Just tell them, grow up and use your words. Otherwise, vote with your feet. Im not aound here for anybody to punish.

Anonymous wrote:How long do you tolerate this before you reach a breaking point?

My husband does this and the passive aggressive stuff. About every month I start to pick up that he is baiting me to get angry at his no responsiveness.

I have started saying the following: it seems like your angry about something. Come find me when you want to talk about it. Meanwhile I'll write Topic ABc on the board. Let's also find a time to discuss and decide in that this week.

And go about your stuff. Yes it is awkward because you are in the same house, may even have children about. But these such spouses are beyond selfish and immature. Look into how his parents modeled, or didn't, conflict resolution or emotions while he was growing up. Counseling could help both of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know everyone hates the silent treatment but for me sometimes I really need to not talk about whatever it is for awhile until I calm down and organize my thoughts. Otherwise I could say things I don't mean in anger

I don't think that's what OP's talking about. It's one thing to say, "Look, I need to cool down and give this some thought". It's another thing entirely to just cut someone off without them maybe even knowing why!

Not OP, but +1 to this. Taking a break is one thing, and best if you can say when you'll be back to reopen the discussion. Flouncing off in a snit is another.

Contrary to what a different PP said, I think this is less an example of "person w/o power" and more a power play. It's childish at best, and can be considered abusive if habitual (see also: stonewalling).

You either want to talk or you don't. I think either's probably fine, if you own it. It's when you actually want/need to talk and resolve the issue, but can't express yourself well enough to make your point clear, so you get flustered and quit w/o warning/explanation that it becomes a losing strategy. Or when you don't really care enough to be having the conversation in the first place, but lead someone on so you seem "nice" or "polite" and then quit before the conversation is resolved.

As for how long I can tolerate this, well, I was married to someone like this for a decade! But now that we're separated, I'd put this in the definite dealbreaker category, for reasons I just stated. This behavior tells me that the person I'm talking with isn't really interested in, or perhaps capable of, civil conversation. Being able to converse, even about tough things (or especially about tough things!), is a critical component of a healthy relationship. If the silent treatment is a common theme with your partner, I wouldn't waste much time tolerating it. People here suggest counseling, but I didn't find that helped my situation at all (as he'd just stonewall the counselors, too).

Anonymous wrote:I know everyone hates the silent treatment but for me sometimes I really need to not talk about whatever it is for awhile until I calm down and organize my thoughts. Otherwise I could say things I don't mean in anger

I don't think that's what OP's talking about. It's one thing to say, "Look, I need to cool down and give this some thought". It's another thing entirely to just cut someone off without them maybe even knowing why!

Anonymous wrote:Silent treatment is used by people with no power. Maybe take a look at the power dynamics in the relationship. Does each side get heard and share in the decision?

This is not always the case.

I know everyone hates the silent treatment but for me sometimes I really need to not talk about whatever it is for awhile until I calm down and organize my thoughts. Otherwise I could say things I don't mean in anger

Does the silent treatment work with 7 y o? If yes, how long?

Silent treatment is used by people with no power. Maybe take a look at the power dynamics in the relationship. Does each side get heard and share in the decision?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is abusive.

It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person who uses it wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

Essentially, the person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent.

Your partner is trying to shut you down.

There's no solution for it, because attempts to connect or redress reinforce the power of the silent partner.

All you can do is self talk, which includes, " my partner is choosing to punish me instead of deal with an issue. Whatever I've done, I'm not responsible for how my partner chooses to behave. I have no control over my partner's behavior."

Then go about your day. That gives you control back and limits the control attempt by the silent partner.

By the way, the silent partner has the emotional maturity of a five year old.

I dated a guy that pulled that crappie on me. I turned it around on him. I kept talking no stop. I would get home and great him and myself. Would have entire conversations about him while he sat there. Some not very flattering either. Made him crazy, he eventually cut it out. I let him know that if I wanted to deal with children I would work in a daycare.

Obviously this is no way to live. Get out if you can.

Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is abusive.

It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person who uses it wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

Essentially, the person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent.

Your partner is trying to shut you down.

There's no solution for it, because attempts to connect or redress reinforce the power of the silent partner.

All you can do is self talk, which includes, " my partner is choosing to punish me instead of deal with an issue. Whatever I've done, I'm not responsible for how my partner chooses to behave. I have no control over my partner's behavior."

Then go about your day. That gives you control back and limits the control attempt by the silent partner.

By the way, the silent partner has the emotional maturity of a five year old.

I dated a guy that pulled that crappie on me. I turned it around on him. I kept talking no stop. I would get home and great him and myself. Would have entire conversations about him while he sat there. Some not very flattering either. Made him crazy, he eventually cut it out. I let him know that if I wanted to deal with children I would work in a daycare.

The silent treatment is abusive.

It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person who uses it wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

Essentially, the person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent.

Your partner is trying to shut you down.

There's no solution for it, because attempts to connect or redress reinforce the power of the silent partner.

All you can do is self talk, which includes, " my partner is choosing to punish me instead of deal with an issue. Whatever I've done, I'm not responsible for how my partner chooses to behave. I have no control over my partner's behavior."

Then go about your day. That gives you control back and limits the control attempt by the silent partner.

By the way, the silent partner has the emotional maturity of a five year old.

Anonymous wrote:I just enjoy it for as long as it lasts

Lol.

I just enjoy it for as long as it lasts

Is it 100% silent or just avoiding the issue?

How long do you tolerate this before you reach a breaking point?