I was friends with my dad too much of my life -- he tended toward friend-parent starting in my tween/early teen years (except when I'd get busted for drinking, drugs or bad grades). My mom and I never have been close. After I went to therapy, and then had a kid of my own, I started to see my parents differently -- especially my dad, and not in a good way. Now he really annoys me. They both do, but my mom is sick in a way that she's mostly functional but crazy as hell, so I kind of have to cut her slack, plus I barely talk to her much. When I do, it's fine.

In short, I am disappointed with my relationship with my parents. I've worked through my mom issues, but remain frustrated with my father. He's an overgrown man-child.

So, I think yes, with caveats that everyone has to be onboard. I am, mostly, friends with my parents. Sometimes we regress. When I think one of them is starting to lecture, I start to react like a sullen teenager. And I have to forcibly remind myself that I am an adult and can smile and nod and change the subject, much as I would if a well-meaning colleague started giving me unsolicited advice. My parents are actually fairly sensitive to the issue, having been called out once. And they can take a hint when I change the subject.

Somehow when I went away to college, my mom stopped lecturing me and started being my friend. She was interested in everything in my life. Dad still lectures occasionally but I do shut that down and he tries to take my mom's lead. When they visit and he mentions I should get new carpeting or that I should work on X, I tell him he's free to pay or to do that and laugh. It's been decades now, but we're very close and I think it helps that they don't try to manage my life. They just like to hear about it all.

It really depends on the personality of your parents. With my dad, yes. He was a good listener and there was good back and forth. It was also helpful that we could relate to each other's aesthetic sensitivities.

With my mom, not a chance. She's bossy, condescending, micromanaging, and thinks everyone besides her is an idiot. Case in point, when my 40-year old brother was visiting from across the country she asked him to cut up a watermelon for everyone, then proceeded to stand nearby to give instruction b/c she didn't trust him to do a perfect job that's up to her standard. We have nothing in common and I can't even share things I enjoy with her b/c she has no eye or ear for beauty.

I would definitely consider myself friends with my parents at this point. I'm as likely to call them up to do something as I am friends our own age. They are fun to hand out with. When my H couldn't go on a work trip with me to a really cool location I called my dad up and asked him if he wanted to go and we had a great time tacking a week on to my trip. Even my H will call my dad to do things.

H does not have the same relationship with his parents. They are very heavy handed with advice and criticism and their interests are divergent from his. Plus, they complain all the time about everything and are generally not fun to be around.

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible? Now in my 40s, I've been hoping that my parents and I could be friends, but they still like to treat me and even DH like we are kids in need of their guidance and advice. We can never just have a nice meal with them; there's always awkwardness, lots of "you shoulds," lots of lecturing as if we're just two crazy kids who can't get our act together and need all the help we can get. It's a little disappointing.

It is totally possible. Both DH and I had parents that treated us as adults. Some of it started upon our return from first semester at college and then progressed from there. Our adult relationships are some of the many things I miss about all four of them. I am saddened that at 17 and 19 my children have no living grandparents.

I consdier my mom and I to be friends. She doesn't offer a lot of unsolicited advice--she will make suggestions, etc., but she doesn't feel the need to tell me that I'm doing it wrong just because I'm doing it differently than she did. She's super helpful, always supportive, and fun to be around. She's a fantastic houseguest, a flexible traveler, organized, and always up for whatever. She's also pretty smart about people and often has good advice about things at work and friendships. On the other hand, she will ask my advice about stuff that's in my wheelhouse--she went back to college when I was in college and would ask me to read her papers because I'm a better writer. We had some rough moments when I was at home, because we are actually really different people, but she loves me and knows me better than anyone. And especially now that I'm a mom myself, I understand how much she did for me. I appreciate her, and I also really like her.

Anonymous wrote:My DH's parents are great. Sometimes MIL will say things that are semi-advice but I don't think she means it maliciously - more that she is surprised at the direction child psychology or science moved in. "When I was raising children we didn't worry at all about babies watching tv."

But in general, they're great. They'll follow the rules we set for the kids, and they're respectful of our house. They've met a lot of our friends. We can spend a long weekend together without anyone having hurt feelings.

What I love about your post, PP, is that you choose to interpret your MIL's comments as expressions of curiosity or interest, rather than criticism or intrusive advice. As a soon-to-be MIL, I've asked friends who have good relationships with their DILs and SILs what I can do to foster such lovely friendships with my future DIL. The advice that has been consistently offered is:
always assume good intentions. This is, of course, a helpful guideline in life generally.

My DH's parents are great. Sometimes MIL will say things that are semi-advice but I don't think she means it maliciously - more that she is surprised at the direction child psychology or science moved in. "When I was raising children we didn't worry at all about babies watching tv."

But in general, they're great. They'll follow the rules we set for the kids, and they're respectful of our house. They've met a lot of our friends. We can spend a long weekend together without anyone having hurt feelings.

You might want to tell your Mother - - that this is the relationship you hope for. In order to have it the young adult has to be an equal: entirely self-supporting. Not dependent on parents for money or favors, or vacations or childcare. Equals. But probably never intimate friends. Not telling each other too much, not confiding too much because there is too much risk in that. Relationships, especially friendships ebb and flow and you can't risk a falling-out. But it's important to talk to each other with respect and care, and insist on it. It must go both ways. I always ask myself, "would I say that to a friend?" If they haven't asked for my opinion, I shouldn't give my opinion or advice unsolicited.

I really missed this. My mother and I kind of reversed roles as I moved into my 30s and she had dementia. She died when I was 37. My dad lived until 90, but he still maintained this power over me and my decade-older sister. It never turned into a "friend" relationship.

*Sigh* we moved back to the area so my kids could spend time with their grandparents. My parents are wonderful grandparents but I don't think I could ever feel as if we were friends.

My Mom is my best friend and I love being around my Dad too. I think I just got lucky in the parent department.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

I'll take "a little disappointing" any day over mind games and other insanity.

Is it possible? Now in my 40s, I've been hoping that my parents and I could be friends, but they still like to treat me and even DH like we are kids in need of their guidance and advice. We can never just have a nice meal with them; there's always awkwardness, lots of "you shoulds," lots of lecturing as if we're just two crazy kids who can't get our act together and need all the help we can get. It's a little disappointing.