Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Anonymous wrote:Following my gut and not caring what other parents do. I've gotten other parents mad at me because I won't let my kids do certain things they are fine with. I think it gives my kids a greater sense of freedom, knowing I have their best interests in mind. They complain, but that's ok.
Family meals. Don't know why, but it seems to help.
Not giving in to electronics/screens. Hard to do, butnI'venstrictly limited screens. More reading, more talking is the result.
Buying a smaller house. Made us interact more. Less isolation.

We're doing something right! Actually, we do all that you list, but the small house thing is kind of funny to me since I feel like we love on top of each other sometimes.

These are all very sweet and thoughtful, PPs.
- OP

Following my gut and not caring what other parents do. I've gotten other parents mad at me because I won't let my kids do certain things they are fine with. I think it gives my kids a greater sense of freedom, knowing I have their best interests in mind. They complain, but that's ok.
Family meals. Don't know why, but it seems to help.
Not giving in to electronics/screens. Hard to do, butnI'venstrictly limited screens. More reading, more talking is the result.
Buying a smaller house. Made us interact more. Less isolation.

I would say the best thing we did for them is made sure they knew that we rejoiced in their existence at every stage of their lives. That they knew they were loved no matter what kind of dumb stuff they were up to. And that we had their back and home and family would always always be a place where they were safe and loved.

These days they tell us they are amazed at the stuff they can tell us and we still say we love them.

Mama love is powerful love. I realized when my daughter was being a horrible teenager that I still loved her very much, even though she was breaking my heart. And that even if she burned down our entire home town, I would still love her.

First off I wanted to comment on the "personality from the beginning" thing you mentioned.

I have observed that too. My two kids are 28 and 32 now. When I was pregnant with the first, he was so active I had to stop walking sometimes because he was moving around so much in my belly. By the time he was four, I realized he was very bright, very charming, a worrier, wanted solo time daily, was boingy, etc. Now he is all grown and I still see many personality traits that are the same as when he was in utero and was a preschooler. Same with my second child. She was so quiet in utero that I would go lay down on the bed on my belly to squish her and make sure she was still alive. She is still quiet. Much the same personality now as when she was a preschooler.

Talking to them about life, current events, our feelings about stuff.

Spending time as a family over dinner, in the car, on vacations, and at extended family gatherings.

Going to their concerts, school events and sports (even when this was kind of boring).

Reading to them when they were younger. Watching movies at home with them when they were older. Having discussions about the books and films we enjoyed together.

Anonymous wrote:Middle school.

Go private.

OP here. Interesting, why? I mean, I hated the middle school experience with the force of a thousand hot suns; how did private for middle school change things?

Middle school.

Go private.

For us it was consistancy and having a parent at home to make life easier- not at first but after we found out a sliver of what we were up against and what it would take to raise them. Both our children have special needs that required quite a bit of intense parenting for a much longer stretch of time than the neurotypical child. Many therapy appointments and the need for structured time at home pushed us to that decision. Reducing stress and increasing time both parents spent with the family helped. Putting their needs ahead of our wants and wishes is part of being a parent. DH took the "daddy" track and I quit to be home full time. Smaller house, smaller expenses made it work. What made that work was that we started out saving one take home paycheck and 10% of the other's from the time our our engagement. (I moved in with DH within 3 weeks from that). That gave us the nest egg we needed as well as the practice of living on a smaller income to be able to make the decisions we made later.

Jury is still out if we have been successful, but so far so good and much better than we first thought 10+ years ago. 1st child had a successful first year of college and second child is having a successful HS experience and will be applying to schools in the fall. We won't really know until both are completely out of school and living successfully independently- still quite a bit can happen in those 17-25 age years- at least for their issues.

Spending quality time with grandparents, reading to them, being involved in activities with them (ex: scouting), volunteering at their schools and making school attendance and good study habits a top priority. Our annual family vacation was so much fun - it strengthened our bond together as a family. Teaching them to respect and help our older neighbors.

Fair treatment across the board, no favoritism.

Oh and DH and I showing them how much we love each other.

Reading to them, speaking my native language at home, family dinner, living in a good school district, letting them have lots of unstructured free time.

Asking this here since even teen and tween parents don't really have the perspective I'm curious about.

I have two (three in a few months) children and wonder which things that you did or didn't do mattered. Even with just two kids, it's apparent that they are their own people from birth, so I don't believe that kids are just lumps of manipulable clay, but obviously there's some parental input. Which things mattered in the long run for your now-adult kids?