Anonymous wrote:Wait? Hearing about your DH's abuse is so difficult for you that you don't want to go to counseling with him? And, you never thought about working with a counselor to learn how to deal with your own emotional regulation issues that prevent you from supporting your spouse through such a difficult time? What a freakin drama queen you are. I can't imagine being with such an unsupportive person who can't stop thinking about themselves. Talk about self-centered.

I think that many people who have a traumatic background, particularly those of us who go on to become high functioning adults, seek out partners who avoid emotionally dark places. It can feel much safer as someone who has been abused to have a partner who keeps it light (or even shallow) and doesn't ask a lot of questions. I know that was the case with me and my now ex-spouse. It's not a healthy dynamic, but you can't put all the blame on the partner who is now asked to come up with all these emotional resources that she simply might not have.

Guys, don't invalidate how OP feels. If she feels she can't handle taking part in her husband's therapy, it's very good that she recognizes that. She needs to see a therapist alone to work on this.

It will hurt her husband to see her falling apart, all wrapped up in her own feelings in a therapy session that's supposed to be helping him. Let her prepare herself.

If it turns out she can't handle dealing with her husband's abuse, it suggests she has her own serious issues she needs to be working on. And that's not a criticism, it's about recognizing one's strengths and what one still needs to work on, which will be good for them both.

Anonymous wrote:Wait? Hearing about your DH's abuse is so difficult for you that you don't want to go to counseling with him? And, you never thought about working with a counselor to learn how to deal with your own emotional regulation issues that prevent you from supporting your spouse through such a difficult time? What a freakin drama queen you are. I can't imagine being with such an unsupportive person who can't stop thinking about themselves. Talk about self-centered.

You probably don't realize that a person can dissociated while sharing this information and it is not smart or healthy to have somebody dissociate with somebody that is not trained to deal with that type of situation.

Do you understand dissociation? Would you know what to do while somebody is dissociating?

Wait? Hearing about your DH's abuse is so difficult for you that you don't want to go to counseling with him? And, you never thought about working with a counselor to learn how to deal with your own emotional regulation issues that prevent you from supporting your spouse through such a difficult time? What a freakin drama queen you are. I can't imagine being with such an unsupportive person who can't stop thinking about themselves. Talk about self-centered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the therapist first and express your feelings.

My H is in therapy for abuse and we never discuss details of the abuse. We discuss his behavior and how to support the change in his behavior.

For example, he is controlling. I understand now why he is controlling. I have been given ways of bring to his attention and he is learning to not get angry when I won't let him control me.

Thank you this advice is actually helpful.

I am happy that my post was helpful.

There is very little research on men who were abused and almost no support for their wives.

I just read allies in healing, https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834 it was a little helpful. I skimmed through the unhelpful parts.

Hugs, we are pretty alone in our situation.

'When a man you love was abused' by cecil murphey is a great book. It's religiously slanted but I read it anyways - there's so few good books on the subject.

I second the calling his therapist in advance. Tell her what you wrote here. I also think get one of your own. I saw one for months where I basically just unloaded everything going on with my spouse. She helped me take care of me too. Take care of yourself OP. You also don't need to know all the details to be supportive. You can choose and adjust how and when you listen to him. It's a lot to take in.

Anonymous wrote:Ask to go to an individual session with that therapist in advance of the one they'll bring you in on with your husband. You can talk to the therapist then about your concerns and ask him or her to respect your sensitivities.

You sound like you need your own therapist to help you with this issue, and it should not be your husband's therapist. Don't be afraid to get help.

Ignore those who are trying to make you feel guilty. Take this posters advice that I have put in bold. I would suspect that your husband would be understanding about your concerns and ability to handle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the therapist first and express your feelings.

My H is in therapy for abuse and we never discuss details of the abuse. We discuss his behavior and how to support the change in his behavior.

For example, he is controlling. I understand now why he is controlling. I have been given ways of bring to his attention and he is learning to not get angry when I won't let him control me.

Thank you this advice is actually helpful.

I am happy that my post was helpful.

There is very little research on men who were abused and almost no support for their wives.

I just read allies in healing, https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834 it was a little helpful. I skimmed through the unhelpful parts.

Hugs, we are pretty alone in our situation.

Anonymous wrote:Call the therapist first and express your feelings.

My H is in therapy for abuse and we never discuss details of the abuse. We discuss his behavior and how to support the change in his behavior.

For example, he is controlling. I understand now why he is controlling. I have been given ways of bring to his attention and he is learning to not get angry when I won't let him control me.

Thank you this advice is actually helpful.

I have discussed the abuse issues in individual and couples therapy with my DH. My DH was in tears hearing about some of it but he never avoided it (that I know of) because he needed to understand how it has affected my relationships and why I react to some things. As hard as it is for him to hear, it's even harder to talk about. It's like ripping the scab off a wound too soon and it starts bleeding again.

Having someone like you around who is too tender to 'deal' with it is like salt in the wound. I can't imagine how your DH can work through this with a partner like you. It's appalling and I really feel sorry for him. My DH never looked forward to the sessions and it's hard for him when I talk about it now but I know I can talk to him about it. You suck.

Call the therapist first and express your feelings.

My H is in therapy for abuse and we never discuss details of the abuse. We discuss his behavior and how to support the change in his behavior.

For example, he is controlling. I understand now why he is controlling. I have been given ways of bring to his attention and he is learning to not get angry when I won't let him control me.

Ask to go to an individual session with that therapist in advance of the one they'll bring you in on with your husband. You can talk to the therapist then about your concerns and ask him or her to respect your sensitivities.

You sound like you need your own therapist to help you with this issue, and it should not be your husband's therapist. Don't be afraid to get help.

If hearing the details of the struggles of someone you love is such a struggle for you, perhaps you should consider some counseling for yourself first?

Sounds like you have some pretty permeable boundaries, and are kinda self-absorbed.

I want to go and be supportive. The problem is I cannot deal, hearing the little I know about was a huge struggle.

Anyway, I wanted advice from those who have btdt with a spouse not to be judged and shamed by dcum's perfect wife.

um, that IS horribly selfish? your husband needs something from you... go, and deal.

Husband has been going to a therapist for a few months for issues surrounding child abuse. I've been invited to join. I want to be supportive, but at the same time don't want to hear any more details, the little I know is upsetting to me, and don't think I can handle any more knowledge. Don't know how to say this without seeming horribly selfish.