Anonymous
Post 07/22/2016 07:08     Subject: Supporting a friend after transfer
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I'm probably just hormonal but I'm starting to really hate it when people without infertility post on the infertility board to ask us how to deal with an infertile friend.

It's not rocket science. And we're not such a strange and foreign bunch that you need to come ask us for guidance in relating to your friend.

I feel gawked at and made "other." I would NEVER go to a cancer board and post, "I don't have cancer but my friend was just diagnosed and I'm wondering what to do for her."

What's great about this board is that we share a common experience that most people can't relate to. When people post things like this it 1) feels like an intrusion into this shared space and 2) just reminds me that the rest of the world doesn't get it.


I feel the same way, especially since almost every woman faces some sort of problem related to infertility, delivery, going back to work, spouse, partner etc. life is just hard. I don't think infertility is something that defines me.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2016 00:41     Subject: Supporting a friend after transfer
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I'm probably just hormonal but I'm starting to really hate it when people without infertility post on the infertility board to ask us how to deal with an infertile friend.

It's not rocket science. And we're not such a strange and foreign bunch that you need to come ask us for guidance in relating to your friend.

I feel gawked at and made "other." I would NEVER go to a cancer board and post, "I don't have cancer but my friend was just diagnosed and I'm wondering what to do for her."

What's great about this board is that we share a common experience that most people can't relate to. When people post things like this it 1) feels like an intrusion into this shared space and 2) just reminds me that the rest of the world doesn't get it.


I feel ya.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2016 00:43     Subject: Re:Supporting a friend after transfer
Pp here. Sorry that posted twice!
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2016 00:43     Subject: Re:Supporting a friend after transfer
Thanks to all the great suggestions. I have told her I'm not going to ask any questions about the process / prognosis but I'm happy to listen. I'm sorry to the person who is offended I came here to ask. Actually, something that complicates the circumstance is that I was initially asking this friend for advice regarding my own infertility but then (still early / she doesn't know / there are some complications) got pregnant after my HSG just as I was starting to consult with IVF doctors. I realize that's not the same as an on-going struggle, but we did share some bond over that.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2016 00:34     Subject: Re:Supporting a friend after transfer
Thanks to all the great suggestions. I have told her I'm not going to ask any questions about the process / prognosis but I'm happy to listen. I'm sorry to the person who is offended I came here to ask. Actually, something that complicates the circumstance is that I was initially asking this friend for advice regarding my own infertility but then (still early / she doesn't know / there are some complications) got pregnant after my HSG just as I was starting to consult with IVF doctors. I realize that's not the same as an on-going struggle, but we did share some bond over that.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 20:31     Subject: Re:Supporting a friend after transfer
Anonymous wrote:I would have loved for a friend to visit and order a movie and/or bring chocolate or something post-transfer!


+1 And a funny movie at that. DW always watched funny, laugh out loud movies after transfer. They are supposed to help.

And pineapple core - if you're up for cutting it!
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 19:53     Subject: Supporting a friend after transfer
Ugh. I'm probably just hormonal but I'm starting to really hate it when people without infertility post on the infertility board to ask us how to deal with an infertile friend.

It's not rocket science. And we're not such a strange and foreign bunch that you need to come ask us for guidance in relating to your friend.

I feel gawked at and made "other." I would NEVER go to a cancer board and post, "I don't have cancer but my friend was just diagnosed and I'm wondering what to do for her."

What's great about this board is that we share a common experience that most people can't relate to. When people post things like this it 1) feels like an intrusion into this shared space and 2) just reminds me that the rest of the world doesn't get it.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 12:16     Subject: Re:Supporting a friend after transfer
I think you should ask her how she's feeling. That's very different from asking how it went or if it worked. It gives her the option to tell you what she feels comfortable saying. If she's a close friend I think it's kind of mean to not say anything. It reminds me of my friend whose father died when we were in college. She said that barely anyone said anything and often when the topic of a father came up in front of her people would act strange and change the subject. I found this out because I reached out and said something like: "I'm so sorry about your dad. Please let me know if you ever want to talk. I'm here for you." I realize that death is very different from IVF but you get the point.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 12:11     Subject: Re:Supporting a friend after transfer
I would have loved for a friend to visit and order a movie and/or bring chocolate or something post-transfer!
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 12:08     Subject: Re:Supporting a friend after transfer
I had more transfers than I care to remember and never felt sick after. The transfer is actually physically quite easy. It's about the equivalent of a pap smear, just prolonged. The egg retreivals are way more invasive and I absolutely would feel a bit sore the next day.

However, if your friend doesn't feel well, certainly offer to bring her food or some magazines.

Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 12:05     Subject: Supporting a friend after transfer
I felt fine after my transfer. But if your friend is unwell, send her a card of flowers.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 12:03     Subject: Supporting a friend after transfer
Anonymous wrote:Keep her busy. Go to the movies or mani/pedi.

Don't ask her how she's doing/feeling. Or if she's tested. If you want you can say to her "I'm here if you want to talk about it. But I'm not going to ask. If in 2-3 weeks I don't hear positive news, I'm going to assume negative. But I won't bring it up (unless you want me to)"

So draining to have to go around telling everyone you got a BFN.


Yes to all of this. Perfect advice.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 05:29     Subject: Re:Supporting a friend after transfer
I'm not sure if it is typical but I definitely felt very under-the-weather the next day. Massive headache. Sore abdomen. Light bleeding. Runny nose. Very few meds that can be taken to relieve the pain - except Tylenol. But the transfer was also a success, I'm pregnant, so, I guess the symptoms are not an indicator of success or failure. That said, it is hard to wait for two weeks for testing. I just tried to live my normal life during those weeks and not get worked up about what do my symptoms mean! Do anything you can for your friend that will help her think positive thoughts not stressful thoughts.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 03:05     Subject: Supporting a friend after transfer
Keep her busy. Go to the movies or mani/pedi.

Don't ask her how she's doing/feeling. Or if she's tested. If you want you can say to her "I'm here if you want to talk about it. But I'm not going to ask. If in 2-3 weeks I don't hear positive news, I'm going to assume negative. But I won't bring it up (unless you want me to)"

So draining to have to go around telling everyone you got a BFN.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2016 01:01     Subject: Supporting a friend after transfer
A friend had a transfer yesterday and told me it went well, but today feels really under the weather. Is this typical? Anything I could do (gossip magazine, food etc) that might be appealing to her? Thanks!