Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I have been in a sexless marriage for 3+ years. Really it has been longer but I always rationalized and made excuses for the her during the time prior so I would count it as 3 years. In the past few weeks I have pretty much just given up and don't really have any interest in my wife, sexually or otherwise. I am not mad at my wife, I don't blame her or think she is being a bitch or anything so not trying to be vindictive or feeling victimized, but in the past few weeks I just don't really care that much about her. I still love her and value her but what I mean is I don't really have anything to say to her, I don't really care about how her day at work was etc. I sat downstairs and watched tv while she was upstairs for the first time in like 5 years, I just didn't feel like spending my time with her. She asked what is wrong but of course like all other people in a sexless marriage I can't really tell her becuase she will break down crying and do the usual I am not being a good wife that she has always done when we have talked about our sex life in the past. So it really tough because I am clearly behaving differently but I can't really tell her why. I just say everything is fine and that I am tired but honestly I just don't really feel like being around her, not because I am mad but it almost feels awkward for me.

To head off some of the responses. We have an otherwise good marriage from what I can tell. I am a good husband, work hard, do my share of house and child care, bring her flowers, try to make her happy the best way that I can. We don't really fight and overall get along well. I have put on a few lbs since we started dating but no more than 10 so not like I fell apart completely. Really the bottom line is I turned 40 and she didn't do anything that I would have liked to celebrate it. We went to a nice restaurant, which was great but not what I would have chosen to do and then we came home and went to sleep. I had let her know previously (and she would have known in no uncertain terms) that the thing that she could really do to celebrate my 40th would be to have a night where she was an active participant in our sex life and that we could have a night where we were not just two people that lived together. I guess when that didn't happen it pretty much just snapped the last chord I had tethered to her as a wife, not a roommate. I also realized in hindsight that 80% of our marriage was me driving it. Date nights, trying to make her happy etc. When I took a step back I realized she really doesn't do anything related to our marriage at all. She works and does a lot so not suggesting she lazy or doesn't do anything, she works very hard and I respect that, but when it comes to the energy of the marriage and such it has all been me, and after my birthday I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore.

The goal of this post is not really about the sexless marriage, it is looking for strategies that some others in my shoes may have used to try to stay engaged and relatively happy in the marriage without the sex. I know the focus on yourself and make yourself happy stuff and I do that for the most part. Just wondering if you have strategies for how you manage regular interactions with your spouse if you feel like I do, which I assume there are others that do. Really I just don't feel like doing anything with my wife. I feel like she is just kind of there. I have kids so I won't divorce or cheat etc.

Advice appreciated!

Divorce or be a good husband in a sexless marriage (that means caring about her day, wanting to spend time with her). Don't think you're doing your kids a favor by being this new "you" around your kids.

My parents were in a sexless marriage and I wish they'd divorced!!! Food for thought. So sorry. What you are feeling is natural.

Anonymous wrote:To be clear... she doesn't do anything for you. (Leave the no sex part out.) You are saying she does nothing for you or with you?

Anonymous wrote:What is her reason for never having sex?

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I have been in a sexless marriage for 3+ years. Really it has been longer but I always rationalized and made excuses for the her during the time prior so I would count it as 3 years. In the past few weeks I have pretty much just given up and don't really have any interest in my wife, sexually or otherwise. I am not mad at my wife, I don't blame her or think she is being a bitch or anything so not trying to be vindictive or feeling victimized, but in the past few weeks I just don't really care that much about her. I still love her and value her but what I mean is I don't really have anything to say to her, I don't really care about how her day at work was etc. I sat downstairs and watched tv while she was upstairs for the first time in like 5 years, I just didn't feel like spending my time with her. She asked what is wrong but of course like all other people in a sexless marriage I can't really tell her becuase she will break down crying and do the usual I am not being a good wife that she has always done when we have talked about our sex life in the past. So it really tough because I am clearly behaving differently but I can't really tell her why. I just say everything is fine and that I am tired but honestly I just don't really feel like being around her, not because I am mad but it almost feels awkward for me.

To head off some of the responses. We have an otherwise good marriage from what I can tell. I am a good husband, work hard, do my share of house and child care, bring her flowers, try to make her happy the best way that I can. We don't really fight and overall get along well. I have put on a few lbs since we started dating but no more than 10 so not like I fell apart completely. Really the bottom line is I turned 40 and she didn't do anything that I would have liked to celebrate it. We went to a nice restaurant, which was great but not what I would have chosen to do and then we came home and went to sleep. I had let her know previously (and she would have known in no uncertain terms) that the thing that she could really do to celebrate my 40th would be to have a night where she was an active participant in our sex life and that we could have a night where we were not just two people that lived together. I guess when that didn't happen it pretty much just snapped the last chord I had tethered to her as a wife, not a roommate. I also realized in hindsight that 80% of our marriage was me driving it. Date nights, trying to make her happy etc. When I took a step back I realized she really doesn't do anything related to our marriage at all. She works and does a lot so not suggesting she lazy or doesn't do anything, she works very hard and I respect that, but when it comes to the energy of the marriage and such it has all been me, and after my birthday I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore.

The goal of this post is not really about the sexless marriage, it is looking for strategies that some others in my shoes may have used to try to stay engaged and relatively happy in the marriage without the sex. I know the focus on yourself and make yourself happy stuff and I do that for the most part. Just wondering if you have strategies for how you manage regular interactions with your spouse if you feel like I do, which I assume there are others that do. Really I just don't feel like doing anything with my wife. I feel like she is just kind of there. I have kids so I won't divorce or cheat etc.

Advice appreciated!

Anonymous wrote:What is her reason for never having sex?

Anonymous wrote:Um, have you suggested marriage counseling? If she refuses then at least you should go see a counselor. You shouldn't have to live this way. I feel like if you've given up then you're going to eventually look for sex outside the marriage, even though you say you won't cheat. Never say never.