Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 15:15     Subject: Re:Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
This is schizophrenia. I am sorry, but you must protect yourself and your kids. Get you and kids to a safe place and then work on logistics of divorce. You can do it.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 15:13     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
I think you should think about 2 things- physical vs legal custody.

In your case, i'd definitely go with full legal custody (or at least tie breaking authority in case of disagreement). What if he decides the dentist is against him too and wants to plant electronics in the kids teeth? You want to be in a place where you can decide on their medical treatments, schooling, religion, etc without his ability to stop you or derail. Pitch it to him as him not having to worry about signing papers or forms or all the little things that bother him.

Physical custody an be handled differently. Joint physical custody, if you're comfortable with it, can happen. There is a range - decide what you're comfortable with and go from there.

But Legal custody, that should be non negotiable (or at least tie breaking authority, which basically means after trying to reach agreement with him in a reasonable way you still get to decide).
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 14:55     Subject: Re:Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
Anonymous wrote:He's safeish now, but this will throw him over the edge. Sounds like a classic schizophrenic. Good luck getting him to even see a doctor. It's highly likely that doctors are part of the grand conspiracy.

It is irresponsible at best for anyone - even a psychiatrist - to throw around diagnoses based on the very few details OP offered. Actually, schizophrenia in the very vast majority of cases manifests itself between the ages of 18-24, so unless OP's husband is extremely young, he probably does not suffer from schizophrenia. Many mental illnesses can cause a person to exhibit paranoid behavior.


I know a woman who was dx schizophrenic at age 50. She was normal until about 48 and slowly slipped into complete insanity between 48 and 50.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 13:22     Subject: Re:Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
He's safeish now, but this will throw him over the edge. Sounds like a classic schizophrenic. Good luck getting him to even see a doctor. It's highly likely that doctors are part of the grand conspiracy.

It is irresponsible at best for anyone - even a psychiatrist - to throw around diagnoses based on the very few details OP offered. Actually, schizophrenia in the very vast majority of cases manifests itself between the ages of 18-24, so unless OP's husband is extremely young, he probably does not suffer from schizophrenia. Many mental illnesses can cause a person to exhibit paranoid behavior.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 11:42     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
He's safeish now, but this will throw him over the edge. Sounds like a classic schizophrenic. Good luck getting him to even see a doctor. It's highly likely that doctors are part of the grand conspiracy.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 11:39     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
Anonymous wrote:I thought, unless it was clearly documented and provable that this person is off their medication and a threat, that mental illness does not disqualify you from custody?

And has he been diagnosed with a mental illness? Or just acting paranoid? What are you going to present to the court to substantiate that?



This is OP, he has not been diagnosed and thus is not on any medication etc. You make a good point about him being a "threat" and that is what I am struggling with morally as he has not been a threat to my or the kids or himself. But others advise me that he may become a threat when I leave him.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 11:32     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
I thought, unless it was clearly documented and provable that this person is off their medication and a threat, that mental illness does not disqualify you from custody?

And has he been diagnosed with a mental illness? Or just acting paranoid? What are you going to present to the court to substantiate that?
ThatBetch
Post 09/06/2016 11:15     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
Anonymous wrote:
ThatBetch wrote:You say you'd feel devastated if he did this to you, but you have no guarantee he won't do this (or worse). What if his paranoia gets the better of him and he disappears with your kids "to keep them safe from The Man"? Mental instability is a major red flag, and this level of disconnect with reality is a safety issue. Unless there is some legitimacy to his claims (unlikely, but this is DC and the Clintons apparently off people all the time ), he is tuned to a totally different frequency than you and most normal people. Who knows that he's hearing/thinking, or what that broadcast may tell him to do. You aren't obligated to stick around to find out, and you definitely shouldn't leave your kids exposed to that influence. Think about it: if your babysitter/nanny were saying these things, you'd fire him/her so fast they'd be halfway home before they realized what hit 'em!

You have a job to do: protect your kids. This isn't about hurting your husband; it's not about his feelings at all. It's about protecting your children. Do your job. Get somewhere safe, with your kids, and then do what you can to help your spouse get the help he needs.

I don't envy your position. My ex is off his meds/rocker at the moment, so I understand how heartbreaking this can be. But don't let your love for him make you lose focus. Your kids need someone sane and stable at the helm right now. Do what you need to do to protect them and yourself.


Thank you PP! This is pretty much the message I get from everybody. But what about if I take the kids tomorrow and then he shows up at their school the next day and takes them? How can I protect them from possible drama and upheaval?


Contact an attorney, the police, your counselor, your doctor... Contact the family justice center in your area. Get a TRO, if you need one. Get an emergency custody order, pending litigation. I don't know where you are, or what the specifics are, so I don't know how best to help you, but one of those sources will. Do your best to document husband's behavior (seems you've already gone "on the record" with several people to do this already, which will help).

You may need to take time off work and keep the kids out of school until you get this dialed in. Where I am, the school must release the child to either parent unless there's a custody order saying otherwise. This is inconvenient, but that's a small price to pay for safety.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 11:00     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
ThatBetch wrote:You say you'd feel devastated if he did this to you, but you have no guarantee he won't do this (or worse). What if his paranoia gets the better of him and he disappears with your kids "to keep them safe from The Man"? Mental instability is a major red flag, and this level of disconnect with reality is a safety issue. Unless there is some legitimacy to his claims (unlikely, but this is DC and the Clintons apparently off people all the time ), he is tuned to a totally different frequency than you and most normal people. Who knows that he's hearing/thinking, or what that broadcast may tell him to do. You aren't obligated to stick around to find out, and you definitely shouldn't leave your kids exposed to that influence. Think about it: if your babysitter/nanny were saying these things, you'd fire him/her so fast they'd be halfway home before they realized what hit 'em!

You have a job to do: protect your kids. This isn't about hurting your husband; it's not about his feelings at all. It's about protecting your children. Do your job. Get somewhere safe, with your kids, and then do what you can to help your spouse get the help he needs.

I don't envy your position. My ex is off his meds/rocker at the moment, so I understand how heartbreaking this can be. But don't let your love for him make you lose focus. Your kids need someone sane and stable at the helm right now. Do what you need to do to protect them and yourself.


Thank you PP! This is pretty much the message I get from everybody. But what about if I take the kids tomorrow and then he shows up at their school the next day and takes them? How can I protect them from possible drama and upheaval?
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 10:52     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
Why are they advising full custody of he's been a good father? It just might help to understand more.

I allied myself with my ex sister in law to help her get custody of her kids. My brother is mentally ill. But he's emotionally abusive and at times dangerous (DWIs, suicide attempts, etc.). Also has substance abuse issues. Do the therapists think your husband will abduct the kids or something?
ThatBetch
Post 09/06/2016 10:51     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
You say you'd feel devastated if he did this to you, but you have no guarantee he won't do this (or worse). What if his paranoia gets the better of him and he disappears with your kids "to keep them safe from The Man"? Mental instability is a major red flag, and this level of disconnect with reality is a safety issue. Unless there is some legitimacy to his claims (unlikely, but this is DC and the Clintons apparently off people all the time ), he is tuned to a totally different frequency than you and most normal people. Who knows that he's hearing/thinking, or what that broadcast may tell him to do. You aren't obligated to stick around to find out, and you definitely shouldn't leave your kids exposed to that influence. Think about it: if your babysitter/nanny were saying these things, you'd fire him/her so fast they'd be halfway home before they realized what hit 'em!

You have a job to do: protect your kids. This isn't about hurting your husband; it's not about his feelings at all. It's about protecting your children. Do your job. Get somewhere safe, with your kids, and then do what you can to help your spouse get the help he needs.

I don't envy your position. My ex is off his meds/rocker at the moment, so I understand how heartbreaking this can be. But don't let your love for him make you lose focus. Your kids need someone sane and stable at the helm right now. Do what you need to do to protect them and yourself.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 10:45     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
You have to protect the children first.

If you can document his illness, he will probably get supervised visitation. The supervisor could be a grandparent, which might allow him to still have them overnight.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 10:39     Subject: Re:Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
Hi Op, no direct advice but just wanted to send you a hug. This sounds like a really hard situation. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and that you need to make sure your children are protected.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 10:14     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
I think what you're looking for is supervised visitation.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2016 10:13     Subject: Separating from mentally ill spouse - what about the kids
My husband believes that the government and other entities have conspired against him to destroy his life and work. This original idea has spiraled into behavior were he can be very unpredictable and I have developed typical symptoms of a stress disorder in response. He is not willing to accept that he has a problem or that he needs help. Instead, he believes that I have become part of the conspiracy albeit against my will (I am being forced to participate). He has not been violent towards me or anybody else.

I cannot be with him anymore and am taking steps to leave. The problem is our 2 children. He has always been a good father and loves them dearly. Every person (friends, therapist, psychiatrist, lawyer) that I have spoken to about my situation has told me that I need to take the kids with me and seek at least temporary full legal and physical custody. My heart is fighting against this advice because I would be devastated if he did this to me, the kids love him and will not understand this, and I fear it would destroy him. I also know that he would fight this but don't know to what extent.

Maybe people on here have experience with this and can pass on their thoughts? I would really appreciate it!