Thank you for the advice. The girl is my best friend from college, she is also my bridesmaid. I dropped by her place a few weeks ago to drop off something wedding related for her when her long term bf started saying some things (not realizing I was visiting in the kitchen) that seemed very condescending. She rolled her eyes and ignored him while we continued our convo and I felt bad for intruding so I left quickly.

Last weekend we set up a brunch date with three couples, but one had to back out so it was just my fiancée, her, and her bf. She went to the restroom and to our surprise her he started making really rude comments about her. We don't know the bf that well beyond the few times we have seen them together for group events.

This week she told me she thinks he's about to propose to her soon and she isn't sure if she should accept or tell him she would like to date longer, they've been together for 2 years. She asked what I thought ... This afternoon we had a coffee date and I told her (before reading all the responses here) that I felt like he has a tendency to be emotionally abusive toward her, she defended him by claiming his work has been stressful.

I looked up emotional abuse, and I sent her a site link. I think until she sees it for herself and label it there's not much more I can do.

Holy shit, what 18:16 said. I tried to make it work for so, so long. I tried to fix myself in therapy for years, got on antidepressants. It took being shown that abuse and power wheel by two different therapists, and having it named as abuse, that finally got the wheels turning in my head.

There are loads of websites that define and give lists of behaviors that are emotionally abusive. It took me reading and rereading them to finally accept I was in such a situation, even though it was obvious. We want to think we're too smart, too strong, to get caught up with someone abusive. Maybe you can think of an indirect way to get your friend looking at these online lists.

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:You don't have to wait for some sort of formal Notice of Abuse to tell your friend that you're concerned.

I was abused (emotionally, physically, financially, psychologically...) by my almost-ex husband. We're separated now. Honestly? If you'd told me "Hey, I think you may be being abused." or "That kind of manipulative headgame is abusive" I would've tried to defend my husband.

It would've been more helpful, for me at least, to have somebody say "You know, I've noticed you seem really edgy lately." Or "I haven't seen you around much lately. Everything okay?" or "You seem really stressed. What's up?" Then, when the truth of "well, my husband..." came out, rather than label his behavior as all-caps ABUSE!!!, say something like "That seems to be really troubling you. What can we do about it?"

Point being that many abused people will fight the label, which is counterproductive. But if you see patterns of behavior, that's not really something you can argue about.

Ultimately, it matters far less whether your friend is being "emotionally abused" or not, and far more whether or not she can thrive happily in this relationship.

Ditch the labels and focus on the problem(s) would be my advice.

Honestly, treating abuse like a relationship problem that had to be solved kept me in the relationship way longer. I felt like I had to "work on things" or "give it a chance.". I thought it wasn't abusive because I wasn't physically being hit. For ME, it would have been really helpful to label the behavior as abusive.

+1. Most people don't think of "emotional abuse" as "abuse". Don't dwell on the label, but saying, "That's not an acceptable way to treat someone, its not your fault he said those things" could get around the label and validate their feelings more than asking how the problem could be solved. Also, if you are able make sure that your friend knows that they can call you anytime, no questions asked.

I second the hotline recommendation. They can help you figure out how best to help - they are not there just for DV victims, but also for family and friends who want to help.

I put up with it. I let him do it because I loved him. I thought it would stop eventually. It did stop- after three long, agonizing months of him emotionally and mentally torturing me. It stopped when he finally left. I didn't want him to, but he did. So I don't know if you could say I survived it, because I still am damaged by it and still want to be with him despite what he did. I did try to leave a few times but he pulled me back to him and I thought it would change.

You just have to leave. It'll hurt and it'll be hell, but everyone says eventually it'll get better.

Responses are all over the map here because OP hasn't given us enough information to elicit an intelligent answer.

I know it isn't ever easy to see a good friend endure an abusive relationship, but I am quite sure she is a full-fledged adult now & can figure everything out on her own eventually.

I wouldn't get too involved in her love life since it can affect the dynamics of your friendship entirely.

ThatBetch wrote:You don't have to wait for some sort of formal Notice of Abuse to tell your friend that you're concerned.

I was abused (emotionally, physically, financially, psychologically...) by my almost-ex husband. We're separated now. Honestly? If you'd told me "Hey, I think you may be being abused." or "That kind of manipulative headgame is abusive" I would've tried to defend my husband.

It would've been more helpful, for me at least, to have somebody say "You know, I've noticed you seem really edgy lately." Or "I haven't seen you around much lately. Everything okay?" or "You seem really stressed. What's up?" Then, when the truth of "well, my husband..." came out, rather than label his behavior as all-caps ABUSE!!!, say something like "That seems to be really troubling you. What can we do about it?"

Point being that many abused people will fight the label, which is counterproductive. But if you see patterns of behavior, that's not really something you can argue about.

Ultimately, it matters far less whether your friend is being "emotionally abused" or not, and far more whether or not she can thrive happily in this relationship.

Ditch the labels and focus on the problem(s) would be my advice.

Honestly, treating abuse like a relatiknship problem that had to be solved kept me in the relationship way longer. I felt like I had to "work on things" or "give it a chance.". I thought it wasn't abusive because I wasn't physically being hit. For ME, it would have been really helpful to label the behavior as abusive.

The power and control wheel does a good job defining different types of abuse. http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

You an also call the DV Hotline yourself to get advice. 800-799-7233

You don't have to wait for some sort of formal Notice of Abuse to tell your friend that you're concerned.

I was abused (emotionally, physically, financially, psychologically...) by my almost-ex husband. We're separated now. Honestly? If you'd told me "Hey, I think you may be being abused." or "That kind of manipulative headgame is abusive" I would've tried to defend my husband.

It would've been more helpful, for me at least, to have somebody say "You know, I've noticed you seem really edgy lately." Or "I haven't seen you around much lately. Everything okay?" or "You seem really stressed. What's up?" Then, when the truth of "well, my husband..." came out, rather than label his behavior as all-caps ABUSE!!!, say something like "That seems to be really troubling you. What can we do about it?"

Point being that many abused people will fight the label, which is counterproductive. But if you see patterns of behavior, that's not really something you can argue about.

Ultimately, it matters far less whether your friend is being "emotionally abused" or not, and far more whether or not she can thrive happily in this relationship.

Ditch the labels and focus on the problem(s) would be my advice.

My boyfriend would play games with my mind. He'd mess with me. Constantly accusing me of cheating or being shady, when really it was him. He'd ignore me for days at a time, giving me the cold shoulder and then all of the sudden act like nothing was wrong. He was emotionally damaging me. I was constantly anxious and worried.

loveisrespect.org is a great resource.


I was emotionally abused. What would have been helpful to me is if people labelled it, when I described it. Some friends and family I told sympathized with me, but it would have been more helpful to say, "that's abusive. No one deserves to be treated like that." Label it concretely -- it's very emotionally abusive when John yells at you about dinner. No one should be talked to like that.

Anonymous wrote:More helpful if you "paint a picture" of what your friend's relationship looks like, tbh. Also, not your business.

If her friend is being abused, she should definitely try to help. Would you say the same thing if it were physical abuse?

OP, emotional abuse takes a lot of forms. In some cases it's by being incredibly controlling. Sometimes it's name calling and insults. There are other variations too. In this, I agree with PP, might be helpful to describe what's going on.

More helpful if you "paint a picture" of what your friend's relationship looks like, tbh. Also, not your business.

Can someone paint a picture of what this looks like? I'm trying to decide to intervene or not with a good friends relationship.

How did you survive it or did you leave?