Skip every other visit (or two out of three). Let DH be in charge and decide how often he wants to go. Switch off him taking just one kid at a time to give you one in one time with the other.

You don't need to be nearly so involved, and that is the only thing that will help at this point.

MIL problems are spouse problems. Full stop.

If she doesn't treat you well but your family has to see her every week, that's a spouse problem. If she conveys that she wants her son back and he doesn't shut that down every single time, that's a spouse problem. If a third party who doesn't live with you is a problem in your marriage, it's a marriage problem.

Either you and your husband are united in unfaltering loyalty to the marriage or you're not.

Two choices: get him to right the ship or suck it up. Just realize that she's only doing as much as she can get away with (which doesn't seem like all that much).

my MIL sounds a lot like yours - no friends, no spouse, very needy. The difference is that she lives a plane flight away. Oh, and my husband is her only child, so our family is all she has in the world.

This became a much bigger issue when we had kids - and I am part of the problem. I am a bit controlling and don't like to compromise time with my parents and siblings, so MIL tends to join our gatherings. But it is what it is. We have dealt with this by mostly having her come for short visits, 4 nights max, a few times a year and my husband brings our kids - or some combo of them - to visit her twice a year for several days.

I have 3 sons and I will do everything in my power to make sure that I don't put this kind of strain on my kids.

Hugs, OP. That sounds like a challenge. My MIL is a picky eater and a gourmet cook. She stays with us about once a month to visit the grandchildren. I cannot tell you how many meals I've planned, shopped for, and specifically prepared for her only to have her say something rude and push it away. And then we spend money on takeout to appease her.

Anonymous wrote:Okay, just dislike your mil and be done with it. Stop trying to pile on every flaw she has. I find it sad when people focus on the flaws instead of on the good things about people.

But go ahead and keep on hating and being inside your head and being miserable that she exists. Because that's what you're going to do anyway instead of trying to see the good and focus on that, which would just make everyone happy

Why do you people troll this forums just to say mean shit to people? F off.

Okay. I do like my MIL, however she's been living with us all summer so some of her quirks are getting to me.

The biggest one is that she washes her underwear in the shower. We do a load of laundry every other day, and I have incorporated her laundry in without issue. Still she keeps up this habit. My teenage sons share a bathroom with her and are completely grossed out. I don't understand it.

I go between laughing and being totally disgusted, depending on my mood.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL actively roots for the demise of my marriage. She wants her son back. When he divorced his first wife, she talked to him by phone for at least an hour every night. She loved it. Never mind that he was lonely and miserable. He was hers. Now her daughter is divorcing and she is SO gleeful it is disgusting. Her daughter has actually invited MIL to come live with her (and pay her rent, clean her house, and do most of the child care) and my SIL'a doormat ex seems to be going along with the idea that every other weekend visitation is the best he can get. MIL is thrilled. "[Granddaughter] won't need to see her dad. She will have me!" She honestly thinks she can replace her granddaughter's dad.

My DH is sad that his mother is giving up her life to be a maid, babysitter, and servant for his sister, and that she's moving 5 hours away. I'm just glad to get space from her. Sad for how she will warp my niece, but the farther away she is from my child and my marriage, the better.

OP here. My MIL was thrilled when one of DH's siblings got divorced. She could barely contain her excitement. My husband noticed, and she lost a lot of trust in his eyes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Edit - no family except for her other children and us, who all live in DC. She has completely alienated her other siblings (who are scattered around the country) and her own parents, who live in another state, and are in their 90s and still very much alive - they just never see their daughter. Lord help me with her superior genetics.

Where are your DH's siblings in this equation?

They are all local. We all do the best we can (the occasional dinner, trying to help her when she asks for it). But everyone is busy with life in their own ways - kids, travel, demanding jobs. You know, like normal families.

Anonymous wrote:

But go ahead and keep on hating and being inside your head and being miserable that she exists. Because that's what you're going to do anyway instead of trying to see the good and focus on that, which would just make everyone happy

No, she'll never be happy. The problem isn't in me. She is the one who has spent her life alienating people.

My MIL actively roots for the demise of my marriage. She wants her son back. When he divorced his first wife, she talked to him by phone for at least an hour every night. She loved it. Never mind that he was lonely and miserable. He was hers. Now her daughter is divorcing and she is SO gleeful it is disgusting. Her daughter has actually invited MIL to come live with her (and pay her rent, clean her house, and do most of the child care) and my SIL'a doormat ex seems to be going along with the idea that every other weekend visitation is the best he can get. MIL is thrilled. "[Granddaughter] won't need to see her dad. She will have me!" She honestly thinks she can replace her granddaughter's dad.

My DH is sad that his mother is giving up her life to be a maid, babysitter, and servant for his sister, and that she's moving 5 hours away. I'm just glad to get space from her. Sad for how she will warp my niece, but the farther away she is from my child and my marriage, the better.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Edit - no family except for her other children and us, who all live in DC. She has completely alienated her other siblings (who are scattered around the country) and her own parents, who live in another state, and are in their 90s and still very much alive - they just never see their daughter. Lord help me with her superior genetics.

Where are your DH's siblings in this equation?

Okay, just dislike your mil and be done with it. Stop trying to pile on every flaw she has. I find it sad when people focus on the flaws instead of on the good things about people.

But go ahead and keep on hating and being inside your head and being miserable that she exists. Because that's what you're going to do anyway instead of trying to see the good and focus on that, which would just make everyone happy

OP here. Edit - no family except for her other children and us, who all live in DC. She has completely alienated her other siblings (who are scattered around the country) and her own parents, who live in another state, and are in their 90s and still very much alive - they just never see their daughter. Lord help me with her superior genetics.

Blah blah blah blah blah. What a set of non problems.

... By telling me horror stories of yours. My MIL is a piece of work, and is probably the only major issue in our marriage. I don't think she'll actually be happy in life unless I give her back her son (and also give her my children while I'm at it, to dote on her and give her the attention she craves). We see her every week, and it's never enough for her (every time she sees us, she tells us it's been 'forever' since she last saw us.) She's constanly concocting reasons why we need to get together more, of excuses why my husband needs to go over there to help her with something (that tactic used to work a lot more before, but my husband has caught on). She has no real friends (she talks $ht about all her friends), no husband, no pets, no job (she is comfortably retired), no family except for us. She has made sure to tell me that I'm the lucky one in the family because I married into the family. She probably would have been a great MIL if she just learned to keep her mouth shut, but the older she gets, the more she can't control it. She is a thorn in my life. Fortunately, my kids still love her and get excited about going to her place. I know the day will come where she turns them away too, like she's done with her many other grandkids (by peppering them with completely inappropriate questions that are none of her business and making them feel guilty for not visiting her.) I don't understand how she raised such a wonderful man in my husband. It's like a strange math equation that has no answer.