Sounds a lot like my MIL, although she is not as quite as bad. I've always attributed it to not wanting her kids to grow up--she wants to be consulted on every decision. When DH and I met, she was very upset that we decided to move in together without consulting her first (he was 28 and had been out of their house for 6 years)

Luckily, my DH feels as I do about letting her be a part of our family decisions.

My SIL (MIL's daughter) lives only a few minutes away from her and seems to have no problem letting MIL into every detail of her life and letting her be involved in kids activities/parties/events/friendships. I am grateful for her all the time, as it takes a lot of pressure off of us. I do feel bad for BIL, though.

Anonymous wrote:My secretary at work is like this. Obviously not about gift-giving but about knowing every single detail and being in the know about everything in the agency and every bit of my work. She likes to be able to say "I knew that" when I tell her I have a meeting.

I think anxiety drives this and a fierce need to control. I'm trying to find a way to tell her that the know-it-all-ism actually makes her less desirable as a secretary than more desirable.

I was just about to type "anxiety". My mom was similar in wanting perfection and control...

Anonymous wrote:Is she from New York? My in-laws from Long Island are like this (not to quite the same extreme, but similar) and DH says it is the Long Island Jewish culture. I'm Jewish too but not from NY and it is so foreign to me.

Folks from the island are certainly blunt, but what you are talking about isn't culture, but boundary issues.

My secretary at work is like this. Obviously not about gift-giving but about knowing every single detail and being in the know about everything in the agency and every bit of my work. She likes to be able to say "I knew that" when I tell her I have a meeting.

I think anxiety drives this and a fierce need to control. I'm trying to find a way to tell her that the know-it-all-ism actually makes her less desirable as a secretary than more desirable.

My mom has always been like this. It's why we don't have a close relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Is she from New York? My in-laws from Long Island are like this (not to quite the same extreme, but similar) and DH says it is the Long Island Jewish culture. I'm Jewish too but not from NY and it is so foreign to me.

'

Oh no, it is definitely NOT just Jewish NY culture - those behaviors are alive and well in WASPY cultures, as well, PP.

Is she from New York? My in-laws from Long Island are like this (not to quite the same extreme, but similar) and DH says it is the Long Island Jewish culture. I'm Jewish too but not from NY and it is so foreign to me.

Yes, my MIL. Just a few scenarios among many:

When we lived 45 min away, and we were driving to visit, she wanted to know where we were at all times. Specifics. Of course, if we said we'd be there at two, we'd be there. Or sometimes we would shoot a text to give an eta. ETA was not enough. Needed to know where we were on the journey.

When we were deciding to move and to get a new job for DH, and the 100 decisions that go along with that, she wanted to know stuff WAY too early that was of no relevance to her. And not just asking to be kind, like a friend might ask, how's it going? It was like "why haven't you decided this yet?!?!" And ya know we were in the process. Of deciding everything! And I have no idea how some of these things would even impact her weeks in advance!!

When the family is all taking a trip together, she is the center of it all. Obviously having a hard time adjusting to her adult children managing aspects of the trip themselves. For her it would not be enough for her to arrive at the destination in the morning, and know everyone would be there by mid afternoon. I get that it's fun to know when planes land or whatever. It's not just that. "Where are you getting a car rental? How long will that take? Ok so that puts you at the house at 1 right, maybe 1:30 if you stop for lunch? Should I have lunch ready for you guys?" And every detail of the week is handled like this.

Last, all of this does not *feel* caring. It feels, as I said before, not like a friend simply being interested and friendly...

What happens if you don't tell her these details and she finds out?

How would you feel not sharing with anybody on that side of the family, or is that not feasible?

Honestly, I wouldn't care one little mouse shit what this woman thinks or says

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL has major control and boundary issues.

+1

I know MILs who did the first and last thing you itemized, OP. They definitely are MILs with boundary and control issues, to say the least. They want to be the head of something. Newsflash: NOT my family! LOL.

Reminds new me of my whole family. If you don't want the world to know then don't mention it to anyone on either side of the family. I normally dont care. But honestly I get bored with talking about the minutiae. I cannot believe how long every story gets and how much detail everyone talks in. I can space out for minutes and not miss enough to lose track of the story.

Anonymous wrote:This all seems gift-centric. Any issues since the wedding? Were you just married?

It's not gift-centric, but yes, 2 of the 4 examples were gift related. We've been married awhile. She has always been like this. DH is just so used to it but gosh, it drives me crazy.

This all seems gift-centric. Any issues since the wedding? Were you just married?

Your MIL has major control and boundary issues.

Is your mother or MIL like this?

My MIL feels like (and in the past has actually said as much) that all information should go through her so then she can distribute the information accordingly. Here are a few examples:

-She literally knows every single gift we have ever given anyone on their side of the family. Not just local family but also out of town relatives.
-When we were engaged, she was upset because she wasn't included into the bachelor party planning and felt that she should have had more information about it.
-If I send a text to anyone in the family, she always seems to know about it. Often will tell me/text/email about a text she wasn't even a part of that doesn't have anything to do with her.
-Around our wedding, she explicitly told me to tell her who sent gifts and what they sent us so SHE could thank them.

I usually just ignore it but it seems so odd to me. I can understand things coming up in conversation "Oh, Larla texted me about the graduation." or "Larla sent a wonderful gift!" but it seems to happen with EVERYTHING.

This is more just a vent rather than a what to do post. I just can't stand someone being in my business all the time! I try to not let it bother me but it just irks me.