So painful! We grow up loving our parents and its difficult to harden our hearts when we realize as adults what they are really like.

When I finally set limits with my unpleasant and mean father (for me and my children, as you are doing) and let him know that we loved him but would no longer tolerate his comments, he shrugged and basically walked out of our lives.

Very sad. I have come to realize he is incapable of relating to us (for whatever reason) in any meaningful way. What a loss for all of us.

We are all so much better now.

Anonymous wrote:I'd walk out (with your son) if your dad becomes verbally abusive. Every time.

+1 My father was also verbally abusive. I started walking away and then told him if you don't stop saying these hurtful, cruel things, you wont be part of my life any more. Eventually, I stopped all contact. I wish things could have been different but at some point, I just had to say enough and walk away so I could protect myself.

Only way out is to stand up to him. Counter his negative comments with positive ones so DC hears the good message, not just his opinion. If he blows up, remove yourself and your child. He has gotten away with this unchallenged for years. It's going to take some warnings, bloops, and threats followed through to see IF he can change. I think it's important to point out when he's being a bully and ask him for the respect other adults deserve. If he won't do it you have to stick to your guns that you won't stand by and watch. In a calmer moment you have to explain that you are working hard to teach your child to be respectful, curb agressive outbursts, not offend with his opinion, etc and that DC looks to him to model behavior and he's not.

Tough situation.

I understand he's a great role model in many ways.
I would keep the status quo for as long as possible, honestly, until you get to the point where you absolutely have to distance yourself, if ever you need to do that.

Why? Because your children are not you, and children are more intelligent than we give them credit for. My mother says terrible things and my children have known from the very beginning just how far to believe and trust her. It's uncanny how they can appreciate her good side, yet dismiss those of her remarks that are shocking. I'm the one most affected by her, probably because I grew up with her as my mother, and there was no buffer between us.

You are the buffer, and your children will never suffer the way you did.

I'm starting to think many people (particularly men) are abusive to some extent. You can't totally shield your son from people. He has to learn the different types of people out there and how to deal with them.

The fact that your heart is breaking is -- well, you don't have the luxury -- to think it's important. Stop dwelling on your loss and your feelings. You need to protect your son. You know what's right, now do it. Always be able to leave (without drama) if your Dad's behavior is not acceptable. Do not leave your son alone with Dad. Don't expect Dad to change.

I think we may have the same dad. Normally, I adore my dad despite his faults, but I'm beginning to realize he takes my love for granted.

Anonymous wrote:I'm Jewish but not at all religious and this thread is just sickening. If all you anti-semites on here read some post about a Christian's MIL signing her grandkids up for athiesm camp behind their parents' backs, you'd be appalled.

Schwoops! wrong thread.

I'm Jewish but not at all religious and this thread is just sickening. If all you anti-semites on here read some post about a Christian's MIL signing her grandkids up for athiesm camp behind their parents' backs, you'd be appalled.

Therapy. Next!!

I'd walk out (with your son) if your dad becomes verbally abusive. Every time.

I get that you love your father, but if he's abusive I think you should limit your son's contact.

Ouch! Advice is cheap and cheap advice could hurt you. You might want to get professional advice from a family therapist. You seem to be a good person in a pretty good place and don't need bad advice.

I don't know what to do about my relationship with my father. I'm at a loss for how to move forward. I would probably just tolerate things the way they are if I weren't a mother. But I struggle with letting my son be around his grandfather, who I feel has some serious cruelty issues. My ex-husband is out of the picture. And even though I'm dating someone amazing, my father is really the main male figure in my son's life right now (at least until I get more comfortable with the new guy being around more often...so far, so good).

To put it bluntly, my father is a bit of an asshole. He's successful, charismatic and handsome, extremely intelligent and basically has a great life. I learned a lot from him. So in those respects, he's a good role model. Many things are very easy for him...but being kind and empathetic is not one of them. He has a tendency to turn on those closest to him, talk down to them, yell and say terrible things, point out their weaknesses, make accusations, etc. A small disagreement can quickly unravel into an all-out shouting match with him.

For years, I was resigned to these things. I genuinely love him as any daughter would love her father. But now that I have a little boy to think about, I find myself hesitating when Dad invites us places or asks to get together. There have been a couple of these blowups in front of my son and they upset him a lot. But he still loves his grandfather and asks about him all the time.

This is breaking my heart. My father is verbally abusive and I would never want my boy to learn these behaviors or think it's okay. But I also don't want to cut my dad out completely. It would be painful for all of us. Advice, anyone?