I'm sure there's love (and lust) but definitely some real love in affairs. But, if you're the type of person who's willing to swear undying love to another, then bail on them (whatever cool reason you want to use) to meet another, how can the new person ever trust you? To me, it's not a matter of love and working out, it's a matter of character. If you're willing to lie, sneak, and hide, then, I don't want to be your friend, let alone in love with you. I am more than sure some affairs results in a long life of love. But, just because it's a pile of roses today, doesn't mean the foundation wasn't already a pile of shit. You know? The person lied. And they hurt someone else who loved them, even if it is to be with you. Everything else is an excuse. My 2 cents.

From what I have seen, these relationships rarely last. Even when they do, they are not happy relationships. They're just trying to prove to the world that all the pain they caused was worth it because it's true love. But they're actually miserable. People who get involved in affairs are often troubled and/or disordered and it makes things that much harder. I'm sure it can work out, I just don't think it's common.

The classic scenario:

One married person promises they'll leave their spouse.
In response, the other married person leaves their spouse.
The still-married person strings them along for awhile and eventually says "so sorry, not leaving my spouse".
The person who got divorced crawls back to their ex.
Ex has moved on and does not take the cheating loser back.
Divorced cheater ends up alone and bitter.

Anonymous wrote:My DH left his ex for me. I wasn't really an AP in the normal sense. There was no deceit or sneaking around. He moved out before we started dating. They were separated, but still married. In hind site, I wish we had waited until the divorce was final. I think it would have been easier for her. The kids were too young to know the difference. They were 4 and 7. After we got married, they lived with us full time.

Did he leave his wife for you? Or he had already left her and then met you? You say there was no deceit but obviously there was immoral behavior (like, I don't know, getting involved with a man who is married? But he already left her! But wait, no, he left her for me actually!) You make no sense. If he were truly separated from his wife and had no possibility of reconciliation when you first got involved, you would not have posted on this thread. And "the kids were too young to know the difference"???? At 4 and 7?? Bitch, please. You call her bitter but at least she's not deluded. You broke up a marriage. Own it.

Tried. Didn't work. The magical excitement of the affair didn't translate into a post-divorce relationship. It's different when he's farting and leaving dirty clothes on the floor.

My mom is still with her AP 20 years later, but for all the wrong reasons. I think he is a loser, irresponsible and untrustworthy. I have no intention of ever accepting him as a family member. I think she stays with him because somehow in her mind, if they're happy together that means she didn't do anything bad. But of course that's not true and they aren't happy anyway. I wish we could leave it all in the past, but her continuing attempts to foist him and his loser children onto the family make that impossible.

Tl;DR: don't think time will help. If you take up with someone screwed up enough to have an affair, their screwed-upNess is going to cause further problems.

My DH left his ex for me. I wasn't really an AP in the normal sense. There was no deceit or sneaking around. He moved out before we started dating. They were separated, but still married. In hind site, I wish we had waited until the divorce was final. I think it would have been easier for her. The kids were too young to know the difference. They were 4 and 7. After we got married, they lived with us full time.

We are still married and have been for over 20 years. Kids are grown and gone. We are happy. Our kids are happy. My DH's ex is remarried, but still very bitter about the divorce. That bitterness has caused a lot of problems in her relationship with the kids. She pretty much bailed on them after my DH was awarded custody. She never paid child support, made no effort to exercise her visitation, didn't call them for months at a time. They are still resentful and don't have much of a relationship with her at all. They'll see her once or twice a year. That's an improvement over what it was a few years ago. I really wish that relationship was better. When the kids lived with us, I tried to encourage them to repair it. Once they left for college I stpped trying.

So, yes we are still married. Yes, we are happy. Yes, our kids (his, mine, and ours) are happy. My ex is happily remarried to a wonderful woman. The only one who never moved on is my DH's ex.

From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

Yes, married 10 years and 2 kids. I am very happy.

My BF married his OW, she left him 3 years later for another woman.

I haven't been there personally, but unfortunately I know a number of marriages that ended over affairs. Only one married the AP, and they divorced three years later.

My husband's ex left for her AP. They are still together. Its probably been about 15 years. She relies on him financially or I think she would have left long ago. She's not happy and the grass was not greener on the other side. They destroyed two families - hers and the AP. The kids are all messed up because of it. Its worked out great for me as I got a wonderful husband out of the deal.

No. My AP wasn't interested in divorcing his wife, so I started dating single men after my divorce.

Living the dream.

Did anyone here actually get divorced and married your AP? Or did your AP leave spouse and marry you? What is your life like now? Is it what you imagined it would be? Are you still together?