I do tell my daughter that she can't say "Oh, I want to play with these three friends only and not you." If she would rather sit out than include a certain kid that is her choice. But, when kids are at school parents have limited power. I can force my kid to behave a certain way when I'm there, or tell her how I expect her to act when I'm not, but at school playground dynamics depend a lot on the teachers and school culture.

Here is my take on what happened: Your DD told friends that her mother forced her to give Mary a chance to play with them. They probably weren't very welcoming (which made Mary more shy). Then they "voted" probably around Mary and said she can't play with them. I think you need to talk to your daughter about how she would feel if she was Mary.

I would tell the other parent what you tried to loop her in so she can talk to Mary and get some help from the teacher. If you really want to teach your daughter a lesson you could do a 1-1 play date where she might actually find something in common with Mary, but this will probably stop once she gets back with her mean girl friends. It's sad, but girls and then later women like to exclude others.

Your daughter has an opportunity to make a big difference in Mary's life. She should tell the girls in her club to be nicer to Mary and that Mary is cool. she just needs time to warm up to everyone. Can your daughter specifically say why they aren't interested in Mary? Can she kindly communicate this to Mary as a helpful friend?

You might think it shouldn't be your child's "job" to deal with other kid's social struggles, and you might be right but my kid was Mary once and an amazing girl befriended her and made a huge difference in her life. And now my daughter is paying it forward with helping a struggling child in her grade.

Good luck.

Ok, so the club voting thing is not great, but I don't think OP's kid is a mean girl. I think she just doesn't connect with this particular kid. Presumably there are dozens of other kids that the other kid could play with, but she wants to be your daughter's friend for some reason. She's like those kids hanging around the fringes of the popular group in high school, trying to fit in, while ignoring the 200 other kids who might want to hang out.

Honestly, I don't want to hang out with just anyone. I have preferences when it comes to my friends. If I don't connect with you, I don't see the point in forcing it.

Now if every girl in the class (or soccer team or girl scout troop) was hanging and excluding her, there's a problem. But I don't see why we should force kids to be friends when they don't want to.

OP here. Ok, so maybe I can mention the club thing to the teacher and she can talk to the kids in general about not having clubs? Does that sound like a good idea? It sounds like a good idea in my head, but so did asking DD to ask Mary to join them in recess (and that didn't fare to well).

Whoa. That club thing is mean. I would not allow that. She needs to branch out. Does she have to do everything with these two other girls? You are setting them up - you, the parents - as an exclusive little group. Also, three is always a disaster number. At some point soon, because this is where this is headed, your daughter and one of the friends will gang up on the other, and it will go on in different patterns. I would break that cycle, now. And I am a girl's girl, who had sisters, and tons of girl friends - I know how this goes, I assure you.

Lol, I can see my DD being like Mary (not saying a word in the "club" -- she's likely VERY shy and takes time to become comfortable?).

Still, kids get a right to pick their own friends, so no you cannot force, BUT they should always be open to making new friends and having an inclusive spirit. the "more the merrier!"

Mary's mom should encourage her to play with kids who are more open to friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Club" is not nice. Not done by all girls - usually just the pre-mean girl types

Yes, club does not sound nice, I agree. But it seems like even if they are playing tag they don't like to play with Mary. Any suggestions on how to deal with this or if I should meddle out? Thanks!

Well, but this isn't nice either, is it? What's the harm in an extra kid playing tag? It's more effort to leave her out and tell her to go away then to just let her join. The only reason not to want let her play tag is to make Mary feel like shit.

I don't think you can or should force a friendship, but I believe it's your obligation as a parent to call your kids on this type of behavior.

My advice is to not force the friendship. Like I said before, I think it's a teacher/counselor issue.

Well Mary needs to learn how to stand up for herself and how to join in play. Although This exclusive club where members vote to let people join or not, sounds like a sorority and the girls are way to young to be that mean spirited. There is no harm in Mary following the "Club" around. Just tell your daughter to be nice to Mary and let her follow them around if she wants to. If the other mother brings it up again, just tell her nicely that you let Larla handle these ssituations on her own.

In our school, the kids aren't allowed to have clubs for this reason. If the teacher finds out, the kid gets sent to the counselor to talk about why "we" don't do clubs.

OP, your kid is a mean girl. I don't know. Of course you could just let her deal with her social issues if you want, as your mother suggests. I wouldn't do that. I would point out to her that her and her friends are mean and coach some kinder behavior.

No, they're not obligated to be friends with Mary. However, the "voting as a club" to vote her out is pro-actively mean.

Anonymous wrote:"Club" is not nice. Not done by all girls - usually just the pre-mean girl types

Yes, club does not sound nice, I agree. But it seems like even if they are playing tag they don't like to play with Mary. Any suggestions on how to deal with this or if I should meddle out? Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, two boys and a girl in ES. My daughter is in 3rd grade. A parent I know (just from school, not socially) came to me to tell me (in a very nice way!) that my daughter was excluding her daughter (let's call her Mary) in school and he daughter was very hurt by it. It was awkward. They have been in the same classroom for two years straight and the little girl is sweet and well behaved. My daughter has never been friends with this little girl. She has three best friends (similar sports, lots of playdates, all the parents know each other very well). She also talks about a few other girls in class, but never this particular little girl. I set a conference with the teacher to get her perspective. The teacher said DD was kind to everyone in the school, worked well with Mary, but that she didn't believe they were friends. I spoke to DD and she told me that Mary is nice, but that she doesn't like playing with her as much as she likes to play with her friends. She also mentioned her friends think she is annoying because she follows them around. So my heart broke for Mary. I told DD that she should speak up for Mary, that her friends will like her if they play with her. She came back from school and told me she asked Mary to join her in their "club". She said Mary didn't say a word the whole time and that they voted as a club that they didn't want Mary in. Did I make it worse for Mary by trying to help? I spoke with my mom and she was adamant that kids need to deal with their social issues (that she never got herself involved in mine). Sigh.

Oh no. Good intentions gone bad. Yes, you inadvertently made it worse for poor little Mary. I would not force the friendship. As long as your daughter is not being unkind and reamains friendly, that's all you should hope for. If Mary has no friends then that's where the teacher and/or counselor should step in.

"Club" is not nice. Not done by all girls - usually just the pre-mean girl types

I have three kids, two boys and a girl in ES. My daughter is in 3rd grade. A parent I know (just from school, not socially) came to me to tell me (in a very nice way!) that my daughter was excluding her daughter (let's call her Mary) in school and he daughter was very hurt by it. It was awkward. They have been in the same classroom for two years straight and the little girl is sweet and well behaved. My daughter has never been friends with this little girl. She has three best friends (similar sports, lots of playdates, all the parents know each other very well). She also talks about a few other girls in class, but never this particular little girl. I set a conference with the teacher to get her perspective. The teacher said DD was kind to everyone in the school, worked well with Mary, but that she didn't believe they were friends. I spoke to DD and she told me that Mary is nice, but that she doesn't like playing with her as much as she likes to play with her friends. She also mentioned her friends think she is annoying because she follows them around. So my heart broke for Mary. I told DD that she should speak up for Mary, that her friends will like her if they play with her. She came back from school and told me she asked Mary to join her in their "club". She said Mary didn't say a word the whole time and that they voted as a club that they didn't want Mary in. Did I make it worse for Mary by trying to help? I spoke with my mom and she was adamant that kids need to deal with their social issues (that she never got herself involved in mine). Sigh.