17:44 - my DH does the exact same thing too.

I think it totally depends. Here's my example of when I get mad at DH for being mad at me.

He uses sudafed for sinus issues. It's tightly controlled and can only be purchased at the pharmacy counter, with ID, during certain time frames (I can't stock up for a month). He won't go to the doctor and get a prescription so we can do the mail order pharmacy thing. He walks past at least 3 pharmacies on his way to work, and within a few blocks of a few more. I stay home with 3 of our 4 kids (oldest is in school), including 1yo twins. He gets mad at me if I don't keep his sudafed stocked for him. All he has to do is pop into one of the pharmacies he walks past 10x a week. I'd have to make a special trip with 3 kids in tow. I've recently stopped doing it because it's ridiculous. He got pissed off that I'm inconveniencing him in such a way. I got mad that he doesn't get why it's ridiculous for him to expect me to be his errand girl. Once or twice when I went for a run I tried to stop and grab some, but didn't have my ID with me and I couldn't buy it, and he got mad because I didn't do it when I had time to myself. Again, I got mad in return because it's not really time to myself if I'm running errands for him, and back to the original point, he walks past 3 pharmacies 10x a week so he has 30 opportunities to get it himself.

So yeah, sometimes I get mad at him for getting mad at me.

It's not but I have a temper. It is something I work on and have gotten better as I get older.

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be flamed here but, yes. Esp. when DH is mad at me for something stupid- then yes, I get mat at him.

Then that is stupid. We make up.

OP here - and the bolded is kind of the point of my question. EVERY fight is only a fight because there's a disagreement - if you agreed, you wouldn't be having a fight. In this particular example - if you thought that what your husband was angry about was NOT stupid - you wouldn't be having a fight.

So obviously, if you don't believe your partner is right to be angry at you, is it fair to "out-mad" them, if you will?

When I get upset at my husband he dredges up some totally unrelated thing from a while ago and tosses that at me, like we're volleying in tennis.

When i ask him if we can first discuss the issue at hand he tells me I don't care about his feelings and when he's upset, even though he would never have brought up the other issue if I hadn't approached him.

Somehow this reminds of how, after being disciplined for poor behavior, DD shouts back, "You hurt my feelings!"

Manipulative. Yes.

My husband invalidates. This sounds similar. If I am upset with him, and bring it up, he gets mad at me for being upset and explains to me why I am too sensitive, overreacting etc. He has trouble accepting that he ever does anything wrong. I always end up apologizing and then find myself saying, "what just happened?" Our marriage counselor is working with him on how to respond in a validating, empathetic way when I am upset (regardless of whether he feels he did something wrong).

I'm going to be flamed here but, yes. Esp. when DH is mad at me for something stupid- then yes, I get mat at him.

Then that is stupid. We make up.

It's manipulative. It's fine to be more mad if you don't want to be married.

OMG. This is every fight me and my dh have ever had. He does something, I get offended. I bring it up, HE gets offended and I end upfeeling bad that he's hurt and I end up apologizing and the issue I cared about isn't being addressed at all.

Its miserable.

Anonymous wrote:No. This is passive aggressive and immature and basically is deflecting the issue by creating rage. However, I wonder whether Mad Person #1 has good communication skills. Is Mad Person #1 communicating an issue or becoming enraged? It's hard to respond to a very angry person. Stop being angry and start communicating.

Agreed, in large part. It is absolutely immature, and possibly passive-aggressive, to respond to someone's complaint/frustration/anger by making it all about you and demanding they address your feelings. That is a deflection, defined.

However, I disagree somewhat with the last part of your post, which reads as a tone argument. Yes, sure, if you can say it politely, that can sometimes help. That said, the sort of person who would make your feelings into a discussion about their reactions is likely to do so regardless of how nicely/gently/politely you word your feelings (ask me how I know). We should all strive for civil communication, but sometimes we're angry. Telling the angry, aggrieved party to pretty it up so their aggressor doesn't have a fit is walking the path to victim blaming, IMO.

No. This is passive aggressive and immature and basically is deflecting the issue by creating rage. However, I wonder whether Mad Person #1 has good communication skills. Is Mad Person #1 communicating an issue or becoming enraged? It's hard to respond to a very angry person. Stop being angry and start communicating.

This is beyond dumb.

Anonymous wrote:Had a conversation with a friend today about fighting with partners. Is it fair to be mad at someone for being mad at you? In the particular instance we were discussing, one partner had got angry at one specific thing the other did. The other partner responded "I'm angry you feel that way" and "I'm more pissed off than you are." What say you, DCUM? When your partner is angry at you for something, is it acceptable to get angry at them for being angry at you?

Huh?

Had a conversation with a friend today about fighting with partners. Is it fair to be mad at someone for being mad at you? In the particular instance we were discussing, one partner had got angry at one specific thing the other did. The other partner responded "I'm angry you feel that way" and "I'm more pissed off than you are." What say you, DCUM? When your partner is angry at you for something, is it acceptable to get angry at them for being angry at you?