Anonymous wrote:np: This thread is comforting to me. I recently started therapy, and the therapist gives me similar advice to the wise words given here. It's hard to put them into practice, so it helps me to have support from the therapist - a bargain at $20 co-pay.

+1 I went to therapy quite a bit over the years because of my family of origin. And the family I come contains a load of people who think therapy is only for crazy people and that your family members and Jesus can be your therapists-- and in my father's case, despite the abuse he went through as a kid and his OCD, he's just fine and everyone else must accept him as is without a complaint (otherwise he'll tear your apart verbally if you dare to suggest he has issues).

np: This thread is comforting to me. I recently started therapy, and the therapist gives me similar advice to the wise words given here. It's hard to put them into practice, so it helps me to have support from the therapist - a bargain at $20 co-pay.

I don't like my family, either. They are not bad, but they just have different values than I do. I will see them occasionally because I want my children to have some sort of relationship with their extended family and make their own choices about whether they want to be close later. We don't have to be best buddies, just keep it light. No one is going to be that great when you become close and see all their issues anyway.

I don't have any major issues with my family, but I love my in-laws so much more. It's funny, because if you asked my family, I'm sure they'd say I "married down," but I'm so much more comfortable and relaxed around my husband's family. For example, my sister invited us to come celebrate yesterday at her new house, but we had already agreed to spend it at my in-laws' house. They grilled a ton of food under an umbrella and then we all sat around and ate, crammed into their living room. Nothing special, but plenty of laughter and good conversations. I know at my sister's, she was so mad that her party was "ruined" by the rain and nobody could use the pool or fancy new grill set-up they have. They just have no ability to make lemonade from lemons.

There are so many other examples of how my DH's family is just more accepting and content with what they have. When we were expecting our first child, I told my mom and was lectured about not being ready (we were renting) and how we should wait to have children. DH's parents cried tears of joy, and to this day, they're always anxious to babysit (kids are 6, 4, and 2). If I ask my mom, she'll say she has to look at her schedule (she's retired) and then if she agrees at all, she'll suggest just 1 or 2 kids, but not all 3. That's fine, but it's a complete difference from the other set of grandparents. Oh, and all the families live within an hour of each other.

OP, can the guilt. You don't have to apologize for your relationship with your in-laws. I would maintain some kind of relationship with your family, just because it's so easy to stay in touch without actually seeing/talking with each other (Facebook, email, etc). I also have almost no relationship with my father, but I send him cards from the kids on his birthday, Father's Day, and Christmas. That's the level of contact I'm comfortable with.

Your family might be toxic or evil, or who knows. But, do be careful, at first my ILs looked like "perfect" family. No fights, no arguments, Brady Bunch all and all. But slowly cracks fell apart and it was clear that MIL was deeply unhappy, FIL is a tyrant and everything has to be his way or hell will break loose. SIL is a slob, BIL is very now that he is adult, controlling freak like his dad. They are still ok compared to many, but far from roses and sunshine once you really get to know them.

22:50 you can't fix their issues, and your concern that you would waste time and money and not accomplish anything is correct.

People don't change unless they want to, and even then it's very difficult. When two people live together for decades, their behaviors are mutually reinforcing. An outsider simply cannot change that dynamic.

Just be glad you got out. Spend minimal time with them, don't stay there when and if you visit, and when you speak by phone or email, don't engage about the craziness. Keep it light.

Yes I also do not like the people my parents have become. Mom has a mental disorder and dad is a doormat and o woukd say codependent (it's not about substance abuse but still), or maybe it's better to say that he enables her.
I have no idea how to help them, as they live far away. I woukd need to live there for months on end to fix their issues, and they woukd be resistant.
I am just afraid I woukd end up spending time, money, energy and not achieving anything.

Anonymous wrote:My father...

He clearly wanted a boy. He adores my DH and my two sons, but can clearly take or leave me. I suck it up, but really? He will call my house, speak to my DH and not even bother saying hi to me.

My father is sort of like this too. He is an immigrant and says he hopes my nephew (age 9, holy terror) becomes president of the US someday. Does he say the same about my daughter, who is older, smart, well-behaved, and thriving in school and athletics? Not a chance. He went to my brother's graduations but not mine. My mother is kind but a doormat and had an addiction problem that also messed up the family.

Op, don't overthink this - - if you do, YOU are being more negative than is necessary. Distance yourself? Lose the intensity. See them when you want.

Absolutely no reason to feel guilty.

I have no desire to bridge the distance I've created between myself and my parents over the years. They're not cut off, but I keep them at arms length. Sometimes I regret not having a closer relationship with them, then I spend time with them over the holidays and remember that it's just not in the cards for me to have that harmonious relationship with my parents.

My inlaws are a different story. We get along great and they have taken over a somewhat parental role for me too. They're great with our daughter too and model a much better family life for her.

My father...

He clearly wanted a boy. He adores my DH and my two sons, but can clearly take or leave me. I suck it up, but really? He will call my house, speak to my DH and not even bother saying hi to me.

I have those feelings sometimes, but I also realize that my parents were denied opportunities for various reasons, and that while my father was mentally strong enough to attain financial stability and a social position, my mother and her siblings were not. Thus the pettiness, backstabbing and general negativity in my mother's family. Basically they blew it, and they know it.
My ILs are the classic immigrant rags-to-riches story - they prize education and work ethic.
I am definitely teaching my kids more about my ILs.

DH and I are both like that. It always amazes us when people like their parents & WANT to spend time with them. We really cannot picture that at all.

Don't feel guilty.

I can't stand my mother. I wish she'd die in her sleep.

My MIL is cool.

After spending just a couple of days I am realizing how little I feel for them. They are pretty unhappy people who do little more than complain about everything and talk about one another behind their backs. I just don't enjoy being with them. And I know that now that I am gone, they are talking about me.
My in laws are so much more functional. We live closer to them and have more meaningful relationships.
Now I am feeling guilty for having such negative feelings but I also am ready to distance myself further. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just spend time with individual people in the family, but they all live in the same town and some make zero attempt to travel here to visit my family.
So, how guilty should I feel? Will I regret cutting (or nearly cutting) them off? I know I won't ever fully cut them out, but I guess I want to have as little a relationship as possible. I cut my bio father off when I was 17 and have had no regrets about that.
Thoughts?
Advice?