do the love languages thing.

This. If gifts are the thing that makes you feel most loved, communicate that. Otherwise this is no big deal.

I would be pissed if my husband kept spending money on things he guessed I would like. I would much prefer we discuss them before my money is spent.

"apart" from flowers & birthdays? What else do you want?

Gifts are a big deal to you, I take it? You're going to need to tell him how happy surprise gifts make you. And make a BIG DEAL out of the flowers & birthdays, really be appreciative.

Anonymous wrote:Apart from food, flowers, and birthdays. He has not surprised me with anything.

I however have bought him plenty of things. In fact I spend a lot of money on him. He makes more money than I do (100k vs 60k) and we split everything down the middle at my choice.

Is this abnormal?

You are getting what you said you wanted out of this relationship. Stop buying things for him - you do not have that kind of relationship with him. You both have issues around money and it is a big elephant in the room.

He buys you flowers and Birthday gifts. You are doing OK.

Just tell him you want gifts. Do the love languages thing.

Same here. I have bought him quality stuff that he needs, and he doesn't even use it, so starting from now I'm not buying him anything either.

We've been married a long time and rarely surprise each other with gifts. Earlier this week I suggested we see a movie, Allied (don't bother!) and tonight we are going out to dinner. I don't do this for her as a gift because its a nice way to spend time together. I can't recall the last time she surprised me with a gift but she doesn't need to. She does a ton of nice things for me and I appreciate it. I recently took her to Paris and we're spending a small fortune on a home renovation (her project) thus I think I've been pretty generous recently! If OP's real problem is a lack of romance, giving gifts is not the solution. Buy yourself a sexy nightie and surprise him in bed.

It's like bowerbirds. They bring each other special rocks and flowers and bugs to eat when they are first getting together.

Then when they're a nested pair and eating together, special gifts of rocks and flowers and bugs become occasional. This doesn't mean the "death" of a relationship. It means that romance has matured into a partnership.

My wife has full access to our bank account. My job is the source of most of the income for the account. So, in that sense, I buy more stuff for her than I do for myself.

*shrug* My father doesn't buy little gifts or plan dates for my mother either. But when she asks for something he gets it for her - a trip to Australia, a new $30K diamond ring, a luxury car. She may 'only' get those things once every few years but I think she likes the bigger items rather than biweekly reminders of love.

If you have joint finances like most married couples do, he might just be thinking, "If she wants something special, she'll just buy it or mention it to me so we can discuss its cost together." Buying something special for someone, out your own personal resources, is generally a courting behavior and not the behavior of long-term well-communicating couples.

This is all an awkward way to say: Absent other signs of troubles in your marriage, it might just be pure cluelessness on the part of your husband, not a symptom of something wrong. Drop him a hint; mention to him openly that you'd like the occasional treat. That might be all you need.

I'm not trying to keep score. I guess I feel frustrated that there's no romance in our relationship. He doesn't have to spend money per se - but to plan a date, do something thoughtful once in a while would be nice.

My husband doesn't buy me things outside of holidays and anniversaries. If he did, I'd probably think, "oh, Jesus. What has he done now?"

Happily married for 11 years.

I think it's weird that you care to remember this - score-keeping will kill a marriage. (Plus, he has bought you gifts and flowers, so it isn't "nothing.")

Apart from food, flowers, and birthdays. He has not surprised me with anything.

I however have bought him plenty of things. In fact I spend a lot of money on him. He makes more money than I do (100k vs 60k) and we split everything down the middle at my choice.

Is this abnormal?