Anonymous wrote:I don't think it matters what happens in other people's families. I also don't think that divorcing parents always see the negative impacts on their own children.

+1 ask us, the actual grown up kids of divorced parents, not the divorced parents.

I also agree with the PP who says, why are you only looking for the good stories, and also that some divorced parents don't see the negative repercussions on their kids.

I am a child of divorce, when I was 9. I am completely well-adjusted. The main thing is that it was a pretty "clean" divorce.

Post-divorce my parents NEVER fought. They could be trusted both to be at my sporting events, concerts, birthday parties, etc. without weirdness.

They both had their own sets of friends and so few people felt caught in the middle - and even if they did, things were cordial enough between mom and dad that no one felt like they were betraying mom if they spent time with dad or vice versa.

They only lived two miles apart so "going to mom's" or "going to dad's" wasn't this huge production. We stayed at our same school, could see our friends whether we were at mom'S or dad's, etc.

Both of them had similar child rearing techniques and styles. In other words, no "Disney-dad" or dad who spoiled the kids rotten/allowed kids to do a bunch of stuff mom would never allow, stuff like that.

None of us can compare divorce with no divorce. My parents spilt up when I was 13. Yes, it was hard in all sorts of ways, but I can't imagine how bad it could have been to live with parents who stayed together because they imagined that their being miserable would benefit me. I think I am better off having parents who modelled emotional maturity and self-care (ok - one at least) than I would have been with parents who stayed in a loveless marriage. Live as a good example.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are well adjusted post-divorce. I think there were two keys:

One is that very soon after we told them, things changed and we went right into the new routine. Less than a week. So they didn't have to spend a lot of time worrying about how things would be different, there wasn't months of being in flux. We got all our ducks in a row - telling the kids was literally the last thing we did.

Two is that they see us getting along. We both go to school things, birthday parties, etc. When he drops the kids off it's not awkward if they ask him to come in to show him how they rearranged their bedroom or want his help with a school project.

That's great but your divorce will impact your kid long after their birthday party and school project days are over. I'm not saying you were wrong to get divorced, because divorce is the right and best option in many cases, but the impact lasts beyond the elementary years.

Thanks. I'm aware of that, what with two of my kids having already graduated from college. Just because something impacts someone it doesn't mean it impacts them negatively.

My mom would say and has said the same thing about me and my siblings what she didn't know because we didn't tell her were the issues we all had with dating, the fears of committing to a relationship, planning weddings, holidays, grandchildren's birthdays, visits, caring for ageing parents, the list goes on and on. Yes on the surface we are all " Well adjusted" we've graduated college, have steady jobs, and spouses, our parents aren't at each other's throats, we get along with the step parents, but the impact is still there.

The problem is you cannot always KNOW that they are "well adjusted". They might tell you they are, but really they are not. In some cases they won't even know themselves how damaged they are until they are in their 20s and understand things better with the help of a therapist.

In my case, if you had asked me as a kid, I would have said "yes I was happy" but in retrospect, no I was not happy. My parents divorce inflicted deep, life-long damage on me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are well adjusted post-divorce. I think there were two keys:

One is that very soon after we told them, things changed and we went right into the new routine. Less than a week. So they didn't have to spend a lot of time worrying about how things would be different, there wasn't months of being in flux. We got all our ducks in a row - telling the kids was literally the last thing we did.

Two is that they see us getting along. We both go to school things, birthday parties, etc. When he drops the kids off it's not awkward if they ask him to come in to show him how they rearranged their bedroom or want his help with a school project.

That's great but your divorce will impact your kid long after their birthday party and school project days are over. I'm not saying you were wrong to get divorced, because divorce is the right and best option in many cases, but the impact lasts beyond the elementary years.

Thanks. I'm aware of that, what with two of my kids having already graduated from college. Just because something impacts someone it doesn't mean it impacts them negatively.

I'm so very glad my parents divorced but my dad was an alcoholic. I hated hearing him get drunk and yell at night when I was trying to sleep. I hated his temper too. Thankfully, 50/50 custody wasn't' the thing back then. I think 50/50 custody isn''t good for kids. My brother and I are not scarred for life. I am grateful we lived with my mom and only saw my dad every other weekend. He usually took us to his parents so the actual childcare was done by my grandmother.

This won't be a popular answer, but as a school administrator I can easily guess if a kids parents are divorced before they tell me. It messes them up more than you know.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are well adjusted post-divorce. I think there were two keys:

One is that very soon after we told them, things changed and we went right into the new routine. Less than a week. So they didn't have to spend a lot of time worrying about how things would be different, there wasn't months of being in flux. We got all our ducks in a row - telling the kids was literally the last thing we did.

Two is that they see us getting along. We both go to school things, birthday parties, etc. When he drops the kids off it's not awkward if they ask him to come in to show him how they rearranged their bedroom or want his help with a school project.

That's great but your divorce will impact your kid long after their birthday party and school project days are over. I'm not saying you were wrong to get divorced, because divorce is the right and best option in many cases, but the impact lasts beyond the elementary years.

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an opinion on whether you should do it, but it seems problematic to me that you're looking only for stories of happy, well-adjusted kids. Yes, I'm sure you can find those. You can also find stories where the kids are not ok. How does it inform your decision to only hear the good stories?

It seems healthier to me to accept there will be some negative consequences for the kids, and then ask if you want the divorce knowing that. Don't kid yourself about the negative parts of this. If the divorce seems like the right choice, even taking into account the negative, then do it.

+1000

My kids are well adjusted post-divorce. I think there were two keys:

One is that very soon after we told them, things changed and we went right into the new routine. Less than a week. So they didn't have to spend a lot of time worrying about how things would be different, there wasn't months of being in flux. We got all our ducks in a row - telling the kids was literally the last thing we did.

Two is that they see us getting along. We both go to school things, birthday parties, etc. When he drops the kids off it's not awkward if they ask him to come in to show him how they rearranged their bedroom or want his help with a school project.

I don't think it matters what happens in other people's families. I also don't think that divorcing parents always see the negative impacts on their own children.

I don't have an opinion on whether you should do it, but it seems problematic to me that you're looking only for stories of happy, well-adjusted kids. Yes, I'm sure you can find those. You can also find stories where the kids are not ok. How does it inform your decision to only hear the good stories?

It seems healthier to me to accept there will be some negative consequences for the kids, and then ask if you want the divorce knowing that. Don't kid yourself about the negative parts of this. If the divorce seems like the right choice, even taking into account the negative, then do it.

Don't do it.

I'm thinking of divorcing my DH, but worried about the effect on my kids, who would find it to be a complete surprise. My DH and I don't fight, we are good coparents, we just have completely different emotional needs. So, for those you have divorced a good father, how has it affected your kids?