Check out the thread about the guy wondering why his wife's libido suddenly spiked. I don't think anyone suggested, "you must be kicking ass at your chores."

Hormones and fantasizing about another guy were prime suggestions. So, wait for peri-menopause or maybe get her reading some erotica.

OP, did you ever have a healthy sex live with your DW? Or have you always desired her more than she desired you? If the former, it can be rekindled.

Some positively here...massages, more housework, or trear DW like shit

I'm hoping some positive stories will be posted. I'm a DW who has also withdrawn sexually. I've come to the conclusion we are very different sexually. I want sex more frequently. I want it for closeness and he wants it in response to having a boner. I'm not convinced he's even that attracted to me. He needs medication to finish with me. He's cheated on me and deep down I distrust him. I have a lot of resentment. I'm hoping time will heal. I'm trying to just be as nice to him as possible and remain hopeful decent sex will happen in the future. The sad thing I don't think it will. I think we will be co-parents.

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly are the guys supposed to jump through all the hoops? Are the women really that unafraid of getting dropped? Marriage without sex is just coparenting.

In my case she severely withdrew affection and kept telling me I needed to do more and always had an excuse. I really worked my butt off to no avail. As I noted it was all a rationalization because she was head over heels in love with another man. He dumped her later.

I found some of the pod casts on longestshortesttime helpful. Particularly Esther Perell.

Why exactly are the guys supposed to jump through all the hoops? Are the women really that unafraid of getting dropped? Marriage without sex is just coparenting.

Mine never did. She made me jump through hoops. Turns out it was an affair. Feelings appear to be coming back post divorce because I've been cool and she seems to realize what she lost. Time will tell. And if I even want her back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your "help" isn't really doing your share. It's not supposed to be you helping her, it's supposed to be that both of you are mutual partners in managing the household. That means you take the initiative sometimes, rather than just doing what she tells you to like an intern or something.

Wow, right you are. In my defense, she is a SAHM and pretty particular about the house and kids.

You need to break out of the pattern of half-assedly doing a little and giving up when she's "particular". She has her systems and ways of doing things for a reason, and you should try to comprehend it. A lot of men don't understand that efficiently running a household requires a lot of carefully designed patterns and systems that interlock with each other. Discuss with her to pick an appropriate area to master. Learn the system and take responsibility. Do it well for long enough that she trusts you with it. Then she will feel more respected and also have more time to relax.

Or try the massage. Needs to be 20-30 minutes of motivated work, though. Not half-assed, distracted, and begrudging. Bring to the massage the attitude you hope she'll bring to sex.

DH here. I've been in the same situation. I tried helping around the house but she wants it cleaned her way -- go figure. So, I started giving her massages. I take my time, like 20 - 30 minutes or so, and she starts melting. The clothes come off and we're getting it on. I'm like a switch -- she's like a combination lock. There's a way to get to her -- no woman doesn't like a massage. Try it!

Anonymous wrote:Mine did when my husband was regularly treating me like crap and flirting with women from his work via text. I wouldn't recommend that technique, though.

Halfway there

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your "help" isn't really doing your share. It's not supposed to be you helping her, it's supposed to be that both of you are mutual partners in managing the household. That means you take the initiative sometimes, rather than just doing what she tells you to like an intern or something.

Wow, right you are. In my defense, she is a SAHM and pretty particular about the house and kids.

Mine did when my husband was regularly treating me like crap and flirting with women from his work via text. I wouldn't recommend that technique, though.

It might come back when the kids aren't asking as much of her physically. But think about whether you have let yourself slide in other ways. Or maybe your "help" isn't really doing your share. It's not supposed to be you helping her, it's supposed to be that both of you are mutual partners in managing the household. That means you take the initiative sometimes, rather than just doing what she tells you to like an intern or something.

I am a DW and my main issue is my DH's lack of hygiene. Bad breath, never brushes, doesn't wash face before bed, etc. We have had about a dozen serious conversations about it, resulting in a few better weeks before he lets it slide again. So I really don't know what to do, and it really is killing my sex drive. So you could try stepping it up there, as well as a thorough dental cleaning.

5 years, 2 kids, DW has said although she still finds me attractive, she has no interest in me (but not all men) sexually. Marriage and kids aren't easy, but no physical changes here, still seem to get plenty of attention at the office. I already exercise and help out around the house. Does it ever come back? Some tales of hope would be greatly appreciated.