Ok, this is way worse than just Adhd. Sure, try to work on that, but this seems like a situation of real mental illness and he probably needs that addressed dirextly. Maybe avoiding seeing a doctor is because he can tell he's got a very serions problem that goes way beyond adhd. Being mired in adhd gives him cover to avoid facing it.

Can you find a screening tool online and go through the questions with him?

As for the money question: Well, marriage counseling is expensive as is divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you PPs, for your responses.

To add more to the tableau, we have a tight budget and my husband insists on doing all the home maintenance and repairs himself, which take months and months of nagging and desultory work/running out for tools to be accomplished (think no A/C for the 3 hottest months of the year).

So basically he will refuse any solution that costs money, like a home maintenance company or a career coach, but he has an added gripe with the medication solution, since he is worried about side-effects (which I understand in the abstract).

Thank you PP for suggesting the "running list". I need to keep track of every important thing he should not have forgotten, to give him a picture of what our life could look like if he was more functional.

Keep the advice coming. I would love to hear from someone whose spouse was persuaded to get treatment, and how it changed their life (or not!).

My spouse got treatment, took meds and got violent. Meds aren't the cure-all we'd like them to be sometimes. He switched to a counseling-only model of management. Unfortunately, he's really good at denying responsibility for his actions, and has told the counselor that, essentially, it's all my fault he is the way he is.

We're now separated.

Obviously, not all cases will play out this way. But if I had it to do over, I'd start with quietly gathering a list like PP described. Be as specific as you can, and list all the ways his forgetfulness, etc. impact you/your family. Just be prepared for him to blame you for "nagging" or being "controlling" or even allege that you're "abusive" for being endlessly frustrated with his failure(s) to coparent/partner effectively.

I'm sorry, PP.

OP here.

Sadly, we have had anger situations like you describe, even without meds. It gets to really toxic proportions where he basically blackmails the family for weeks because he hasn't received an apology over something that was completely his fault, and there is no way we can convince him that 1. he's not assessing the situation rationally, and 2. blackmail is never a good option anyway.

If you don't mind sharing, what was the name of the medication your husband tried?

To another PP, Asperger's runs in his family, and I suspect he has tendencies in that direction, but there is no cure and no treatment. I'd like to take a shot at the treatable condition first.

Present the coaching thing as an alternative to medication, and worth it financially bc it may increase his earnings growth.

I would get him checked out for what used to be called aspergers.

Limit him to one household project at a time. It's probably a way of procrastinating.

How old are the kids, op?

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you PPs, for your responses.

To add more to the tableau, we have a tight budget and my husband insists on doing all the home maintenance and repairs himself, which take months and months of nagging and desultory work/running out for tools to be accomplished (think no A/C for the 3 hottest months of the year).

So basically he will refuse any solution that costs money, like a home maintenance company or a career coach, but he has an added gripe with the medication solution, since he is worried about side-effects (which I understand in the abstract).

Thank you PP for suggesting the "running list". I need to keep track of every important thing he should not have forgotten, to give him a picture of what our life could look like if he was more functional.

Keep the advice coming. I would love to hear from someone whose spouse was persuaded to get treatment, and how it changed their life (or not!).

My spouse got treatment, took meds and got violent. Meds aren't the cure-all we'd like them to be sometimes. He switched to a counseling-only model of management. Unfortunately, he's really good at denying responsibility for his actions, and has told the counselor that, essentially, it's all my fault he is the way he is.

We're now separated.

Obviously, not all cases will play out this way. But if I had it to do over, I'd start with quietly gathering a list like PP described. Be as specific as you can, and list all the ways his forgetfulness, etc. impact you/your family. Just be prepared for him to blame you for "nagging" or being "controlling" or even allege that you're "abusive" for being endlessly frustrated with his failure(s) to coparent/partner effectively.

offer him the choice of career coach, meds, or marriage counseling. It sounds like he is rejecting all of your ideas, so you have to make it clear that the status quo cannot continue. If you have to go nuclear by not covering for him, do it now before the job search needs to begin.

Thank you PPs, for your responses.

To add more to the tableau, we have a tight budget and my husband insists on doing all the home maintenance and repairs himself, which take months and months of nagging and desultory work/running out for tools to be accomplished (think no A/C for the 3 hottest months of the year).

So basically he will refuse any solution that costs money, like a home maintenance company or a career coach, but he has an added gripe with the medication solution, since he is worried about side-effects (which I understand in the abstract).

Thank you PP for suggesting the "running list". I need to keep track of every important thing he should not have forgotten, to give him a picture of what our life could look like if he was more functional.

Keep the advice coming. I would love to hear from someone whose spouse was persuaded to get treatment, and how it changed their life (or not!).

I would say simplify your lives as much as possible. make a list of every activity and obligation and truly evaluate the reasons for doing it. people with add need their down time and a simple, predictable structure. also simplify your home environment by getting rid of as much stuff as you can.

I think until he gets a new job and settles in, you need to provide him as much support as you can. after that, time for a reality check. Maybe he would consider a very low dose on a trial basis. make it clear that ylathe status quo is unsustainable and ask him what he would like to change.

You could start dropping the cover you give for his behavior/choices and keep a running list of the consequences to read back to him. Denial is easy to maintain if there is no evidence of the consequences. It may be wildly frustrating to allow this to play out, but if you've really reached your breaking point, why not let go?

You could continue doing the hundred things you do to compensate for his lapses, or he could take a pill once a day? Frustrating doesn't begin to describe it.

would he consider a career coach? I have a friend with add who really likes it. right now you are trying to fill that role and it's very hard on the marriage. you would feel better knowing he has someone to help him prep for interviews and track deadlines.

I would consider contracting with a home maintenance company. simplify your lives in every possible way to free up time and space for his job.

I have reached my threshold.
My husband's daily propensity to leave keys/wallet/important paperwork at home, his systematic deadlines misses for filing taxes or other critical things, his inability to remember any schedule concerning the kids, since he can't even remember his own, his legendary procrastination, and tardiness for everything, have reached a point where it is seriously impacting our family life. It has gotten progressively worse over the years because our family has grown and we are now homeowners, with all the responsibilities these things entail. When renting an apartment pre-kids, I had no clue it would come to this!
PLUS: he will have to find other employment in 6 months - I dread the inevitable hell that will ensue. We have gone through this before, and job-hunting for him is drawn-out and laborious. He is not socially aware, has difficulty understanding verbal and non-verbal cues, and doesn't present as well as he could in interviews, despite his very high IQ. He is a research scientist.

I am convinced he has some form of ADHD (and maybe some social disorder), and want to try if a stimulant would help him focus and be more organized and multi-task. Our youngest was diagnosed with severe ADHD (hello, it's hereditary), and we have seen first hand how medication has transformed her life.
He admits he may have some difficulties, but refuses to seek medical advice or consider medication in the event of a diagnosis, since he worries about possible long-term side effects, like Alzheimer's (research has NOT shown any link, BTW). He doesn't seem to understand how his current behavior is negatively impacting our life and seems content to waste a portion of his day, every day, running after things he's forgotten or should have done yesterday, and leaving things for me to scramble to catch up on.

Any advice will be much appreciated.