Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has been gone for a week. At first it was difficult, as we have 3 young children, and the extra set of hands is nice. but now I'm really enjoying the time away from him. No walking on eggshells, no bickering, no worrying about the kids annoying him, or trying to get him out of a bad mood. I feel peace and relief. He comes back Friday. I'm kind of dreading it.
This is not good.

I used to like it when he was gone too. A few times a year, a few days each time. Then I realized he was meeting someone in those trips...we are past that now and recovering but every trip is PTSD trigger for me

Why did you stay?

I stayed because I love him and our family. It didn't happen on every trip. It happened twice. I know that because I know when they met, and when the trips were. They are separated by an ocean, so it's not like they are ducking out on Tuesday nights. He knows he was wrong. We both were in a bad place in our marriage and acknowledge that. Both want to make it work and both have worked hard at it. I have made the decision to keep our family together and am working to rebuild trust. I don't know what the future holds but that strikes me as the best decision for now. I know many will disagree with me and that's OK. You never know how you will react until you are in that situation. I will say he has been very understanding and empathetic about future trips and that has helped.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has been gone for a week. At first it was difficult, as we have 3 young children, and the extra set of hands is nice. but now I'm really enjoying the time away from him. No walking on eggshells, no bickering, no worrying about the kids annoying him, or trying to get him out of a bad mood. I feel peace and relief. He comes back Friday. I'm kind of dreading it.
This is not good.

I used to like it when he was gone too. A few times a year, a few days each time. Then I realized he was meeting someone in those trips...we are past that now and recovering but every trip is PTSD trigger for me

Why did you stay?

I love when my wife is gone for a few days. So relaxing

Sometimes it takes pain relief for us to understand how much pain we are accustomed to living with. Give this some thought. You know it's not normal or healthy to feel you must scuttle around cleaning up and handling the kids and everything (especially if you both work at jobs), or that you must walk on eggshells to manage his moods or his dysfunctional ways of dumping on you.

Things need to change.

In my case, we still sigh and giggle with relief when he's out of the house because he's rather intense and needy. Lots of therapy and hard work on his part helped him change his attitudes (ingrained since childhood) that it's fine to make everyone a servant to your moods and issues. Meds helped with the darkest depression and irritability.

You don't have to live this way, but you both need to realize there's something wrong and be willing to work on changing it. If it meets his needs, and is the easiest course, he has no motivation to change. So you have to tell him it doesn't work for you.

DH travels 4 to 9 days a month, usually in 4 day chunks. It is easier, in the sense that I am the one in charge, kids are calmer because of that, but also I am totally focused on them and get more organized, plotting out how to get out the door, what we will eat, etc. And when they go to bed, I often take on a task that I've been meaning to do--cleaning out some drawers, cooking, bills, etc. When DH is around we are more free about things, I don't do much after kids in bed, which is a lesson that we need to be more organized but also its good to connect as a couple.
Anyway, its always nice for a few days, but then i am very relieved when he's back too--usually he gets back in time to put kids to bed, and i take a little time to myself and then we reconnect.

Funnily enough, DH does not find it more relaxing when I am gone--things are always somewhat chaotic and messy when I get back but at least everyone is alive and happy enough.

Anonymous wrote:My joy is the opposite. Yeah! I don't have to pick up his crap to see the kitchen table. Yeah! I can clean the kitchen and have it stay that way for more than an hour. Yeah I can make our bed and have no clothes on the floor!

This is me!

The big majority of women, and men, that has issues with their spouse such as described here so many times, YOU are the ones that set up the dynamics. YOU have allowed the other person to act, say and do what they do.

My wife is away and I feel the same. So relaxing...

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has been gone for a week. At first it was difficult, as we have 3 young children, and the extra set of hands is nice. but now I'm really enjoying the time away from him. No walking on eggshells, no bickering, no worrying about the kids annoying him, or trying to get him out of a bad mood. I feel peace and relief. He comes back Friday. I'm kind of dreading it.
This is not good.

I used to like it when he was gone too. A few times a year, a few days each time. Then I realized he was meeting someone in those trips...we are past that now and recovering but every trip is PTSD trigger for me

It is so much easier to be in charge for a week or two. Permanently it would be hard.

My joy is the opposite. Yeah! I don't have to pick up his crap to see the kitchen table. Yeah! I can clean the kitchen and have it stay that way for more than an hour. Yeah I can make our bed and have no clothes on the floor!

Another +1. I'm like "Yay! I don't have to be yelling at the kids to pick up all their crap in the 15 minutes between when I get home from work and when he gets home from work! I don't have to have the kitchen cooking all cleaned up before we sit down to dinner! I don't have to heard his criticism about how I'm taking too long to get the kids to bed." Only real downside is that I get freaked out when I hear random noises during the night. I often think that if I had a well-trained German Shepard, that would just be so much easier.

DH is traveling soon too. I'm excited. It's like a vacation of sorts.

Did I write this? I feel the exact same way when DH goes away.

My spouse has been gone for a week. At first it was difficult, as we have 3 young children, and the extra set of hands is nice. but now I'm really enjoying the time away from him. No walking on eggshells, no bickering, no worrying about the kids annoying him, or trying to get him out of a bad mood. I feel peace and relief. He comes back Friday. I'm kind of dreading it.
This is not good.