Op, I think you need to consult an elder law attorney about what she did. I'm a lawyer, but not elder law, and him not having representation and your step mom getting all the assets sounds super fishy. Her attorney should have insisted that your father have his own representation, and you should be prepared to challenge any consent he gave to use the same lawyer.

I'm sorry, I hope your dad is ok.

Anonymous wrote:As for caring for the elderly, unless op is willing to take her father into her home she should not presume to know what her step mom is going through.

Op here. I know what she is going through. I watched my mom suffer through much worse for much longer. I am not going to get into the details of my relationship with my father. I am willing to drive him to doctor's appointments, etc., visit him, have him come to our house. My children adore him. If he lived with us, they would not adore him any longer. But I know that he would not move. I will have to help from afar. When I went home when he had surgery, I spent the whole time in the waiting room, b/c he is very private. He would not want me taking care of him. I know him.

I can't imagine that the Medicaid look back doesn't take into account "paper divorces." If she walked away with everything in order to impoverish him for medicaid, well, I just find it hard to believe that would actually work.

Anonymous wrote:As for caring for the elderly, unless op is willing to take her father into her home she should not presume to know what her step mom is going through.

+1

Op here. I understand her position, I really do. She can live a long time and needs to be able to take care of herself if she gets sick. I get that. What I'm upset about is that no one was representing my dad -- that's all. My dad has rejected home care up to now but hopefully, when presented with the option of going to a nursing home he will accept that he needs home care. That would be preferable. I think that he will still want her to manage his care -- and I think that she still wants to right now. I will offer that he can come to where I live. He can't live in my house. He isn't the easiest person to live with and I would not do that to my husband or kids but there are places within 5 minutes of us and we could visit frequently. I have a very flexible work schedule (I work from home) and the hospital is 5 minute from my house. Everything is much closer than where he and his wife live compared to hospitals and nursing home, etc. But I don't think he would move and I don't think she would let him move b/c she doesn't want anyone to know about the divorce. What also makes me upset is that he had to make a decision about heart surgery and he was very clear that he liked his quality of life and wanted to maintain it and didn't want to end up in a nursing home. She pushed for the surgery (and pushed his doctors who were reluctant to do the surgery). He finally agreed and had the surgery. Now his heart is fine but everything else has gone downhill and his quality of life sucks. So he'll either end up in a hospital bed at home or in a nursing home which he didn't want. Hindsight is 20/20 but she should never have pushed so hard for the surgery.

Anonymous wrote:OP, divorce to protect assets is fairly common. Before you condemn your Step mom you should review what is going on to see whether that made the best financial sense for both your father and your step mom. It may not mean she is abandoning him. Due to the sad cost of health care and nursing home care a lot of elderly couples are forced to do this. Or worst, the guy that killed his wife as he could no longer afford her medications.

If you watched a loved one deteriorate and suffer, especially in a nursing home that does the minimum, what that guy did doesn't seem so bad.

As for caring for the elderly, unless op is willing to take her father into her home she should not presume to know what her step mom is going through.

OP, divorce to protect assets is fairly common. Before you condemn your Step mom you should review what is going on to see whether that made the best financial sense for both your father and your step mom. It may not mean she is abandoning him. Due to the sad cost of health care and nursing home care a lot of elderly couples are forced to do this. Or worst, the guy that killed his wife as he could no longer afford her medications.

Anonymous wrote:What's the other option OP? Spend down all of their savings?

She could take care of him vs. abandon him when he gets sick.

What's the other option OP? Spend down all of their savings?

Wow what a bitch. I'm so sorry.

OP, her plan may not be that simple. There is a five year old back on assets so she may be screwing him over more than you are saying. Medicaid looks back 5 years, so they will consider her assets via the marriage and may not give him medicaid. If he goes into a nursing home, move him to where you live so you can manage it. There is a lot to manage and is very hard long distance (we moved my MIL here and its daily drama with the nursing home and lots of paperwork). My MIL is on medicaid and its a different medicaid - there is regular medicaid and long term medicaid. Even if you are not eligible of regular, you may be for long term (this happened to my MIL). Once on medicaid, they take all but $77. Prepay a burial with his money and buy tons of clothing and future needs (stockpile) as the nursing homes destroy or lose clothing and bedding (we replace every few months). If your dad is having cognitive issues, get rep payee for social security and get court guardianship (we did this but wish we did it sooner) and that way you control everything.

Op here. To answer your questions: The home is in her name. All these years he has contributing to expenses but apparently, not to the mortgage. I haven't spoken to him yet (as I said, he's in the hospital and sleeping a lot) but I understand that her attorney took care of the whole thing. I'd love to talk to him to see how he could do that (we are members of the same state bar). I think what he did is extremely unethical. Not to mention the judge who approved it -- I'm sure my dad wasn't even in the courtroom. But that's a whole other story.

They have had separate accounts all of these years (although my dad has always had her on his accounts). I'm sure he is not on any of her accounts. She is still beneficiary of his life insurance policy, etc. (b/c she asked me the other week for my SSN b/c she said he was updating it to make me second beneficiary). I thought it was strange at the time but in retrospect it probably had to do with the divorce. I always wondered what would happen if she dropped dead before he did -- i.e., would he be able to live in the house until he died -- one of her daughters and grandchildren live with them. But I never brought it up b/c I didn't want to butt in. Now I feel like I have to. I did ask her if my dad still had his accounts and she said that he does (I wanted to make sure that he didn't transfer the money to her although she is smart enough to know about the lookback rules). Hopefully, in connection with the divorce he took her name off the account but he should have someone on the account to pay his bills -- he may have put her daughter on the account since she is local and I'm not. I don't know. He isn't really savvy to understand that I could do everything online for him. I'm only concerned about his money being there for him to pay for his care not for it being there for me or my siblings. We don't need his money.

Who owns the home? Do they still live together? Make sure she didn't pull a reverse mortgage.

Is she has more assets shouldn't she be giving him alimony? did he have his own attorney? Did she move any of his assets into her name or account or to her children as heirs?

I apologize in advance for the long post. I found out the other day that my stepmother divorced my father for financial reasons. She is much younger than he is and has more assets (she's in her 60's and he's in his 80's). His health has severely declined in the last year and she has constantly lamented about protecting her assets for her kids. I knew she had been talking to her lawyer but she didn't tell me what her lawyer recommended until after the divorce was final. I am also a lawyer (although not a divorce or elder care lawyer) but she likely knew that I would have wanted to review the agreement and want my father's interests protected. The kicker is that (i) she told me as my dad was in an ambulance on the way to the ER and (ii) didn't also mention that she still loved him and considered herself married to him, etc. She just mentioned about how difficult it had been to care for him the past few weeks, etc. Note that they have been married 25 years (longer than my parents were married -- my mom died when I was a teenager) and he was no spring chicken when she married him (my dad was an older dad to begin with) so she should have known what she'd be in for.

She also plans move my dad to a nursing home b/c she can't care for him at home anymore. She thinks that as a result of the divorce, he will be eligible for Medicaid once he spends down his assets. I estimate that he between his social security and his assets, he can afford about 18 months in a nursing home out of pocket. But I think that his social security is more than the federal amount to qualify for Medicaid so who was looking out for him? I am so angry and appalled that she would do this without letting me know and without considering the ramifications for him. I haven't been able to talk to him since he is in the hospital and when I called yesterday he was eating lunch and couldn't talk and then he was napping. I am going to try again today before she visits. I am definitely going to consult the Council for Jewish Elderly in his state to get a referral on Monday (I found out late on Friday and have been processing since). Any other ideas would be helpful.