The best advice I received about dating after an abusive relationship was to be careful not to fall in love with the first nice man you meet.

After leaving an abusive relationship, we sometimes mistake kindness for love. In other words, hold out for the right guy. Don't just settle for someone who is kind and nice (although, those are great qualities).

I dated a few guys longer than I should have because they were so nice. We didn't have a lot in common and I wasn't really attracted to them, but they were such good people that I really, really wanted it to work.

It is hard for me to trust my own judgement, so I tend to introduce the guys I am dating to my friends. They know me well and have my best interests at heart.

Good luck. I assure you that there are great guys/girls still out there.

You might want to read the last section of this book: http://dalkeithpress.com/survivingthestorm/

I’m sorry about your divorce. The fact that you’re asking this question makes me believe that you are still struggling with the hurts from your past relationship. I would suggest that you see a counselor and work towards finding healing before venturing into the dating pool again. Sending you hugs and prayers.

The key isn't to learn to trust men. The key is to learn to trust yourself...

I'm the 19:45 poster, and I want to add, I too was in therapy for a while and a recurring theme was, why don't I respect my own instincts? When I met my bullying ex decades ago, I knew something wasn't right, and sex was always a problem for me with him. But I didn't listen to my gut feelings, because he seemed strong, smart, and impressive; everything the world seemed to think was optimal. It was a huge mistake, I knew it pretty quickly.

Separated from my bullying ex 1.5 years ago and divorce was final two months ago. A year ago when I was still traumatized, I met a guy just by a fluke and we went out a couple of times. This guy was so nice and good-hearted that I rejected him out of hand OF COURSE! I couldn't trust anyone that nice and I "wouldn't be in a club that would have me as a member". I didn't forget about him though, and apparently neither did he; he contacted me again last month and gave me another chance (see what I mean about nice?) It's a whole new thing for me, falling for someone this sweet and thoughtful. If you're dating and you think you SHOULD like someone but you just can't, tell them exactly how you feel. Let them call you in a year if they're still around. If they remember you all that time, you've really found gold and by then you'll recognize it.

I read a lot about the dynamics, did a lot of soul searching about my role, did therapy. Began dating before divorce was final, but only because I felt ready and didn't feel like I NEEDED a man anymore, and because my instincts had always been good but I just chose to override them in the one bad relationship (so this was not a pattern for me, which might take more time and effort to break and then to regain confidence). I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man who treats me as I should be treated.

Anonymous wrote:Women: if you were abused, how long after your divorce was final did you start dating? What was the process like of being able to trust a man again?

I waited a year after the divorce was final.

I have awesome male relatives and friends so I didn't stop trusting men. I had to learn how to spot sociopaths and how to trust my judgement. Therapy helped, but I had a couple bad dates before meeting my fiancé.

I had no problem trusting other men. I think it was 8-10 months after we were finished that I started flirting/dating.

Not all men are the same. If one restaurant is bad do you believe all restaurants suck? If one woman is bitchy do you think all women are bitchy? If one child is bratty one day do you believe they're always bratty?

My divorce is a couple months away from being final, and I won't be ready to date for a while. But I am in therapy (and have been since before I left him). One of the big things I am working on in therapy is why I would have chosen someone abusive, and how to recognize the warning signs in the future (and trust my own inner voice that is warning me). If you have not done therapy yet, I think it is a good idea before even thinking about dating.

Women: if you were abused, how long after your divorce was final did you start dating? What was the process like of being able to trust a man again?