doodlebug wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.

Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.

No, and that doesn't sound normal or healthy. Are you getting counseling?

Every single PP before you, and now me, can relate to the OP and you come here to say it's not normal or healthy? Really? First of all, it may or may not be healthy. No one asked about that. But clearly, it's normal and you're the odd man out. Are you getting therapy for that? Every person processes information differently. That's not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. It just is. It's an introvert/extrovert thing. OP, it's perfectly acceptable to ask for a list of things they want to discuss and to make them stay on topic. This will give you an idea of what you're going to be ambushed with and if they deviate from the list tell them to schedule another time to discuss that. Alternatively, you can come to the table with a list. At least that way you won't be flustered and feel like you didn't get a chance to bring up the things you want to talk about. Just be clear and honest if you need to take more time to think on something, or request all correspondence be via email if that's better for you. And you can certainly email all of them now with your current thoughts and say "now that I have had time to think about it, I really don't think I'm to blame for X" or whatever works for you. Mostly, though, you need to get your husband on board. Do it now before you have kids so if you realize this isn't going to change or work for you long term, you can get out before it's messy and complicated with kids in the mix.

Yes, I say it's not normal and not healthy. The fact that my contention enrages you so is case in point. Get a grip.

I would never agree to that kind of group meeting because it usually results in a dynamic wherein one person feels like all of the others are ganging up on him and her.

It also tends to be that people mistakenly think that the majority opinion is the right one, and that isn't always the case. So it becomes less about rational discourse and more about who has the most people on his/her side. That's a horrible family dynamic and never solves problems.

All of that said, while I don't like conflict, I've learned over time not to cave to group pressure or to apologize without having an opportunity to consider all that is being presented to me.

I usually stand up for myself, and if I feel I'm being ganged up on or intimidated into a response, I'll leave.

This is a skill that takes work, though. If it doesn't come naturally to you, then you need to work on it, because reacting after the fact makes people not trust you. What I mean by that is that if you say something and then later retract or walk back from it or say you're actually angry, then people feel like they can't trust their interactions with you. It makes you seem fickle.

One approach is to not agree to situations wherein you *know* won't be fair discussions. Don't walk into an ambush if you suspect one is about to happen. And make clear to your husband that you don't like being put in that position.

If you do get ambushed, just say "Thank you for sharing your opinion. Perhaps we can discuss this more another time."

Or call them out on the group behavior. Tell them, "I feel like I'm being ambushed here, and that's not really fair to me nor is it conducive to a fair and constructive discussion." And then leave.

You have to establish boundaries. And you have to make clear to inlaws that you aren't going to tolerate that approach. Be polite but firm.

I always react after the fact.

For me this has more advantages than disadvantages because during stressful moments I keep my cool and preserve my rational thought process. I then fall apart and go rest in my bedroom, or shut the door to my office or take a moment in my car, but no one sees that

I would NEVER apologize to someone if I wasn't in the wrong, so I think you've got a separate problem there, OP. Perhaps you felt they were all three of them against you and you caved. Please don't next time - it only delays the inevitable and causes you more suffering. You have to keep a running list of things in your mind and not deviate from that, stick to your points and be persistent enough to get what you want. So much in this world is gained by pure pig-headedness, cloaked in a polite demeanor

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.

Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.

You sound like a paranoid control freak.

You got all that from the couple of sentences you highlighted? You are clearly mentally ill and displacing hostility. Get a xanax and a life, please.

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.

Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.

You sound like a paranoid control freak.

There s not a chance in hell I would sit down for a " pow wow" with DH and the in laws. It's DH's job to protect you from them.

If people are pushing me into a corner or being unfair, I usually recognize it and deal with it then. If I'm angry, I identify the feeling and try to deal with it and speak my piece. I have no issues with debate, confrontation, or disagreement, or standing up for myself. But I think that's a combination of personality type (fierce!) and having grown up with fierce parents who also spent a lot of time having lively debates with me. You had to be pleasant and respectful, but you could argue and disagree.

I know a lot of people are very uncomfortable with this kind of thing, though. As long as you do step back and sort out your feelings, and then get back to the people to deal with things, it's a positive thing. No one is ultimately steamrolling you. You just take your stand in your own time and with preparation.

If you grew up with parents that invalidated your feelings, making you feel it was wrong to get angry, or didn't allow you to stand up and disagree, then it can be a lot harder as an adult to speak up. My husband's like this, and for years he would just agree with anything and also lie, because he was taught that you have to appear to agree and go along with people. He's been working on unlearning this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I do all the time. My instantaneous reaction when attacked or accused of something is to take the blame and assume I'm in the wrong. It's usually only afterwards when I'm not reacting emotionally that I realize "WTF, I wasn't to blame for this crap!" I've found the best way to deal is to a) not respond at all immediately and instead gather as much information as possible so I can go think on it on my own or b) communicate in writing so I don't have to respond immediately and can collect my thoughts as I go with each response.

OP - funny that we have arrived at the same way of doing things. I, too, do things in writing and after careful thought. But in situations in which I have to act on the fly, I am trying to figure out how to change that initial impulse to go with what makes the majority feel good only to find later it came at my expense.

The only thing I've found that works with my processing/response style is to only gather information at the initial meeting/conversation/confrontation and only commit to "I'll have to think about that" or "I'll have to get back to you about that." I try to force myself to never commit to anything unless I absolutely have to. Anything to give myself time to process and think it through before making any decisions or getting pushed into anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.

Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.

No, and that doesn't sound normal or healthy. Are you getting counseling?

Every single PP before you, and now me, can relate to the OP and you come here to say it's not normal or healthy? Really? First of all, it may or may not be healthy. No one asked about that. But clearly, it's normal and you're the odd man out. Are you getting therapy for that? Every person processes information differently. That's not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. It just is. It's an introvert/extrovert thing. OP, it's perfectly acceptable to ask for a list of things they want to discuss and to make them stay on topic. This will give you an idea of what you're going to be ambushed with and if they deviate from the list tell them to schedule another time to discuss that. Alternatively, you can come to the table with a list. At least that way you won't be flustered and feel like you didn't get a chance to bring up the things you want to talk about. Just be clear and honest if you need to take more time to think on something, or request all correspondence be via email if that's better for you. And you can certainly email all of them now with your current thoughts and say "now that I have had time to think about it, I really don't think I'm to blame for X" or whatever works for you. Mostly, though, you need to get your husband on board. Do it now before you have kids so if you realize this isn't going to change or work for you long term, you can get out before it's messy and complicated with kids in the mix.

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.

Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.

No, and that doesn't sound normal or healthy. Are you getting counseling?

Yep. I can't get into arguments immediately and will shut down if yelled at. I get angry later though.

Anonymous wrote:Yes I do all the time. My instantaneous reaction when attacked or accused of something is to take the blame and assume I'm in the wrong. It's usually only afterwards when I'm not reacting emotionally that I realize "WTF, I wasn't to blame for this crap!" I've found the best way to deal is to a) not respond at all immediately and instead gather as much information as possible so I can go think on it on my own or b) communicate in writing so I don't have to respond immediately and can collect my thoughts as I go with each response.

I'm like this too! I do put things in writing now, to process, but rarely to communicate to the other person. But that anger that comes too late often gets displaced onto something else. Not productive, I know.

Anonymous wrote:Yes I do all the time. My instantaneous reaction when attacked or accused of something is to take the blame and assume I'm in the wrong. It's usually only afterwards when I'm not reacting emotionally that I realize "WTF, I wasn't to blame for this crap!" I've found the best way to deal is to a) not respond at all immediately and instead gather as much information as possible so I can go think on it on my own or b) communicate in writing so I don't have to respond immediately and can collect my thoughts as I go with each response.

OP - funny that we have arrived at the same way of doing things. I, too, do things in writing and after careful thought. But in situations in which I have to act on the fly, I am trying to figure out how to change that initial impulse to go with what makes the majority feel good only to find later it came at my expense.

Yes I do all the time. My instantaneous reaction when attacked or accused of something is to take the blame and assume I'm in the wrong. It's usually only afterwards when I'm not reacting emotionally that I realize "WTF, I wasn't to blame for this crap!" I've found the best way to deal is to a) not respond at all immediately and instead gather as much information as possible so I can go think on it on my own or b) communicate in writing so I don't have to respond immediately and can collect my thoughts as I go with each response.

I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.

Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.