My dad's biggest surprise was that my sisters and I are unwilling to take responsibility for his much younger wife after he is gone. She is only 15 years older than I am, and I'm not willing to spend the next 40 years dealing with her until I'm 80! Surprise! I have my own mother to deal with. He really was upset when I told him. But it's not like she was any kind of mother to me. I saw less of him after he married her. So, no thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

A lot of women don't know what it takes to put a roof over the head of the family, keep the food on the table and the lights and heat on.

Yes, but the question is not about women. It is about men. This is not a contest. Stay on topic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

Does this really happen when people get divorced? I kind of imagine that if my husband and I got divorced, he would have the kids every other weekend when he had time, and I would be making excuses about how busy and important their father is and how lucky they are to have such an important dad and hoping they didn't feel abandoned. In short, I can't imagine it would be that different than it is now.

That is exactly how it is in my case. I don't want to alienate the kids from their father, so I still make excuses for him. I never say anything bad. We've been apart for four years now and the kids are just starting to see and talk about how they don't appear to be a priority to their father. I acknowledge their feelings now and nod my head, but I do not pile anything on. They figure it out.

Having said that, I am still the one that makes an effort to find ways for the kids to see their father. It's really not much different than when we were married. The best part is that I no longer really have any expectations of my ex as a parent. I am truly a single mom. He sees the kids approx two days a month and does not contribute his time to any of their activities. He won't toss a baseball around with them, teach them how to shave, etc. Zippo. Nonetheless, it is better for them to have this father than none at all.

She wanted the divorce and sprung it on me by surprise. I did not fight her over money or the children. Originally, she just wanted to leave without the kids. I said OK. Then she wanted the kids. I knew the courts are biased so I figured it was best to make sure her and the kids were financially taken care of and not to fight because I thought that would impact the kids. I thought that being adult about the situation and continuing to be concerned about her welfare would be reciprocated. I was wrong. Frankly, this was the most hurtful things for me. The divorce was very difficult for me and I did the best I could but she really wanted to inflict pain and suffering on me. So even though I paid 15 years of child support in advance to her and made sure the house was paid for and in her name and having done this I was wiped out financially she went about telling everyone that I abandoned them without anything. That really hurt. I also thought that because I treated her as nice as I could that she wouldn't get between me and the kids. I was wrong. She did and said things that forced them to chose sides. They chose her (at least initially). She prevented them for talking to me on the phone. She would unilaterally change pickup and drop-off times. She told the school not to communicate with me about grads. Bottom line is that it has been hard being vilified when I did and continue to do my best. That latest things she has done....told the kids that if they want they can move in with me. They got excited about that. Then she changed her mind. I'm fully expecting her to pin it on me.

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

Does this really happen when people get divorced? I kind of imagine that if my husband and I got divorced, he would have the kids every other weekend when he had time, and I would be making excuses about how busy and important their father is and how lucky they are to have such an important dad and hoping they didn't feel abandoned. In short, I can't imagine it would be that different than it is now.

What do you think is the percentage of families together based on back of one parent more than the other parent?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

A lot of women don't know what it takes to put a roof over the head of the family, keep the food on the table and the lights and heat on.

And that's why marriage is supposed to be a partnership - 2 is better than 1 so to speak. DH and I both acknowledge and appreciate that neither of us fully gets all that goes into what the other does for the family.

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

A lot of women don't know what it takes to put a roof over the head of the family, keep the food on the table and the lights and heat on.

My wife left for her affair partner, then he didn't want her, and she is still hedging and hoping to come back. It's harder without two, but I realize I had stepped up long ago to fill the vacuum while she started her "selfish phase" and was off with her lover all the time. So I guess it's about the same. Just kind of lonely at night when the kids go to bed, and I really have no interest in dating yet. I am confident I will in time.

A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

My father lives 2,000 miles away. We're going on a family vacation to visit friends who live about 50 miles away from him. He seemed surprised and sad that we aren't making much of an effort to visit with him.

Leave me when I'm 4, bust up the family to go shack up with another woman, don't pay child support, move across country, don't make an effort to see me through my teen years, and what the fuck does he expect?

My relationship w/my dad was better after my parents separated/divorced. Before then, he was going out of his way to avoid my mom and thus we didnt get to spend much time together as he was rarely home. Once they separated, he spent his time going out of his way to spend time w/me.

My kids actually like me more now than their mother after what they saw her for what she is - selfish, childish and passive/aggressive. I enabled her and the kids always remember me being there for them while married, while Mom was off shopping. I disciplined, made their breakfasts and generally was there for them. Still am and they appreciate it even more now.

I will tell you what surprised my dad-- the holidays. he was genuinely gobsmacked at all the work that goes into making a nice Christmas. I will never forget eating our Cheerios and opening a few presents that first year. my dad looked like such a sad little man, finally catching on to all out mother had done to make us a family.

How has your life gone since the split? Better or worse? What things have been the most surprising?