My husband and his ex co parent well. No idea what's going on on her end but my husband just focuses only on his child. He doesn't concern himself with anything she does- where she works, where she goes, what she spends money on, who she hangs out with, how she handles xyz. He just doesn't care, it's her life and not his anymore. I think for people who don't feel that or refuse to accept it, coparenting can be harder because there's this constant undertone of control there.

Let go of the idea you have any say over 90% of what your ex chooses to do is the secret I think. If the kids are safe and happy, it's fine. Let him live his new life his way and yours your way. The two are no longer intertwined in a way that you need to know details or have say so over many of its aspects.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you got divorced, there is definitely hurt and anger on both sides. Understandable. But if you have a decent relationship with your ex - maybe not friends but at least respectful because together you did bring someone into this world, how did this scenario develop? Did you bury some of the bad feelings at some point?

I am interested as well. But perhaps you need to say what you mean by good? Just conflict free or best friends ?

OP: not friends because of all the water under the bridge, but receptive to both of you supporting the kid(s), changing schedules if an emergency comes up, and generally being cooperative when it comes to doing the best possible parenting under the circumstances.

My brother and his ex have one of the best coparenting relationships I've ever seen. They truly put their daughter first. One of them is scheduled to have her but she gets a party invite? Kid goes to party. One of them has a schedule change at work? The other steps up to help more. She has her but I'm having a party? She brings kid to my house for party. I could go on and on.

It's quite impressive but they just shove their egos to the side and both think about what is most beneficial for their daughter. I do think it helps that they mediated their own decree, live pretty close to each other, and there's no child support involved (50/50). I know my brother bringing my niece home in mismatched or too small clothes has got to piss her off, but she just laughs it off. She's remarried and my brother is truly happy that his daughter has another figure in her life who loves her. He never took it as a challenge, just as a benefit to the kid. I'm proud of those two.

I would think that very few men would want their daughter partially raised by another guy. Is your brother remarried?

I think the most important thing is to avoid complicated situations. My ex married a younger woman and had two more kids, and she also had one already. So that is just a lot of kids. He is overwhelmed financially, emotionally, and logistically. I resent that he doesn't pull his weight as a parent and expects that I will pick up the slack for his choice to have more children than he can manage. So I pretend we are friends but really it's a very frustrating situation. I am married too but no additional kids, because it would have been just too much.

You will not have a good relationship unless both people are making responsible choices and doing their share. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you got divorced, there is definitely hurt and anger on both sides. Understandable. But if you have a decent relationship with your ex - maybe not friends but at least respectful because together you did bring someone into this world, how did this scenario develop? Did you bury some of the bad feelings at some point?

I am interested as well. But perhaps you need to say what you mean by good? Just conflict free or best friends ?

OP: not friends because of all the water under the bridge, but receptive to both of you supporting the kid(s), changing schedules if an emergency comes up, and generally being cooperative when it comes to doing the best possible parenting under the circumstances.

My brother and his ex have one of the best coparenting relationships I've ever seen. They truly put their daughter first. One of them is scheduled to have her but she gets a party invite? Kid goes to party. One of them has a schedule change at work? The other steps up to help more. She has her but I'm having a party? She brings kid to my house for party. I could go on and on.

It's quite impressive but they just shove their egos to the side and both think about what is most beneficial for their daughter. I do think it helps that they mediated their own decree, live pretty close to each other, and there's no child support involved (50/50). I know my brother bringing my niece home in mismatched or too small clothes has got to piss her off, but she just laughs it off. She's remarried and my brother is truly happy that his daughter has another figure in her life who loves her. He never took it as a challenge, just as a benefit to the kid. I'm proud of those two.

Honestly, it only got better when my DH remarried someone who is a nice stepmother and well-organized. He just cannot manage adult life on his own and he was constantly dropping the ball on childcare matters. We really couldn't be friends while he was not doing a good job as a parent. Now that I'm not constantly inconvenienced by his disorgamization, life is a lot easier. So ithere wasn't burying bad feelings, it was a change in his behavior (sort of). Honestly, I think people who talk about burying bad feelings are just hoping to get away with treating others badly. The passage of time wouldn't have changed anything, he was an inconsiderate incompetent ass on an ongoing basis until he found another woman to pick up his slack.

We got drunk together and wrote out rules for ourselves/each other and a schedule for the kids. Stuck to it ever since.

When my ex is flaky or absent or Monday-morning-quarterbacks my decisions about things, I remind myself that this behavior is one of the reasons I am not married to him anymore. I try to focus on (and help him to focus on) the things that he's good at. He's not good at being involved with her school life, but he's great at taking her hiking on the weekend.

We have a calendar where we put anything of importance to DD's life like her doctor's appointments or times when the other will be out of town (with or without her). We keep an open line of communication if she wants to talk, but we're not "friends."

I think too-high expectations are the problem. My ex DW always wants to do more together and pretend were best friends. She likes to put up the facade of a perfect divoice because she's embarrassed. But I would rather just keep it to the necessities and not be always palling around. I don't believe the kids enjoy it at all, although she insists they do. If she wasn't always trying to find ways for us to hang out, I might be more open to a freindly relationship, but I'm just so over being pressured by her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you got divorced, there is definitely hurt and anger on both sides. Understandable. But if you have a decent relationship with your ex - maybe not friends but at least respectful because together you did bring someone into this world, how did this scenario develop? Did you bury some of the bad feelings at some point?

I am interested as well. But perhaps you need to say what you mean by good? Just conflict free or best friends ?

OP: not friends because of all the water under the bridge, but receptive to both of you supporting the kid(s), changing schedules if an emergency comes up, and generally being cooperative when it comes to doing the best possible parenting under the circumstances.

Anytime I feel frustrated or irritated, I remind myself that my kids security and happiness trumps any annoyances. I don't want them to be stuck between warring parents. I couldn't give them an intact family (I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce) but I will do my utmost to minimize the negative consequences for them. For me, that is a really, really big incentive to maintain a good relationship.

I am accommodating because I like him to accommodate my requests too. When he's late, or flaky, or annoying, I don't waste time getting mad because I refuse to let him derail my whole day. If it's egregious, I'll discuss it with him later, but we haven't had to do that much. I also just assume that I will be the one to take care of most logistics and planning (paperwork, scheduling doctor appointments, laundry, etc) and then it's a pleasant surprise if he send them home with a suitcase of clean clothes after the weekend.

We use email or text to agree on scheduling things or big decisions (if we discuss in person, I send an email to recap and confirm) so that there are no misunderstandings. We also still have a shared, electronic family calendar that we use for kids appointments so that we both have up to date info.

We also agree to not talk about anything beyond the kids. I mean, we'll bitch about the weather or agree that Katie Ledecky is awesome--but we do not discuss our lives or activities beyond things that impact the kids. So I don't get upset thinking about him dating because I just push it all out of my mind. His only role in my life right now is as a co-parent.

I am lucky in that my ex is fairly reliable (he's chronically late which I find irritating, but it's usually 15 minutes, not hours), always pays child support promptly, and is a good father. That makes things much easier. What makes it hard of course is that I miss our relationship and our friendship and having a cooperative relationship amplifies that. Which is why I'm so firm on the kids-only restrictions.

OP, I don't know what your background is here. But I will tell you why my parents never had a good relationship as co-parents. My mom was very blase about her affair, she would often say that it's all in the past and criticize my dad for not being more friendly to the man she cheated on him with. Her desire to avoid confronting the consequences of her choices and rebuilding the relationship and trust have really held it back. She was very dismissive of the idea that yes, my father was not a very good husband, but she had some apologizing to do.

You seem to be trying to waive away and equalize the hurt and anger, as of its just a happenstance rather than the result of peoples choices. As if it's equally unimportant and unjustified for both, when that may not be the case. I think you should ask yourself if a more direct acknowledgement of the reasons for the hurt and anger would help.

Anonymous wrote:As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

^I have a great relationship with ex-husband, and I do think this is part of it. I always try to be understanding and accommodating. I don't criticize him. Even though I secretly find him slightly irresponsible. If he asks for schedule changes, I agree for the most part. If he forgets her lunch or something, I just leave extra money in her account at school. I always make sure she calls him everyday, just to say hi and check in since she's with me more often. From seeing my friends co-parenting relationships, the biggest common denominator I see in poor ones is that one of them is very high conflict and controlling.

As a second wife whose husband could not be more distanced from his ex, I say "be cool and not controlling". His ex has tried so hard over the years to tell him what he "needs to do" and "do such and such right now" and "do not do such and such again" so much demanding and controlling stuff that it's ridiculous.

People need to realize they can't control the other person or what they do on their time or as a parent once they get divorced. Unclench, be cool, and I think the relationship will follow.

Anonymous wrote:So you got divorced, there is definitely hurt and anger on both sides. Understandable. But if you have a decent relationship with your ex - maybe not friends but at least respectful because together you did bring someone into this world, how did this scenario develop? Did you bury some of the bad feelings at some point?

I am interested as well. But perhaps you need to say what you mean by good? Just conflict free or best friends ?

So you got divorced, there is definitely hurt and anger on both sides. Understandable. But if you have a decent relationship with your ex - maybe not friends but at least respectful because together you did bring someone into this world, how did this scenario develop? Did you bury some of the bad feelings at some point?