Anonymous wrote:OP, abuse is very much in the eye of the beholder. Anything and everything can fall into this category should the victim think so.

This is absolutely NOT true. Not to be insensitive, but really, it's not true. People can be over sensitive. Interpreting any disagreement or any harsh word as abuse is wrong and it takes away from the resources that should be directed at those who are truly victims.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Name calling, telling you that no one would ever want you and you should be glad he/she puts up with you, humiliating comments, telling you he'll/she'll commit suicide if you ever leave him/her, I mean the possibilities are endless.

This.

Plus the yelling and raging. Speeding dangerously either away from you or with you in the car. Downtalking your family and friends.
Mostly the no one will ever want you stuff.
Making you feel like you're an awful person when the rest of the world seems to think you're pretty good.
I don't agree with 'it's in the eye of the beholder' because abuse is abuse. However they will work your weak spots (if you're self conscious of your appearance they might focus there). So the abuse can manifest differently for different people but the underlying theme is further diminishing your already low self worth so you're reliant on them and they can control you.
It helped me to quit keeping his secret and start telling people specific things and seeing the horrified looks on their faces. It's a wake up call, that's for sure.
Also you feel like a different person apart from them and start dreading coming home.

This is an incredible TED Talk about why the abused don't leave and part of getting out is not keeping their secret that they are abusing you.

http://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave

Agree 100% One time, I said to my husband, "how about I post what you just said on Facebook? You OK with that? Because I am perfectly OK with posting everything I have said here." When he said no, I told him he better start wondering why it's not OK and why he would be utterly ashamed and embarrassed if his friends and family knew the way he talked to me.

If you can't tell your friends and family about it, it's abusive.

That isn't 100% flawless but if you suspect abuse it'll give you a way to gauge the behavior. If you told your parent or sibling or close friend that he'd said XYZ would they be appalled and outraged? If so, you are probably not sharing and that's probably because deep down you recognize that it's not okay and other people will point that out.

And no, the "stop caring" method is about not having unreasonable expectations - for example, not needing your DH to love the meal you cooked (if you love it it's good enough) or to go see the movie you want to see (that's what friends are for) or to meet all of your emotional needs (we all need a network, not a one-person dumping ground). It is not a technique for living in an abusive environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Name calling, telling you that no one would ever want you and you should be glad he/she puts up with you, humiliating comments, telling you he'll/she'll commit suicide if you ever leave him/her, I mean the possibilities are endless.

This.

Plus the yelling and raging. Speeding dangerously either away from you or with you in the car. Downtalking your family and friends.
Mostly the no one will ever want you stuff.
Making you feel like you're an awful person when the rest of the world seems to think you're pretty good.
I don't agree with 'it's in the eye of the beholder' because abuse is abuse. However they will work your weak spots (if you're self conscious of your appearance they might focus there). So the abuse can manifest differently for different people but the underlying theme is further diminishing your already low self worth so you're reliant on them and they can control you.
It helped me to quit keeping his secret and start telling people specific things and seeing the horrified looks on their faces. It's a wake up call, that's for sure.
Also you feel like a different person apart from them and start dreading coming home.

This is an incredible TED Talk about why the abused don't leave and part of getting out is not keeping their secret that they are abusing you.

http://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave

Anonymous wrote:Name calling, telling you that no one would ever want you and you should be glad he/she puts up with you, humiliating comments, telling you he'll/she'll commit suicide if you ever leave him/her, I mean the possibilities are endless.

This.

Plus the yelling and raging. Speeding dangerously either away from you or with you in the car. Downtalking your family and friends.
Mostly the no one will ever want you stuff.
Making you feel like you're an awful person when the rest of the world seems to think you're pretty good.
I don't agree with 'it's in the eye of the beholder' because abuse is abuse. However they will work your weak spots (if you're self conscious of your appearance they might focus there). So the abuse can manifest differently for different people but the underlying theme is further diminishing your already low self worth so you're reliant on them and they can control you.
It helped me to quit keeping his secret and start telling people specific things and seeing the horrified looks on their faces. It's a wake up call, that's for sure.
Also you feel like a different person apart from them and start dreading coming home.

Anonymous wrote:dw's or dh's, can you give examples of verbal/emotional abuse by your so? AND, can the dcum "stop caring" method be effective in such circumstances?

What you mean by this, can you please elaborate?

my ex used to not be in control of his anger and would rage scream at me. Literally wake me up from a sound sleep to scream for a couple of hours. it was also physically intimidating.

I was a teenage mother. He used to tell me I would never finish college and never become anything. I was raised in foster care and he would tell me I didn't know how to do anything (like make a proper dinner) because I never had a family.

Anonymous wrote:OP, abuse is very much in the eye of the beholder. Anything and everything can fall into this category should the victim think so.

DISAGREE 100%

Look Here:
[url]http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/
[/url]

OP, abuse is very much in the eye of the beholder. Anything and everything can fall into this category should the victim think so.

Name calling, telling you that no one would ever want you and you should be glad he/she puts up with you, humiliating comments, telling you he'll/she'll commit suicide if you ever leave him/her, I mean the possibilities are endless.

Anonymous wrote:None of your business.

these responses always get me. you are on a forum entitled "relationship discussion"

None of your business.

dw's or dh's, can you give examples of verbal/emotional abuse by your so? AND, can the dcum "stop caring" method be effective in such circumstances?