Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure I'm not the norm, but I'm fine with whatever people do. I don't take things personally. It's nice to get together, but we've all got to be flexible and not put unreasonable, rigid demands or expectations on each other or ourselves.

Communication can help, rather than either side assuming.

Will you be my mother in law?

It depends whether she's a rational soul or not.

My MIL is. My mother is NOT. My mother assumes that we will take every minute of our spare time and go do things with her, instead of DH's family. I still don't understand how that works out in her head.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the norm, but I'm fine with whatever people do. I don't take things personally. It's nice to get together, but we've all got to be flexible and not put unreasonable, rigid demands or expectations on each other or ourselves.

Communication can help, rather than either side assuming.

Anonymous wrote:DH is fine with staying home. He warned me that his mother is VERY much into the Holidays. They're already texting DH telling them the plans for Christmas. I want her to like me but it sounds so exhausting. They live 4 hours away.

Traveling with a newborn is not fun. This is the time when you need to focus on taking care of you and your baby.

Invite the in-laws to visit you. Do not put pressure on yourself to make a long trip with a newborn.

Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to expect a married son/daughter (or a son/daughter with children) to appear for EVERY holiday. At most, they can expect to see them on either Thanksgiving OR Christmas. Add a new baby to the mix, and you have more leeway.

But also, don't act like this is all your decision. What does your HUSBAND think about this? Remember him?

No, no, no. The person who gave birth to the newborn and is recovering gets to decide if they're up for traveling. No way is this the DH's call.

DH is fine with staying home. He warned me that his mother is VERY much into the Holidays. They're already texting DH telling them the plans for Christmas. I want her to like me but it sounds so exhausting. They live 4 hours away.

First year with a baby is totally your prerogative!

Sure, your MIL might be disappointed, but you need to care for your own needs. Thanksgiving traffic with a small infant sounds awful.

I try to see my parents weekly (don't end up but I have to see each separately so its more 1-2 times a month) and I do see my MIL in her nursing home about weekly, sometimes less.

As a step-MIL, we don't see or talk to my husband's kids. They will randomly email him when they want something, usually money so we have no expectations.

As a parent, I try to set a good example for my kids which includes making family a priority.

Can you host, cook sometime really simple or take out so it can be at your house?

No, would not bother me but we're not traditional holiday kinds of people. I hate stress, anyone stressing. No obligation.

We say we're cooking something if you want to come over, come when you want, if not, okay. You want us to make you some plates, come get it.

After years of anxiety about the holidays, we decided no more. We are laid back and relaxed. All holidays should be like that.

No one has a right to expect a married son/daughter (or a son/daughter with children) to appear for EVERY holiday. At most, they can expect to see them on either Thanksgiving OR Christmas. Add a new baby to the mix, and you have more leeway.

But also, don't act like this is all your decision. What does your HUSBAND think about this? Remember him?

This is going to depend entirely on the person.

My mom holds decade long grudges over missing a holiday. You can come the week before or the week after but if you aren't there for the actual day and do everything exactly how she wants it done, it doesn't count and she's pissed.

My MIL just wants to spend time together whether its that month or the next or just face time she isn't picky. In an ideal world if she had her pick she would love for it to be the actual day and have all the family together but she really is fine just seeing everyone at some point, some way.

Not a MIL, but I would not go!

With a newborn, the priority is taking care of baby AND your recovery. Practice sticking up for yourself. A lot of older people forget how hard the early months can be, but will be understanding if you approach it from a place of kindness.

Anonymous wrote:Do you expect your son/daughter on Thanksgiving and Christmas? Are you hurt if they don't come? I just had a baby and would rather stay home this year. My relationship with my MIL is fairly new and I'm worried it will make waves if I don't go. Also, if your adult children live near you, how often do.you expect to see them?

Not a MIL - but the year I had my third was in late October - we told everyone early on that we were staying at home. And that was the third baby when I had it down. Don't even feel guilty with the first one!

Most of the younger generation in my family do every other year. One year with the husband's family. One year with the wife's. I'd say about 75% of my family understand extenuating circumstances that make someone miss the holiday. Those 75% are sad to not have them but not angry. The other 25% get highly offended and take it personally. Lol

Which category do you think your in laws fall into? Could they connect with you guys another time? That's what I would offer.

Do you expect your son/daughter on Thanksgiving and Christmas? Are you hurt if they don't come? I just had a baby and would rather stay home this year. My relationship with my MIL is fairly new and I'm worried it will make waves if I don't go. Also, if your adult children live near you, how often do.you expect to see them?