Anonymous wrote:I agree that moving her is absurd. It also has little to do with how irresponsible she was with money. It really makes no difference how close she is, the dementia will continue to take her further from you. Unless you've witnessed first hand the devastating effects of dementia, you have little idea of how devastating it is. My FIL had it as did my DH's uncle. The last 5 years of my DH's uncle's life, I had to avoid seeing him because every time I did, he'd go into a rage. He was convinced I had stolen his brother's car, sold all of his belongings and was stealing his money. His brother (DH's father) was dead and since DH is an only child, DH inherited everything. I was driving FIL's car because 1) he was dead and didn't need it and 2) it was better than mine (but not as nice as DH's). I also helped clean out his house (DH's childhood home). He couldn't remember his brother was dead but he sure did remember me with his brother's stuff!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anger is part of the dementia. She doesn't fully understand what is going on and is very confused. It will get worse. My MIL was always very good to me and when she moved here with the dementia, I got the brunt of it. It was terrible. Honestly, its easier managing things if she is closer but then you will feel obligated to visit, at least a few times a month, if not more. Its been a lot of work between the visits, arguing with the nursing home, managing everything but I couldn't do it from that distance. Even if your uncle was POA and payee, it wouldn't make a difference. They usually target the person closest to them and just remember dementia does horrible things to the mind.

Moving her is a big issue. We did it from cross country. Originally we were told she could not fly and were going to get a private train booth so she would not be overwhelmed with people and my husband transport her (it would have taken days). Luckily she could fly and we had friends in the area she came from to help so it was manageable. If you are going to do it, you need to do it sooner than later but finding a nursing home will be near impossible. At least in MD, you have to get her into a nursing home bed (medicaid pending), then apply for medicaid. I could not find a bed, like I said, till months after she was here as they all want her a Maryland resident. I had to get her an ID, change over social security and all that, etc.

Can you have your husband take over some of the day-to-day? For some reason since she isn't my mom, I handle it a lot better than my husband does.

PS. Most of the people on my MIL unit are angry. If you had to live like they do bored, doing nothing all day with terrible food, 2 showers a week, how would you feel?

OP here. The problem is she cannot stay with us until I find a place for her. She needs round the clock nursing assistance. She has to be in a nursing home facility due to her physical state. My house is even remotely accessible for her. I currently do not argue with the nursing home she is in. They provide excellent care and it is actually very nice, which is why she and my dad selected it years ago.

I think at this stage of the game, I honestly cannot move her. After reading your post and the previous post, the thought of moving her has become absurd.

Thank you for replying!

Anonymous wrote:I agree that moving her is absurd. It also has little to do with how irresponsible she was with money. It really makes no difference how close she is, the dementia will continue to take her further from you. Unless you've witnessed first hand the devastating effects of dementia, you have little idea of how devastating it is. My FIL had it as did my DH's uncle. The last 5 years of my DH's uncle's life, I had to avoid seeing him because every time I did, he'd go into a rage. He was convinced I had stolen his brother's car, sold all of his belongings and was stealing his money. His brother (DH's father) was dead and since DH is an only child, DH inherited everything. I was driving FIL's car because 1) he was dead and didn't need it and 2) it was better than mine (but not as nice as DH's). I also helped clean out his house (DH's childhood home). He couldn't remember his brother was dead but he sure did remember me with his brother's stuff!

Anonymous wrote:The anger is part of the dementia. She doesn't fully understand what is going on and is very confused. It will get worse. My MIL was always very good to me and when she moved here with the dementia, I got the brunt of it. It was terrible. Honestly, its easier managing things if she is closer but then you will feel obligated to visit, at least a few times a month, if not more. Its been a lot of work between the visits, arguing with the nursing home, managing everything but I couldn't do it from that distance. Even if your uncle was POA and payee, it wouldn't make a difference. They usually target the person closest to them and just remember dementia does horrible things to the mind.

Moving her is a big issue. We did it from cross country. Originally we were told she could not fly and were going to get a private train booth so she would not be overwhelmed with people and my husband transport her (it would have taken days). Luckily she could fly and we had friends in the area she came from to help so it was manageable. If you are going to do it, you need to do it sooner than later but finding a nursing home will be near impossible. At least in MD, you have to get her into a nursing home bed (medicaid pending), then apply for medicaid. I could not find a bed, like I said, till months after she was here as they all want her a Maryland resident. I had to get her an ID, change over social security and all that, etc.

Can you have your husband take over some of the day-to-day? For some reason since she isn't my mom, I handle it a lot better than my husband does.

PS. Most of the people on my MIL unit are angry. If you had to live like they do bored, doing nothing all day with terrible food, 2 showers a week, how would you feel?

Anonymous wrote:It would be very hard to find a nursing home that will take medicaid pending and is decent. We moved my MIL here and then found a nursing home. It took about 8 months (she lived with us) and it was an absolute nightmare. Finally we found one to take her that was supposed to be top rated and we've had nothing but issues. It does help so we can be actively involved.

My MIL gets $77 a month (I get her SS check and have to send in all but $77 - I think it is 77 about that much). Her only expenses are clothing, shoes, dental and a few other things. We supplement a little but by our choice. I buy a lot of clothing and bedding because the nursing home destroys it or loses it. But, I buy on clearance and in bulk and hold on to it till she needs it (i.e. $10 jeans, $3-4-5 tee shirts), so I can make that money stretch. Medicaid will sometimes reimburse for dental and other medical not covered by medicaid buy you have to prepay and then it is deducted another month out of the money you send to the nursing home.

Call around and see if you can find a nursing home. Since she is on medicaid, they may be willing to do medicaid pending. It takes up to 90 days to get the paperwork through, normally just due to lazy workers. So, during that time the nursing home is not getting paid. We have been on waitlists for several years. A year ago, I reapplied to move her and no one would take her. They mostly want them out of the hospital under medicare and then transfer to medicaid. Medicare has a higher pay rate and during that time you can get transferred to medicaid.

Its possible, but very difficult. It is best to have someone nearby to advocate for her, especially as the dementia progresses.

And, if you do not have POA, then at some point be prepared to go to court to get legal guardianship. The nursing home we were at would not accept my husband's POA. Also, become the rep. payee for social security and have them out a note on the account that it cannot be changed without your consent. (often the nursing home will take the check and then not spend the remaining amount on the individual).