OP here.

I'm not "badmouthing" anyone. Why are you all so hostile when I am simply asking for advice?

The e-vite came from her, not my son. Of course I can and will talk to him about it, but she seemed to take the lead on this.

Why is it so bad for me to express hurt and ask for advice?

I don't know whether she knew you always hosted lifelong friends for the occasion, OP, so I can't speak to her degree of callousness.

However she does seem to me to be a trifle high-handed.

I think you can call her and very nicely explain the situation, saying that you can't abandon your friends. So either she extends an invitation to them as well, which might put her out, or you have to decline her invitation. Or can your friends find someone else to spend the holiday with?

Anyway, these things are best resolved by talking to each other.

I'm on OP's side here, and I'm a DIL, not a MIL. If there's a long-standing family tradition for Thanksgiving, which it sounds like there is in this case, then it seems unkind to me for the son and DIL to jump in and change it without even mentioning it to OP first. It's not that OP has the right to host Thanksgiving forever, but the way DIL did this was very thoughtless.

It was passive aggressive but all you can do is just move from here - either accept and tell your friends that plans changed this year or decline her invitation. You can certainly be gracious and say you have already invited the friends and cannot back out of that now.

Just remember that plans sometimes have to change as families grow and change. You have had your own arrangements and you can certainly continue to do so but life may bring people in and out as their own lives change - yes, even our own kids. Don't take it personally. Maybe she has taken your lead and has friends she wishes to include in celebration as her own tradition.

Anonymous wrote:It IS a done deal. THEY will be hosting thanksgiving at THEIR home with THEIR guests. You can choose to join them because you want to see your child/grandchildren, or you can choose to host your own guests in your own home because that is an important tradition for you. Either is fine and valid. What you don't get to do is badmouth them for choosing a different way of celebrating or attempt to host your guests at their home.

+1. You're inventing drama where there is none, OP.

I disagree with the PPs. I think this is very weird and presumptuous that she did this without discussing it.

Anonymous wrote:
No

Op, think about it - - why should DIL and son always have to have THEIR Thanksgiving YOUR way? Your tradition. The way you always have done it.


I have no problem with change, or with her hosting. But the way it was done, with no discussion, excluding lifelong friends who have been celebrating with us for much longer than she has been around, was callous.

See now you're changing your tune, and being dramatic. What did you think was going to happen? Really Op, did it not occur to you that someday they would not want to be an appendage to your role as hostess?

It IS a done deal. THEY will be hosting thanksgiving at THEIR home with THEIR guests. You can choose to join them because you want to see your child/grandchildren, or you can choose to host your own guests in your own home because that is an important tradition for you. Either is fine and valid. What you don't get to do is badmouth them for choosing a different way of celebrating or attempt to host your guests at their home.

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your SON discuss it with you?

+1 And, your 'lifelong friends' are not her friends. It sounds like your DS and DIL want to start their own tradition. Don't know why you're blaming it on your DIL.

Why didn't your SON discuss it with you?

Anonymous wrote:No

Op, think about it - - why should DIL and son always have to have THEIR Thanksgiving YOUR way? Your tradition. The way you always have done it.

I have no problem with change, or with her hosting. But the way it was done, with no discussion, excluding lifelong friends who have been celebrating with us for much longer than she has been around, was callous.

No. If she is hosting, she gets to do the inviting.

Assume the best. They have the choice to host if they want and invite whoever they want- and you have the choice to either accept or decline graciously.

No

Op, think about it - - why should DIL and son always have to have THEIR Thanksgiving YOUR way? Your tradition. The way you always have done it.

Two weeks ago, my DIL--using an evite, no less--invited our entire family over for Thanksgiving. We typically host not only family, but family friends, who don't seem to be invited.

I'm irked, as she didn't discuss with anyone in my family first. I think the early invite and casual medium were done deliberately, so it would be a "done deal."

Can I ask her to invite our friends, who will surely be disappointed?