At 4, I kept dressing my kid.

We have a phrase we use in our house ... practice makes better.

My daughter is 6 and has motor planning challenges that impact her speech, fine motor, and gross motor skills. At age 4, it was mostly clothing and, occasionally, speech therapy that would trigger a meltdown. The meltdowns have continued, but now they're mostly handwriting related. At some point we realized that giving her deep pressure contact -- big squeeze hugs, squeezing her feet, weighted blanket, etc. -- calmed her down. This was a great discovery at age 4, but now at age 6 she still relies on us to help her get past a meltdown. I guess if I could do it all over again, I'd figure out a way for her to obtain some of that same comfort without relying solely on my husband and me.

When she's in a good mood (not meltdown time) we talk a lot about growth mindset/practice -- not that practice makes perfect but that it helps you make progress. I tell her stories about how practice has helped her -- like how she had to work for months to learn to say "mama" instead of just "ma" and I'm able to show her old speech practice sheets and now her handwriting journal from age 5 that shows her first attempts at capital letters. I tell stories of myself trying to learn how to drive, ice skate, etc., as well as things I never practiced and never learned (cartwheel, diving, etc.). And I'm constantly reminding her that making mistakes is how our brains learn.

I hope this isn't coming across as preachy. When her meltdowns really became a regular thing, I was desperate for suggestions, so I guess I'm just trying to share what I've collected. My husband and I ended up taking a parenting class and it was helpful (Dan Shapiro's Challenging Children class). We still refer back to it for guidance and ideas. My daughter is such an awesome kid and it is so sad to watch her get so frustrated. It has, though, gotten a little easier as she's gotten a little older. I wish you the best!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playing games like SORRY! is good. Lots of built in frustration but it's just a game. Make sure kid is playing with adults until you see if he can handle it.

4 probably isn't too young for Spot It or Spot It Jr. It's a quick turn around game so it's good for practicing losing because you can immediately start another game.

Ha. My son who has a very low tolerance for frustration was a genius at that game at 4. Kicked my butt every single time.

Anonymous wrote:Playing games like SORRY! is good. Lots of built in frustration but it's just a game. Make sure kid is playing with adults until you see if he can handle it.

4 probably isn't too young for Spot It or Spot It Jr. It's a quick turn around game so it's good for practicing losing because you can immediately start another game.

Beautiful Oops is a great book for that age.

I have a similar 1st grader. Lots of good strategies have already been suggested. Here are a few more we've used.

-do things where the kids are better than adults - I admit I have perfectionist tendencies myself so we had to get creative- in our case it was stuff like bubble blowing, clay building or stuff like that, I still routinely have trouble with my socks and my kids suggest I ask for help

-make sure you highlight when you mess up- oops, I spilled my water, oh well I can just clean it up/ make a plan to fix it

-praise the process instead of the outcome- there are lots of process oriented art projects online (my child's issues with this exacerbated fine motor delays since he compared his work to older sibling or examples)

-there is a good book called "beautiful oops" that is about turning mistakes into something new and good

Generally though for us it took time and a lot of praise every time he used his calm down tools (deep breathing, taking a break, asking for help)

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I do not miss those days! Speaking as a parent with a child like this, just know that it WILL get better. Here are the strategies I used:

"Walk away" -- I would tell him to walk away if he was screaming/crying in frustration and he would go up to his room and calm him down. (That's the good side of ASD -- following rules)

There were plenty of times where I just had to sit nearby and let him work through it. Like that time at a basketball practice where he spent a half hour insisting at the top of his lungs that I couldn't help him tie his shoe even though he'd only let us show him once before.

When he got a little older, we started adding the word "yet". "I can't. YET."

Three years ago, someone clued me into this TED talk on the Growth Mindset. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pN34FNbOKXc

I made him watch it ... a lot! Any time I got the "I can't", out came this link. Then it became a family joke and he now smiles and adds "yet" himself a few seconds after he says an "I can't"

Playing games like SORRY! is good. Lots of built in frustration but it's just a game. Make sure kid is playing with adults until you see if he can handle it.

It stinks b/c at some point kids realize that they're still going to have a hard time doing basic things no matter how hard they try or how much they practice.

With dressing and other tasks, independence is the best, however, when and where you need to modify clothing choices do so. My 7 year old can't do zippers to save his life so at this point, we do pull on pants.

In terms of art--try things that aren't meant to be "coloring inside the lines." Collages, water color, splatter painting, spin art, clay--can all be free form and still beautiful art.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have any tips to help young children overcome this? My 4 year old with motor skill delays (and possibly ADD) gets so frustrated and breaks into tears if she can't do something (like pull on her shirt or leggings) on the first try. She breaks down and sobs abd sometimes throws things and screams "I can't do it!" I hAvd tried modeling patience and deep breaths, just hugging her, telling her it takes practice and nothing is working. May just try giving her space and leaving her alone (big can't always do that in the mornings). It just makes me sad. Today she was sobbing because she "ruined" her coloring. Multiple times. I want to help her but don't want to make her more upset or tense.

I found reflecting his emotion helped my son. "You're so mad! Your socks keep bothering you!" "It's so frustrating when people don't understand what you're saying!" (DS had a speech delay that led to a lot of frustration on his part).

Does anyone have any tips to help young children overcome this? My 4 year old with motor skill delays (and possibly ADD) gets so frustrated and breaks into tears if she can't do something (like pull on her shirt or leggings) on the first try. She breaks down and sobs abd sometimes throws things and screams "I can't do it!" I hAvd tried modeling patience and deep breaths, just hugging her, telling her it takes practice and nothing is working. May just try giving her space and leaving her alone (big can't always do that in the mornings). It just makes me sad. Today she was sobbing because she "ruined" her coloring. Multiple times. I want to help her but don't want to make her more upset or tense.