Anonymous wrote:Most marriage counselors won't work with a couple when there are addiction issues because that is an individual issue. People who are under the influence of drugs and alcohol are not reliable, they can talk about anything but they are impaired much of the time so what's the point? If he agrees to be better to you when he's sober you think he'll honor that when he's drunk? Really OP you have to ask yourself what you think a therapist can do when your husband refuses to change? Therapy is about willingness to change.

The person who needs therapy the most in this scenario is you, why would you stay in this marriage? Really why? The cheating is the least of it!

Go to Al Anon, now. The people who you will meet there are the real experts, they are the ones who live with the addicts and will be a safe place for you to cry, vent, and get real advice that you can use. Start concentrating on yourself OP, stop worrying about how to make him better.

Concentrate on you.

This is what i have seen, too. My man has been sober for 41 years. I met him after he had been sober for about 20 years. He's told me his history. It is like everything you describe. Based on how he behaves today, it is hard for me to believe that people can make such big changes, but clearly it is possible. He has taken me to open AA meetings and i have met many of his AA friends with the same "story". There is hope.

Oh it's you, from the other thread?

Step one: Find a job or a place to stay in the States while you look for a job.

Step two: Go.

You really need to see a decent therapist, because this is a lot to handle, and I have a feeling you're going to flounder right into a fresh mess with a new screwed-up man, because you're kind of drawn to that dynamic. You don't want to do that, because you have kids to think about. Focus on getting yourself self-supporting, so you're not forced to stay in this horrible situation. Leave him to clean up his own mess.

Anonymous wrote:Most marriage counselors won't work with a couple when there are addiction issues because that is an individual issue. People who are under the influence of drugs and alcohol are not reliable, they can talk about anything but they are impaired much of the time so what's the point? If he agrees to be better to you when he's sober you think he'll honor that when he's drunk? Really OP you have to ask yourself what you think a therapist can do when your husband refuses to change? Therapy is about willingness to change.

The person who needs therapy the most in this scenario is you, why would you stay in this marriage? Really why? The cheating is the least of it!

Go to Al Anon, now. The people who you will meet there are the real experts, they are the ones who live with the addicts and will be a safe place for you to cry, vent, and get real advice that you can use. Start concentrating on yourself OP, stop worrying about how to make him better.

Concentrate on you.

Ive just found out about the cheating. I'm staying for logistical reasons and to give our marriage a real (final) shot. I'm pregnant and SAH - I want to have the baby and line up a job before leaving (if I do choose ultimately to leave). I also live overseas. The situation is difficult but not as difficult as going back to the states with no job, a pregnancy, and a toddler.

Most marriage counselors won't work with a couple when there are addiction issues because that is an individual issue. People who are under the influence of drugs and alcohol are not reliable, they can talk about anything but they are impaired much of the time so what's the point? If he agrees to be better to you when he's sober you think he'll honor that when he's drunk? Really OP you have to ask yourself what you think a therapist can do when your husband refuses to change? Therapy is about willingness to change.

The person who needs therapy the most in this scenario is you, why would you stay in this marriage? Really why? The cheating is the least of it!

Go to Al Anon, now. The people who you will meet there are the real experts, they are the ones who live with the addicts and will be a safe place for you to cry, vent, and get real advice that you can use. Start concentrating on yourself OP, stop worrying about how to make him better.

Concentrate on you.

He has to clean up his act and work on himself before he'll be ready to do any work with you on your relationship.

He needs to get to the root of what's causing him to have addictions, acting out with cheating, and the anger issues. A good individual therapist would be needed.

He could also benefit from AA meetings and SA meetings (for sex addicts, which includes porn and chronic cheating). There are many groups in the DC metro area for this, meeting every night of the week.

Ultimately these are his issues and he needs to be the one who motivates himself and does the work.

For yourself, a therapist can help you work out why you're with him and how to get out of this mess.

Anonymous wrote:Husband and I are about to begin therapy for the third time. This is the last shot for our relationship - I just caught him cheating, he's copped to porn addiction and admits to alcohol addiction, as well as acknowledging being controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. Aside from the cheating, these are not new issues.

The last two times in counseling - particularly the last one - were incredibly frustrating to me and felt inane. It seemed that all the counsellors wanted to focus on were communication techniques. To me, that misses the point. How can I ensure that this new therapist gets to the root of the issues instead of rehearsing how to argue using "I" phrases?

Your post indicates you think the counselors have been to blame for your husband's lapse numbers 2 and 3. Like if you just found a good counselor then all the problems could be fixed. This is unlikely. Your husband is to blame. Only he controls whether he stops these behaviors or not. And, he has been communicating with you very well; you are just not "hearing" him. He is telling you about his cheating, alcoholism and showing you his anger. Getting a new counselor isn't going to fix your broken husband.

I have been in your situation. What I realized is that marriage and family counseling are useless when one person either doesn't want to or can't change. Personally, I would never engage with a "counselor" to resolve the issues above. You are dealing with hypersexuality, alcoholism and emotional issues. These three things are huge red flags that your DH needs to be seen by a psychiatrist. There are likely mental illness or addiction issues driving his behavior that could be helped by proper diagnosis, medication and real psychological treatment that includes patient education and cognitive behavioral therapy. Without medication, therapy can be useless.

Even with medication the red flags are so many and this is your 3rd time around with him. Really, you need to let him go.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what a couples counselor is going to be able to do for you, except to help you realize that you need to leave this relationship unless your husband makes some major changes.

Going to couples and individual therapy are part of those changes. He and I will also start going to AA.

I'm not moving rashly but it's do or die. The next several months will show me the truth, I'm sure. I'm not going to submit myself to a lifetime of pain. If things don't change, of course I'll have to leave.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he would benefit from an individual therapist who brought you in from time to time. And what is worked on there can be brought to a couples therapist.

We are both in individual counseling, as well (he's just started).

I'm not sure what a couples counselor is going to be able to do for you, except to help you realize that you need to leave this relationship unless your husband makes some major changes.

It sounds like he would benefit from an individual therapist who brought you in from time to time. And what is worked on there can be brought to a couples therapist.

Find someone who is EFT certified. Gottman certified is also really good. Neither focus primarily on just verbal communication.

Go to a Marriage and Family therapist, or someone who is Gottman or EFT certified, or advertises years of advanced training in couples therapy. Most run of the mill therapists who are focusing on "I" Statements are just dabbling at a skill that requires years of specific training to be really good at.

active ongoing addiction makes it close to impossible to put couples back together- because the addiction is a "third" in your relationship. If your husband continues to manage his pain this way, you will struggle to ever gain ground in therapy.

You may be in a place to consider Discernment Counseling.
The intent of these sessions is to decide: commit to counseling and repair for 6 months, separate for 6 months, or head straight to divorce. It's typically a max of 5 sessions. This might wake your husband up.

Sorry you have had such a bad experience.

-Couples therapist

What do you see as the root? Addiction? DJ needs as an addiction counselor then. Maybe a psychiatrist. What is it that you want the couples counselor to do specifically? Get clear on your goals and discuss them at your first meeting.

Read this at your first session.

Husband and I are about to begin therapy for the third time. This is the last shot for our relationship - I just caught him cheating, he's copped to porn addiction and admits to alcohol addiction, as well as acknowledging being controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. Aside from the cheating, these are not new issues.

The last two times in counseling - particularly the last one - were incredibly frustrating to me and felt inane. It seemed that all the counsellors wanted to focus on were communication techniques. To me, that misses the point. How can I ensure that this new therapist gets to the root of the issues instead of rehearsing how to argue using "I" phrases?