OP, this is us. My MIL and I stopped getting presents for each other years ago. DH makes them a photo calendar each year and that is the sum total of what they get from us.

Anonymous wrote:I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

Oh please. Lots of women work out of the home now. Quite a few are the primary bread winners. But in spite of this, women are still held to be responsible for all of this stuff. I say BS. I used to do all this crap, and then I stopped. I buy DH's 90+ year old grandmother stuff for X-mas, but I don't for his folks. He's a 42 grown ass man. I give him suggestions. He'll often blow me off, and then at the last possible moment come back to me and ask me which website it is on, and order it. Done. We do this for holiday cards and thank you stuff as well. I organize all the stupid outfits, photographer and get all of us ready for the pictures. Then I order them so they arrive before the 1st of December. I provide the list of addresses (since he never updates any of it, including his extended family members, which I don't always have their contact info for), stamps and the ready cards. He has to address those to his family. I take care of all of the kids' thank you cards for their birthday presents and from our friends for the holidays and kids' birthdays, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

If you're sending out Christmas cards, for heaven's sake address and send ones to his family too. At least parents and siblings. That seems silly not to do.

Now, gift purchasing and all else? Fine, leave to him.

My family decided long ago no gifts. So my parents do not get a gift.

My H family does gifts for cousins... ugh. I put a rule ... only if they are in college or younger. They get a gift card.

We get his parents a gift card to a restaurant and maybe 1 other thing.

We use to get his niece and nephew a gift but his brother divorced and obviously his wife did all the shopping so those gifts stopped and I was more than happy to stop giving them gifts.

My H is in charge of thank you notes to his family which means his family NEVER gets a thank you note.

Anonymous wrote:My SIL does this with some things, and it feels a little like a slap in the face. I get that I'm not HER sister, but does that mean I'm nothing to her?

I guess if I had a husband who was slacking, I'd share the tasks differently--either letting him be in charge of whole tasks that I didn't care about, or sitting down with him to do the tasks that affect both of our families (gifts for nieces and nephews, holiday cards, etc.)

Who does it feel like a slap in the face from, your brother or his wife?

We don't really exchange holiday gifts with adults in my family, so this would be okay for most things. Also, remembering birthdays and sending Mother's Day cards, etc is something that we each handle for our side of the family. If DH forgets, I probably wouldn't even know.

I also don't send out Christmas cards every year, but on the years that I do send them out, I wouldn't exclude DHs family. That seems like taking it too far. Maybe I would make him address envelopes or something, but I wouldn't deliberately skip his side.

In our family, no adults exchange gifts, so no I don't buy for my ILs but also don't buy for my parents. It really helps reduce stress as most of the adults buy what they want.

I fully put interactions with his mother on my husband. I think you should keep on keepin on.

My SIL does this with some things, and it feels a little like a slap in the face. I get that I'm not HER sister, but does that mean I'm nothing to her?

I guess if I had a husband who was slacking, I'd share the tasks differently--either letting him be in charge of whole tasks that I didn't care about, or sitting down with him to do the tasks that affect both of our families (gifts for nieces and nephews, holiday cards, etc.)

Anonymous wrote:I grew up watching my mother do everything around the holidays, 100+ Christmas cards, decorating, hosting large family dinners etc..
SHe shopped for like 50 people, her family, my dad's family, neighbors, teachers, Sunday School etc... as a result, she was always stressed out this time of year.
I swore I would never take ALL the holiday responsibility. Early on in my marriage, I told DH that HIS family was HIS responsibility. I would not shop for them, send them cards, plan dinners etc... but I would have wrapping paper and cards on hand if he wanted.

As a result, his family gets nothing. I somewhat feel embarrassed but there is no way I am letting this fall on my plate. If they comment, I say something like, "Sorry, Lou never got to sending out cards." We also rarely see them much at all throughout the year as DH never plans anythings with them. (I'm fine with that!!!)

Anyone else like this?

I do not get gifts for any adults, not even my DH( we agree that we can each just buy what we want).
However, we get gifts for every child in the family. It's a pain but I think children cherish it. Sometimes we do it together, sometimes we do it separately.

Don't do what you don't want to do. That's fine.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have nieces and nephews on his side? If you get gifts for nieces nephews on your side, but not his side, I think that's cruel.

I understand the other stuff - but for kids, you're also their aunt.

He has one niece who's in her early 20s. I've seen her maybe 5 times in her life so I am only in aunt in title.
Some years he sends an Amazon gift card, but most years not.

Do you have nieces and nephews on his side? If you get gifts for nieces nephews on your side, but not his side, I think that's cruel.

I understand the other stuff - but for kids, you're also their aunt.

I grew up watching my mother do everything around the holidays, 100+ Christmas cards, decorating, hosting large family dinners etc..
SHe shopped for like 50 people, her family, my dad's family, neighbors, teachers, Sunday School etc... as a result, she was always stressed out this time of year.
I swore I would never take ALL the holiday responsibility. Early on in my marriage, I told DH that HIS family was HIS responsibility. I would not shop for them, send them cards, plan dinners etc... but I would have wrapping paper and cards on hand if he wanted.

As a result, his family gets nothing. I somewhat feel embarrassed but there is no way I am letting this fall on my plate. If they comment, I say something like, "Sorry, Lou never got to sending out cards." We also rarely see them much at all throughout the year as DH never plans anythings with them. (I'm fine with that!!!)

Anyone else like this?