Anonymous wrote:I tell my son there is absolutely nothing in the world that could stop me from loving him, but it is still time to go to bed.

Me too. Do not engage is my motto. If you get into a discussion then and there, they've gotten what they want from you. They want a reaction and they went to delay bedtime. My son has ADHD and I've learned not to engage him when he says things like this.

I think this can come up in a number of different ways and I think the response varies based on what's going on.

Some kids like to see if they are pushing your buttons. Picture children as scientists about the world and interested in what happens if... If this is what is going on, you want to model not overreacting, not getting mad or hurt, but being loving, firm and calm. "I love you very much and I want to take great care of you, which includes..."

Some kids--okay all kids--like to procrastinate at bedtime. They ask complicated questions. They want one more this or one more that. However you handle footdragging at bedtime is the right response here.

Some kids experience genuine pangs. Bedtime is a time of day when little busy bodies start calming down and as their minds begin to drift they raise big questions. Note: these usually don't come up when the lights are on or you're engaged in the going-to-bed process but more at the end of the process, once their bodies are quieter. If this is the story, I treat these questions as very real. "I love you very much. What is worrying you?"

Some kids aren't really clear on what love is. I don't think it's a bad thing to use some different things that happen in stories or movies that you're watching to talk about love. Do you think she's being a good friend? Do you think that child feel loved right now? You want kids to learn to know the difference between people who may show love differently and/or may not be actually showing love.

My 6 yr old says it all the time - she is a master manipulator. I always say 'I ALWAYS love you but I don't always love the way you behave'

I tell my son there is absolutely nothing in the world that could stop me from loving him, but it is still time to go to bed.

I love you, but right now I don't like you very much.

I would suggest that you set a specific boundary and be very firm in dealing with your daughter’s manipulative behavior. You might find some helpful tips at bit.ly/29gSCJE. However, since you mentioned that she struggles with fear and anxiety, I’d advise that you consider seeing a counselor. Sending you hugs!

Do NOT get embroiled in a discussion about whether you love him enough right at bedtime. That feeds the behavior. At bedtime the answer is, "I love you so much that I want you to get the sleep you need so that you can wake up tomorrow healthy and happy and ready to_____". Fill in the blank with a fun activity for the next day.

But if you are concerned about it, you can start to talk about love, closeness, how we express and experience them, etc. outside of the moment.

"Why do you say that? What makes you feel that way?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of COURSE I love you! You're my son! And it's because I love and care about you so much that I'm insisting you go to bed now - so you grow up big and strong. Night, night!

This. Don't dramatize it more than it already is

No, this is blowing it off. Ask him questions. Ask him what love means. Ask him why he thinks this. Understand his mind. That alone will be a good way for you to show him that you truly do love him.

If, after talking, it is "you don't love because you don't buy me toys every day" then by all means, use the PP's line. If it's something deeper, then you'll be glad you took the time to ask.

Of course I do, which is why I'm insisting that you do what's best for you.

Works in almost any situation.

Then, add reassurance pf your love at times when it's not a probable manipulation tactic, at random spontaneous times. Extra cuddles, extra "I love you's", extra comments about specific things you love about him/love doing with him, etc. That way if he is truly insecure about being loved, you're showing him both through the limits he needs and through frequent other interactions.

Anonymous wrote:Of COURSE I love you! You're my son! And it's because I love and care about you so much that I'm insisting you go to bed now - so you grow up big and strong. Night, night!

This. Don't dramatize it more than it already is

Of COURSE I love you! You're my son! And it's because I love and care about you so much that I'm insisting you go to bed now - so you grow up big and strong. Night, night!

If he's only saying it when you are being an enforcer, he is manipulating you.

How to respond? I know my 5 year old is manipulating me but also has fears and anxieties so I don't want to totally blow it off. It usually comes up enforce bed time if I am trying to put a stop to antics.