Anonymous
Post 07/05/2016 00:40     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My overt narcissist DH came home from individual therapy to declare his therapist diagnosed me as a narcissist. She's never met me.

Tricky bunch. They shower on the love and build up the craziness over years. I'm hanging onto this marriage by a thread. I'd leave but I can't imagine a world of 50/50 custody with his mental illness.

Back to OP, yes, there was one day I just woke up and realized he was abusive. Everything made so much more sense. The gas lighting is the worst part. I kept trying to understand why he was so forgetful.


I can relate to this in a lot of ways. While not a narcissist, my husband has some major emotional breaks due to abuse as a child. He simply cannot connect the dots re: how his behavior affects others. For example, he'll insist on handling the bills, then forget to pay the real estate taxes, and when I get angry because we were charged over a grand in fines, he'll think I have no right to be angry about it. I used to think he was being deliberately obtuse until it was pointed out to me that he simply can't connect A (his forgetting to pay the bill) to B (my getting upset over it).

Or he'll correct my phrasing of a word or use of a word, interrupting my thought, not really understanding that it conveys the message "I don't care what you are saying".

It's maddening.


Oh, this sounds familiar. Both of those scenarios! In what way does his childhood abuse cause emotional breaks that manifest themselves like that?
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2016 00:38     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Anonymous wrote:My overt narcissist DH came home from individual therapy to declare his therapist diagnosed me as a narcissist. She's never met me.

Tricky bunch. They shower on the love and build up the craziness over years. I'm hanging onto this marriage by a thread. I'd leave but I can't imagine a world of 50/50 custody with his mental illness.

Back to OP, yes, there was one day I just woke up and realized he was abusive. Everything made so much more sense. The gas lighting is the worst part. I kept trying to understand why he was so forgetful.


I have narcissists in my life and I'm trying to understand more about this. Please tell me more about the gas lighting. How was him being "forgetful" a part that? TIA!
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2016 00:26     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Anonymous wrote:My overt narcissist DH came home from individual therapy to declare his therapist diagnosed me as a narcissist. She's never met me.

Tricky bunch. They shower on the love and build up the craziness over years. I'm hanging onto this marriage by a thread. I'd leave but I can't imagine a world of 50/50 custody with his mental illness.

Back to OP, yes, there was one day I just woke up and realized he was abusive. Everything made so much more sense. The gas lighting is the worst part. I kept trying to understand why he was so forgetful.


I can relate to this in a lot of ways. While not a narcissist, my husband has some major emotional breaks due to abuse as a child. He simply cannot connect the dots re: how his behavior affects others. For example, he'll insist on handling the bills, then forget to pay the real estate taxes, and when I get angry because we were charged over a grand in fines, he'll think I have no right to be angry about it. I used to think he was being deliberately obtuse until it was pointed out to me that he simply can't connect A (his forgetting to pay the bill) to B (my getting upset over it).

Or he'll correct my phrasing of a word or use of a word, interrupting my thought, not really understanding that it conveys the message "I don't care what you are saying".

It's maddening.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 22:37     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've been married 11 years, 2 kids. Just learned about narcissism in the last few months after I started therapy. I hope to be separated by the end of the summer.

Im in the same boat. God I'm jealous if you get to be separated by end of summer.


Sending you hugs and strength! We can get through this and will be stronger for it.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 19:13     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Anonymous wrote:We've been married 11 years, 2 kids. Just learned about narcissism in the last few months after I started therapy. I hope to be separated by the end of the summer.

Im in the same boat. God I'm jealous if you get to be separated by end of summer.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 17:19     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
My overt narcissist DH came home from individual therapy to declare his therapist diagnosed me as a narcissist. She's never met me.

Tricky bunch. They shower on the love and build up the craziness over years. I'm hanging onto this marriage by a thread. I'd leave but I can't imagine a world of 50/50 custody with his mental illness.

Back to OP, yes, there was one day I just woke up and realized he was abusive. Everything made so much more sense. The gas lighting is the worst part. I kept trying to understand why he was so forgetful.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 16:12     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
My mother's one and I didn't realize until I was 35. Glad you're getting the help you need OP
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 16:10     Subject: Re:Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How the hell is it possible you couldn't tell within the first 6 months of dating he was a narcissist? Or even within a year?


Some people were raised by narcissists themselves (or alcoholics) so it seems normal for them to kow-tow to the "better" person. People find partners who are like their parents. Sad.


OP here. This describes me. It is sad.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 15:31     Subject: Re:Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Anonymous wrote:How the hell is it possible you couldn't tell within the first 6 months of dating he was a narcissist? Or even within a year?


Some people were raised by narcissists themselves (or alcoholics) so it seems normal for them to kow-tow to the "better" person. People find partners who are like their parents. Sad.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 15:28     Subject: Re:Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Anonymous wrote:How the hell is it possible you couldn't tell within the first 6 months of dating he was a narcissist? Or even within a year?


Not OP, but due to an "oops" pregnancy, I married mine before I knew how/what he was. A narcissist can keep up the show for a year or more, especially if you're not always together.

OP, I had the same "black is white, up is down, WTF is my life?!" realization. I'm sorry. It sucks.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 15:27     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
We've been married 11 years, 2 kids. Just learned about narcissism in the last few months after I started therapy. I hope to be separated by the end of the summer.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 15:05     Subject: Re:Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
How the hell is it possible you couldn't tell within the first 6 months of dating he was a narcissist? Or even within a year?
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 14:38     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Fortunately, no, but my DH has finally realized that his father is one.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 14:27     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Can you give us an example?
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 13:52     Subject: Holy s***, I'm married to a covert narcissist
Has anyone else had this realization? I just did and I'm having an out of body experience.