Anonymous
08/21/2016 11:37
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Op, please don't try to become close.
Some people are concerned that sharing/closeness may be harder to manage. She needs to get along for the long term.
Accept it. Find friends for yourself elsewhere.
Some people are concerned that sharing/closeness may be harder to manage. She needs to get along for the long term.
Accept it. Find friends for yourself elsewhere.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 09:51
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Most women form their closest friendships years before they meet and marry their spouse. I like my SIL a lot. She's wonderful. We get along very well. And it's nice to have her in my life as someone who knows a lot about my husband and his family and their traditions and "ways," if I ever need a quick bit of perspective or advice on navigating their waters.
But my first phone call when I need a girlfriend or a confidante is always going to be my sister, my cousins, my best friend from growing up, my super-close college friends, my super-close roommates in the DC area from back in the day...they know me really well. Those are close bonds, some of those are life-long relationships. SIL is great, but she's not "inner circle," and she can't be becasue I don't want to "muddy the family waters" if I ever need to vent about her brother, mother, father, the way they do things in their family, their "stuff," etc.
You get along...that's great! That may be all she wants or needs. Your expectations/hopes for this relationship are only HALF of the equation, OP.
But my first phone call when I need a girlfriend or a confidante is always going to be my sister, my cousins, my best friend from growing up, my super-close college friends, my super-close roommates in the DC area from back in the day...they know me really well. Those are close bonds, some of those are life-long relationships. SIL is great, but she's not "inner circle," and she can't be becasue I don't want to "muddy the family waters" if I ever need to vent about her brother, mother, father, the way they do things in their family, their "stuff," etc.
You get along...that's great! That may be all she wants or needs. Your expectations/hopes for this relationship are only HALF of the equation, OP.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 09:45
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect. His mother used to thank me, because he only started calling her after we started dating and I ask how his family was doing.
Well, you have enabled him in this immature and selfish behavior. But don't blame his sister for lack of closeness.
Plus, what do you want, her innermost soul? She's kind and friendly to you.
I never understand why people on this forum (or anywhere) have to be so nasty. If a poster doesn't like her ILs, she gets crap for not being nice, but if a poster is honestly asking how to be closer to her ILs, then she gets a response like this one. There are just some miserable cows who stalk this forum looking for places to insert their snide and unhelpful nastiness.
The common thread is that in both situations people are advising against trying to force other people to fit the mold you have in your head. In this case, it sounds like OP has a specific definition of what she thinks a "close relationship" should look like. She wants lots of sharing of personal feelings. What she is not recognizing is that her husband's entire family does not seem to prone to sharing. Being a private person is OK. It sounds like your sister in law's version of being close is simply spending time together pleasantly. She doesn't need to tell you about her feelings, and she's willing to listen to yours but does not need to hear about it. If you can learn to experience closeness in a way other than your preferred version , Then you will have a close relationship. If you need a different kind of closeness, then you need to find a different kind of friend. Your sister-in-law is who she is.
This!
In my case I don't want to share personal things with my brother's wife. She's a very nice woman and maybe that's judgmental or whatever of me, but the fact that she's married to my brother puts her outside of that inner circle for me. When I want to share deeply woman to woman I go to my best friends or my sisters.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 09:42
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect.
Like brother, like sister? Maybe that's just how they are socially.
Yes, but the man is given the permission slip of "oh, he's just bad at relationships, so I pick up the slack for him--oh well, LOL," but the woman needs to be "managed/pressured/coaxed" into being closer and sharing her feelings, etc.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 09:38
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect.
Like brother, like sister? Maybe that's just how they are socially.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 09:31
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect. His mother used to thank me, because he only started calling her after we started dating and I ask how his family was doing.
Well, you have enabled him in this immature and selfish behavior. But don't blame his sister for lack of closeness.
Plus, what do you want, her innermost soul? She's kind and friendly to you.
I never understand why people on this forum (or anywhere) have to be so nasty. If a poster doesn't like her ILs, she gets crap for not being nice, but if a poster is honestly asking how to be closer to her ILs, then she gets a response like this one. There are just some miserable cows who stalk this forum looking for places to insert their snide and unhelpful nastiness.
The common thread is that in both situations people are advising against trying to force other people to fit the mold you have in your head. In this case, it sounds like OP has a specific definition of what she thinks a "close relationship" should look like. She wants lots of sharing of personal feelings. What she is not recognizing is that her husband's entire family does not seem to prone to sharing. Being a private person is OK. It sounds like your sister in law's version of being close is simply spending time together pleasantly. She doesn't need to tell you about her feelings, and she's willing to listen to yours but does not need to hear about it. If you can learn to experience closeness in a way other than your preferred version , Then you will have a close relationship. If you need a different kind of closeness, then you need to find a different kind of friend. Your sister-in-law is who she is.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 09:23
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:I like my SIL. We are close in age and have known one another for 10+ years. We see eachother maybe 7-10 times a year, have been on a couple of family vacations together. However, after all this time I don't feel like we've become "close". Something we both said we desired when I married into the family. She is nice to me, effusive to my DC. She had her first baby this past year, I thought the pregnancy would be our chance to bond, as it has been with many of my friends. She was kind of overly matter of fact and not interested in discussing it. Towards the end I was invited to feel the baby kick. Baby was born, we showed up within the first week, have seen them three times in 3 months (we live a bit of a long drive away.) We don't get photos or updates unless i ask.
How do i move this relationship along at this point? I am more of a sharer in general, and so it is how I reach out to people, but mostly I feel like she listens politely when I try, and doesn't really reciprocate. Very occasionally I've heard more indepth thoughts from her, but I kind of feel like i still don't know her at all.
I don't mean to be rude OP, but you sound a little overbearing. Well meaning but possibly a little overwhelming in your interactions and expectations.
What exactly do you want from her? A built in best friend? She may not want that from you as you are married to her brother.
She's nice to you and your child, maybe you can let that be enough.
Just curious do you have sisters?
Anonymous
08/21/2016 09:13
Subject: Re:Forming a better relationship with SIL
The new baby is a great way to build family closeness.
As the Auntie, you can show your love for the child and that will lead to a stronger, closer relationship.
Now you have motherhood in common and your children are first cousins, lots of bonding opportunities there.
As the young, single aunt many years ago, I was devoted to my niece and nephew which led to a very strong bond with my SIL (bother's wife) which continues to this day (the kids are in college now). My SIL still tells me "you are the best aunt" and has told me how much she appreciates how much I love her kids. And now that I have kids, she loves them.
As the Auntie, you can show your love for the child and that will lead to a stronger, closer relationship.
Now you have motherhood in common and your children are first cousins, lots of bonding opportunities there.
As the young, single aunt many years ago, I was devoted to my niece and nephew which led to a very strong bond with my SIL (bother's wife) which continues to this day (the kids are in college now). My SIL still tells me "you are the best aunt" and has told me how much she appreciates how much I love her kids. And now that I have kids, she loves them.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 09:07
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect. His mother used to thank me, because he only started calling her after we started dating and I ask how his family was doing.
Well, you have enabled him in this immature and selfish behavior. But don't blame his sister for lack of closeness.
Plus, what do you want, her innermost soul? She's kind and friendly to you.
I never understand why people on this forum (or anywhere) have to be so nasty. If a poster doesn't like her ILs, she gets crap for not being nice, but if a poster is honestly asking how to be closer to her ILs, then she gets a response like this one. There are just some miserable cows who stalk this forum looking for places to insert their snide and unhelpful nastiness.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:18
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect. His mother used to thank me, because he only started calling her after we started dating and I ask how his family was doing.
Well, you have enabled him in this immature and selfish behavior. But don't blame his sister for lack of closeness.
Plus, what do you want, her innermost soul? She's kind and friendly to you.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:08
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect. His mother used to thank me, because he only started calling her after we started dating and I ask how his family was doing.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:07
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
It does sound fine. You can't push closeness. All you can do is try to spend more time together and ask for time with her kids and your kids together to have a cousin bond.
And yes let her settle in. Everyone loves a baby, be there for her and offer got spend time with her when she has a rambunctious 3 year old that no one wants in their house.
And yes let her settle in. Everyone loves a baby, be there for her and offer got spend time with her when she has a rambunctious 3 year old that no one wants in their house.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:04
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:It sounds fine. You get along, and see each other, and get updates. Just chill a bit. Let her settle into motherhood.
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
And not every preggo woman wants hands on her belly!!!
OP: I agree! I was using it as an example of what felt like a gesture on her side and an example of I don't think the issue is about her not liking me.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:00
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
It sounds fine. You get along, and see each other, and get updates. Just chill a bit. Let her settle into motherhood.
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
And not every preggo woman wants hands on her belly!!!
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
And not every preggo woman wants hands on her belly!!!
Anonymous
08/20/2016 08:51
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
I like my SIL. We are close in age and have known one another for 10+ years. We see eachother maybe 7-10 times a year, have been on a couple of family vacations together. However, after all this time I don't feel like we've become "close". Something we both said we desired when I married into the family. She is nice to me, effusive to my DC. She had her first baby this past year, I thought the pregnancy would be our chance to bond, as it has been with many of my friends. She was kind of overly matter of fact and not interested in discussing it. Towards the end I was invited to feel the baby kick. Baby was born, we showed up within the first week, have seen them three times in 3 months (we live a bit of a long drive away.) We don't get photos or updates unless i ask.
How do i move this relationship along at this point? I am more of a sharer in general, and so it is how I reach out to people, but mostly I feel like she listens politely when I try, and doesn't really reciprocate. Very occasionally I've heard more indepth thoughts from her, but I kind of feel like i still don't know her at all.
How do i move this relationship along at this point? I am more of a sharer in general, and so it is how I reach out to people, but mostly I feel like she listens politely when I try, and doesn't really reciprocate. Very occasionally I've heard more indepth thoughts from her, but I kind of feel like i still don't know her at all.