For something so insignificant to be an issue, it would seem that it does bother you that you do not make their Halloween costumes.

Maybe she can't, but you shouldn't interpret every comment she makes as a judgment against you. So what? She asked what costumes are you buying? I would take it as a question not a judgment.

Just because something was an issue in the past does not mean it is the subtext for every conversation.

Just stop. Don't let it bother you. She raised kids in a different time. It was a lot easier to live on one income then. Comparing yourself to her and vice versa is apples to oranges.

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with OP because my mom was great mother when I was young and I thought that our great relationship would extend into adulthood. As she has aged my mother has developed a number of problems, largely of her own making, that have fundamentally altered her personality and made her into someone I don't enjoy spending time with. Although the new situation is no longer new I have no idea how to spend time with her. I actually dislike her; she is the antithesis of the person she raised me to be. It's very disconcerting to experience such a change in what was once a good relationship. I can't be a good daughter anymore because of her changed expectations of what she wants from the relationship.

Can you elaborate on what problems she created that altered her personality?

I sympathize with OP because my mom was great mother when I was young and I thought that our great relationship would extend into adulthood. As she has aged my mother has developed a number of problems, largely of her own making, that have fundamentally altered her personality and made her into someone I don't enjoy spending time with. Although the new situation is no longer new I have no idea how to spend time with her. I actually dislike her; she is the antithesis of the person she raised me to be. It's very disconcerting to experience such a change in what was once a good relationship. I can't be a good daughter anymore because of her changed expectations of what she wants from the relationship.

I'm not sure your mom is jealous or competitive. She might be truly concerned because she has a rigid view and can't understand how another way can be just as good. Or your choices may challenge her and she might not want to face it. Personally, I think both working and staying home are equally valid. But some people can dig in, and sometimes those people are our loved ones.

Seems to me you have choices here. You could decide to not let this bother you and willingly ignore. This likely will desensitize you and result in a more distant relationship. Or you could try to talk to her about how you appreciate her mothering as a child but you have taken another path (which is not changing) and her comments are hurtful. You would know better than me how she would react. You should take stock of what will be better for you overall. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

To the PP with the hoarder mom - I'm sorry for what you went through and hope you can heal, but it doesn't make OP's problems insignificant. Everything is relative. There's always someone worse off. My mom was / is pretty bad (massive emotional abuse, neglect, constant explicit threats of actual abandonment when I was a child, etc.), but I still know that the pain of a parental rift can be deep even if the actions aren't as extreme. And I know others have it worse.

Anonymous wrote:Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career...

I've heard a version of this comment every year for 10 years now! She constantly makes disapproving comments about my decision to work after having kids and it's gotten to the point that I barely want to talk with her. She was a wonderful, supportive mom throughout my childhood but her behavior to me as an adult is anything but. I don't know that we'll ever get past this.

My mother never got over me quitting my job and SAH. We can never win with our mother's expectations.

This has very little to do with you and a lot to do with her own emotional issues: She's competitive with you and threatened by you; she's worried that you're the better mother; she's worried your children love you more than you love her. Etc. "Lavishing care" doesn't mean she didn't or doesn't have significant emotional issues.

My own SAHM had a very difficult time separating out her identity from mine in ways that were harmful and it took therapy to repair the damage. When I went back to work after staying home when my older kids were young, she said a bunch of very mean and negative things. At first I took the bait and engaged and got upset, but then I realized that this was yet another manifestation of her own serious emotional issues, and I actively tried to start listening with compassion. I didn't engage or laugh or do anything that might indicate defensiveness. I just responded something like "I am glad you care so much about your grandchildren. Now I need to go get Larla at her piano lesson. Have a good evening." Wash, rinse, repeat.

Years later this is largely a non-issue. Occasionally her own insecurity and emotional issues pop up, but I respond the way that I would to a tantruming child (don't engage, acknowledge the feeling, move on), and it largely goes away. A few years ago she apologized for some of the unkind things she'd said (well, sort of, but close enough), and she has made a genuine effort with my kids, so I am glad I didn't overreact in ways I'd regret now.

Anonymous wrote:No advice but yeah. I don't even know why I care. My recent line has been, "OMG is my trust fund finally coming through?? Oh wait no? Then I'll continue the work of supporting my family."

I'll have to remember this one.

You know, my mother didn't have a career and she NEVER made my Halloween costumes. She also never had just-baked cookies for me to eat as I came home from school. She also never made my birthday cakes. They were from Carvel - just like I wanted them to be.

I wanted the cookies, but never wanted the costumes hand-made.

Everyone shows love in their own ways.

My mom never got why I wanted to be home. She is so angry at me for not working.

No advice but yeah. I don't even know why I care. My recent line has been, "OMG is my trust fund finally coming through?? Oh wait no? Then I'll continue the work of supporting my family."

Hmm - my mother can never get over the fact that I have more children than her, and that I'm more efficient and energetic, and that I take better care of them overall. The green eyed monster!

Your second to last sentence was really poignant. Can you find a way to say something similar to her (would have to find gentle words of course). Like, yes mom, you were wonderful to us and I'm so appreciative you were there when I was young but I am still your daughter and they way you speak to me now, about my choices, isn't being the kind of mother I think you've been so proud to be.

Tell her. Tell her she is ruining your wonderful childhood and the foundation of your relationship with these comments. Tell her that she is still your mother now, and you still need a supportive and loving mother NOW.

Just got off the phone with my mom who says - so what type of costumes will you be buying for the kids this year for Halloween? I have such memories of spending all of October sewing you and your siblings your costumes, but I suppose your kids will never get these expressions of a mother's love given your important career...

I've heard a version of this comment every year for 10 years now! She constantly makes disapproving comments about my decision to work after having kids and it's gotten to the point that I barely want to talk with her. She was a wonderful, supportive mom throughout my childhood but her behavior to me as an adult is anything but. I don't know that we'll ever get past this.